Hi (((Everyone)))

It's late and I should be sleeping but I wanted to end my day here. After posting this morning I went with my A to his appointment, let me clarify I would have stayed home but the center confirmed to me and him that they would like me there to provide info he may not be capable of. unfortunately the morning did not go as I would have liked but i trust my HP has better things in store. I'm happy to say the therapist was impressed (not sure that is exactly the right word) with my skills at detaching. And understood that I made this call for help because i truly believed this admission of my A's about suicide, he has threatened it before in manipulative ways twice in the last year. The reasons this was different for me was because I do know the friend he was talking about having the pact with and it is consistent with the friend's outlook on life, also he had more reasons for doing it to better other people's lifes than using it as a control thing, my main deciding factor was his saying he may take his brother with him. I treated this situation as I would have with any friend, relative etc that I had these same concerns about.

briefly what happened ... my A was offered detox followed by immediate placement in either treatment or psych facilities. He turned it down at this time, he had been sober for over 12 hours and on his best behaviour so there were not enough signs of his normal delusional behavior for involuntary. because he would not agree there was not much more to be said there, he was given the numbers for treatment centers, AA etc. I am glad his name is in the system, they know a bit of his background and he admitted he feels no hope at this time, maybe if he needs the help in the future it will make a difference. So far after the meeting today he has not used so he's on 36 or so hours, pretty sick and I know it's probably only a slight pause but you know what i am grateful for any time his body and mind get a chance to heal even just a little bit.

I have now gotten a little confused by some things said today, in my previous research I was told that if you have bipolar you have it, alcohol/drug use will increase it but if you have it you have it. Today i was told that you may not have it but it can be induced by alcohol/drug usage and go away wen that is stopped. I told the therapist I may not agree with his thoughts on this because of the rapid cycling I see on a daily basis, but admittedly it is with almost constant using now. I did get the chance to ask my A if when he is crying and saying how sick he is and needs help if that is asking for me to make a call to send him to detox. I was told that it was thoughtful of me to ask but I would have to make that decision LOL by the therapist. And my A's reply was he didn't know. So that will be my next decision. I am pretty sure I have already made it, I feel I have a responsibility to report any suicidal talk, behavior etc I feel is REAL. I will figure it out as it comes. As for the power of attorney, I will need it when the divorce is final if I choose to continue to be a part of his life in any way. there is nobody else in his life that knows and/or is not involved in alcohol or drugs themselves to make decisions if he is not capable of it. I am considering it bacause I love him but only if I am healthy enought to do it.

NOW for me I came home, got a couple more things done around here so I felt I had accomplished someting today, took a nap, watched my puppy roll around in the grass, and in general just tried to stay cool since it is a heat wave all of a sudden UGH. Lots to do and it is gonna be miserable in 90's weather but gives me good incentive to get into the cooler basement and get it ready LOL. And yes everyone who mentioned it I am exhausted but strangely enough I feel strong and good about myself. And I have hope, am not overwhelmed, and MY life is not unmanagable, I'm OK.

UGH one little vent .... i was so happy his car would not start and no matter what he said all week i did not offer to help or ask my family (mechanics) for advice .... but can you believe a family member of his loaned him a car supposedly to get garbage out of the house to the dump. To top it off not one thing has left the house to go to the dump in days anyway UGH

Enough of my ramblings, time to sleep and get back to my priorities tomorrow. My Dad and brother are coming to help me out with some stuff and every step gets me a little closer to where ever it is i am supposed to be going

Thanks all! Much love, big hugs.

Jennifer