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This is my first time posting and anyone that could provide helpful words would be much appreciated. I don't know all the abbreviations and everything yet, so please help me out with those. My boyfriend of 6 years, who I believed to an alcoholic, died last week when he hit his head walking up the stairs and fell. I'm sure he had been drinking like he always did and he was alone and he never ate much either. He could have also been taking prescription medication for anxiety, etc. I don't know what exactly caused his death (the drinking, the falling, the medications or all of them). I had no idea how much he drank until I spoke w/ his friends and family at the wake. I found out a lot of things about him that he lied to me about so I'm sad and really angry all at the same time. He hid the drinking from me for the last 2 years and had been very verbally abusive for the last 6 months. Right now I just don't know what to think. I went to the wake and I couldn't even look at him for 45m. I now realize he was really sick and I did everything I could to help him, but he was only 31! How am I supposed to get past this? I'm trying to see a counselor but no one works ouside of 8:30-8:30 pm, or on the weekends, which is the only time I can go because of work.
Welcome to MIP - so sorry to hear of your loss - there are no words to ease your pain, the only comfort we can give you is that there are many among us who have walked the path similar to yours.
It appears that your boyfriend suffered from the disease of alcoholism/addiction which means you didn't cause, couldn't control it or cure it. So please don't blame yourself for anything that happened.
Please seek out any support groups such as Al-Anon, MIP, and other grief support groups. Most of all remember you are not alone - Please don't isolate -
Keep coming back - don't stop before the miracle happens in You - You deserve it,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am sure it is hard enough without now having to deal with the realization that he lied to you so much. It was the disease and he probably felt guilt for lying to you but the disease will go to great lengths to protect itself. Try to remember the good times and accept that the bad times were not the real him.
Continue to seek help for yourself as you have by coming here. Join us in Chat (24/7) or at 9 pm EST for our online meeting. There is one here M-S at that time.
Would it be possible for once a week to leave work early to go to see a counselor, in the past I have had to make that request, and my boss knowing my situation consented.
I would suggest that you reach out to alanon, like you have done with your first post, and continue to reach out. You will find support here.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I am so sorry for your loss! I believe you have come to the right place. As you read and learn about alcoholism, you will recognize the many traits of the alcoholic, and will come to realize there was nothing you could have done to change anything. Please don't blame yourself for anything! This board is a great place with many, many caring, and understanding people.Keep coming back, Love in the program, TLC
((((New))))) So very sorry for your loss. Glad you are here, though.
Please find an alanon meeting ASAP. There will be people there who you can talk to, and will understand, and care for you.
I agree that this disease is so powerful and cunning, and it will do anything to protect itself, including lying to loved ones. It was not him who lied about the drinking, but the disease which wanted to destroy him. But you are alive. And you matter.
Please come to chat anytime (tho I haven't been able to, since hubby has been home a lot and doesn't like it, and I don't want to fight. I am at the public library right now, but they don't allow chat).
Or, continue to post here. And read what other people have posted. You will learn a lot.
One word of caution. Even tho your boyfriend is not now with you in the physical sense, you have experienced the pain that Alcoholism or drug abuse can cause. What a tragedy, at only 31 years old. And with finding out more at his wake, I'm sure was very upsetting to you, and I imagine would be very frustrating. I made the mistake once of quitting Alanon because I was no longer in an alcoholic relationship, and didn't think I needed it. W-r-o-n-g. I sure did need it, and I eventually found my way back. I know now that I need it for ME, with or without an alcoholic/drug abuser in my life.
Write, ask, talk. We are here for you. You will find answers, love and acceptance here, and the peace you need in your life. Please come back.
Welcome to the board.. As you can see by the response we are ALL glad that you are here. This is a GREAT sounding board. Believe me it helps to talk it out, or should I say write it out. We are all here because someone we care about has the disease of alcoholism or another addiction. I am sorry for your loss it is such a shame that he died at such a young age.. Try not to take his lies personally, it is just part of the disease. They lie then lie to cover that lie and so on.. Sad, but true.. Try to remember the good times and really take time for you.. Grieve, cry do whatever you need to .. We like to say take one minute at a time if you have to ..
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. There are no words to make it easier. Addictions cause people to behave in ways that they cannot control, lies and cover up etc. This happens because they are sick people, not because they mean to hurt the people they love.
You need to look after yourself now sweetheart.
There are people here who understand and care. You are very welcome, Keep coming back AM
im sooo sorry for ur loss hun.. i know right now ur feeling sad, angry..mad at him..mad at urself for being mad at him.. hating him for lying..loving him.. and generally eeling sooo mesed up..ur thinking ur never gonna be right again.... LISTEN TO ME HUN.... time is a great healer... and this website is full of people who will listen and provide you with love, support and friendship when u most need it.... we have all gone thru our fair share of "A's" problems (alcoholic) and come here for a bit of sanity in an otherwise crazy existance....
if u ever need to talk..cry or just rant...we are here... welcome to our family.. i am sorry for ur loss
hi newyearsgirl... a big hug to you (((((()))))))