The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks to my wonderful family here, I have realized that my compass may be broken. I was heading full speed down the path of recovery for myself, and I missed a turn somewhere.
I have gotten anxious and resentful again without realizing it. Had a conversation with my AW at lunch today and I got agrevated. Not too bad, but not called for either. It was a game she has played before, and I jumped right into it.
Driving back to work I wasn't mad at her for anything, just wondering, why I didn't see it and deal with it like I had learned to do. It would have been an easy one.... for you baseball fans, it was a high floating fastball... an easy base hit and I swung way too early and watched it hit the catchers glove! LOL
Old habbit, or lack of concentration? I think at times it is overconcentration. (is that a word?) After a few days of really intense raging, I am expecting it, maybe even seeking it out. If I dare her to do it, I bet she will and sure enought.... blamo!
I don't like that... and I will have to add that to my list for step work. (that list is getting pretty big... better hurry up and get a sponsor )
You all have a great day and thanks for listening!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
We all misplace our compus from time to time. The trick is to notice that and get back on the path.
And hey, you may have swung to early, but you were able to read the pitch, and next time I bet you can hit the ball and get your base hit. LOL and I bet the pitcher will think twice before throwing you the same pitch. From my experience once I get the pitches down he trhows a change up. Hmmm, maybe I should stay out of the batter's box or become a switch hitter. LOL
I love baseball.
Yours in reocvery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I agree with the others: you're only human. It's an exercise in futility for me to always remember how I am SUPPOSED to respond or not respond to situations with my A and I slip up too; I'm very proficient at it, actually. lol Life with alcoholism is a trial, that's for sure. I think you're doing wonderfully!
I haven't had a chance to respond to your posts lately, just been swamped at work or on the go with the kids. I can relate to losing the compass at times. Especially when my A is in this mood of raging at everything and anything rational that I try to say just gets combatted. I have no idea why he gets like this at times but I dread it. It has been very difficult for me to remember my tools when he is like this because my defenses are so accutely intuned with anticipation of the next hurtful barrage of words he will hurl at me. I get angry and defensive and I start thinking about all the past crap he's put me through and before I know what's hit me I'm back in the murky soup of anger and resentment. Not a good place for a recovering codependent to be. In my mind at that time there is no validity to what he is saying. I know I love him, I know what I've been through with him, I know the choices he's made. He knows he cant get anything past me because I know all his garbage and on that particular day or week he wants to ignore it, stuff it down, say it was my fault, blame me, shame me, guilt me, whatever he can do to take the focus off of himself. At that point I feel like the bullseye on dart board and he keeps hurling the dart right for me. As a codependent I have constantly continued to do the same things over and over in my life hoping for a different outcome.
Rationalizing, justifying, and defending myself when he is raging has never worked and will never work. Emotionally at that time he is not "sane" he's confused, his perception is scewed and the disease is messing around with his thought process and coping skills. If I want to do something different to get a different outcome I'm going to get out of the way fast. I'm really trying to not engage him and let him know that I really hate that he feels this way or that way and that maybe a time out break for a walk, a drive, whatever needed to clear the air. Whatever it is, if he can't walk away I have to be brave enough to walk away.
You're doing great... don't doubt your recovery its a process with a big learning curve if you allow for that. Hope you have a great day.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Ever look at a major leaguer's stats - see how many KO's? -
Everytime at the plate is a learning experience, we all are learning to keep our eye on the ball, following thru with our swing, run thru first, listen to our base coaches, and finally slide into home . . . We are a part of a team - Don't worry if you swung at a bad pitch - you will get to bat again - don't worry - your HP is not going to bench you - You are his All-Star - we probably haven't even made it to the 7th inning stretch yet - (and don't worry - no matter what you and your HP come out a winner)
Pass the sunflower seeds and Play Ball!!
Rita
(Yeah - I'm a big baseball & softball fun also )
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
)
