i spent an hour on the phone with my a. he was served on friday so i guess i can start calling him my ex-a. the convo was as ok as it could be. i asked him what he was going to do with the papers (sign them, fight them...) he didn't answer me till later in the convo. he said something about me having full custody and how he didn't want to have to get a lawyer but he guessed he would cause joint custody would give him legal rights incase i died. at one point in my life i would have responded with anger, outrage. at another i would have laughed at him then made him feel like dirt. but tonight i just told him the truth. that that is exactly the reason i don't want him to have joint custody. i explained that he is a mentally ill addict and as of today he is incapable of taking care of himself- emotionally or financially. if god forbid i died tomarrow he would not be able to take care of our children. that might change at some point in the future. but relapse seems to be part of his disease. so i am not doing this to be spiteful. i am not angry or resentful. i am realsitic. i am putting the kids first. not him and his feelings. i am not living in some fantasy where he is clean today so that means forever. so i told him he needs to do whatever he feels comfortable doing. i myself am doing the best i can right now. he was silent for a long time and then he changed the subject.just between all of us alanoners i have resentment, anger and sometimes i let it get to me and i feel so helpless and overwhelmed. but i cannot let him in on that. i can not be vunerable to him. that part of our relationship is over. it didn't work. maybe we can be friendly, i hope so. it is hard. today was such a hard day and this voice in my head started trying to justify calling him and crying on his shoulder. but i don't want to go back. i want to keep moving ultimatly. he cannot help me.but y'all can and that's why i am here. without the love and support of this program i really do not know where i would be today. thank you all.