The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the things that the A does that used to kill me was to minimize my needs. Whatever I want is discounted and diminished. When I had asthma he said I just needed to exercise. When I had sepsis he told me I'd be fine it was all in my head and he could not help me get to the hospital. I eventually ended up with a blood pressure of 90/60 and nearly died.
When I want, ask for or desire anything he makes a huge deal of that I don't need it. When his friends were practically moved in with us (one asked to live free for a year) and I objected he asked me who did I think I was. I went to a motel for a week and he swore up and down the friend would be gone. He stayed on night after night for 3 more months. He'd still be here if I had not put my foot down.
The issue for me is that I minimize my own needs. Today I made lots of appointments that are well overdue. I smogged one room (because the dogs fleas are terrible). I allowed the A to minimize my needs. His mother minimizes his needs I know. I don't have anything to do with his mother anymore. I say not one word to her after she told me she could not help the A when he had a medical emergency I have nothing to say to her.
I've always allowed my needs to be minimized of course. My parents did it. I had no needs I was just to be there for them. Whatever I needed didn't count. When I went to visit them 5 years ago after 17 hour plane journey they couldn't even be bothered to make a cup of tea for me. My elder sister came in from up the street and my mother jumped up and saw to her. I left my mother's house eventualy to go stay in a hotel because she wouldn't put the heat on when it was freezing.
People here say I teach others how to treat me. When I allow others to minimize my needs I am not being kind and loving to myself. Sacrificing myself is not love. It does not signify commitment it does not signify affection. It signifies my boundaries are awry.
Boy, does this sound familiar. And, you are right - we allow people to treat us this way. In fact, sometimes I even ENCOURAGED people to treat me this way - I still don't know why, buying affection perhaps. If I'd be a 'good sport' then they would love me.....
Good post, this is something we need to keep in mind.
Absolutely spot on!! I think we alanons have become adept at "minimizing" as a direct result of our Codie traits. I hadn't realised before this programme just how often I allowed the needs of others to dominate how I always put my own needs last.
I could be dead on my feet,so to speak,and my A would either not notice or tell me that I could rest AFTER I had carried out whatever HE needed to make himself comfortable. I never refused and always wondered why on earth he continued to make demands. Needless to say,the list of demands always grew and I became even more resentful that he didn't even recognise it was supposed to be a two way street. Of course,being the good Codie I am,I hardly ever pulled him up on it,and wondered why my needs were never met.
This is such a good post. It has really helped me. I have been allowing myA to just take, take,take for ages now. I didn't even realise I was discounting my own feelings so much. It just came so naturally to be to allow myself to be taken forgranted. I can always be relied upon to pick up the pieces, it seems.
In fact he told me recently that he loved me because I was so good to him!!!! At least one of us is functioning with savvy....just wish it was me!
