The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got the shock of my life. Did not believe it the first time I visited A in jail. Went back yesterday. I was nervous and sat down. He comes out and it is not the monster, it is my husband.I did not think I would ever see him again
I got all unnerved and it was like my dreams where he is dead and is alive again.
He has gained weight, color was good, handsome, seemed sure and like he had purpose again.
I knew jail was the only rehab that would work for him. He is back on program, not stinking thinking. Regular rehab is not long enough, and also he is not locked in.
I almost could not talk. I said ok what are you wanting to do? He is out in a couple weeks. I said I feel like i need you to say what you need and want.
Said shelter or sleeping on your sis's floor? do you want to come home and see how that goes? what? I will not be used.
He says,"I married you becuz I was in love with you, I am still in love with you. If our marriage is not damaged beyond repair, I want to work to make it work. I don't want to come home becuz you feel I have no where else to go."
i was dumbfounded. Who is this MAN, where has he been for six years???? I fumbled around and said, I want you home. I could not say much else.
Then he had to go. I of course was crying. It was such a shock.
He had asked me to check on a meeting the day he gets out. To make an app with the Va for him. You have to make them way ahead, and he cannot in there.
And I have to get him some clothes for Sunday and Thursday meetings.....
Ok now i am not in denial. I will say right now. any sign of bs and I will pack up his butt and take him to town and leave him. period.
I can be alone, I thrive out here. I am ok. I know it will hurt, but not long.
So....ninety meetings in ninety days. many there is an alanon meeting the same time. If not, does not matter. I will take him and pick him up.
His job is to do his one day at a time, meetings, medication, go to the va regularly, work HIS program.
My job is to go on with my life as is. Not mother him. In anyway. And to be aware that if he hedges at all. bye
period.
So....no more separate bedrooms. I already fixed our room so he has a dresser and a bedside table with his radio. gulp.
So how will he fit in my bed with four dogs??? haha
There is only one dog who I will not kick out of my bed. My tavish. he is who has been my most loyal friend and is part of me.
Anyway I keep thinking, ok this is fine. ONE day at a time. period. Just be me. don't change a thing. ya see I have not been told I am loved in a very long time. My kids say it of course. But for a person who does not have my blood to say it, whoa.
Shocked me so much. He never,ever talks like that if he is messed up. I mean he has grown somehow. He has not had any
well how do I say it, please forgive me, he has not had any b***s for six years. I told him six years ago the disease has you by the b***s.
I believe he is doing his program and is a man and growing more and more each day. He did go to a few Sunday meetings with me. So believe me, this part of it means more than you can ever realize.
In the Bible it says staying married to an unbeliever, and living the truths, may someday turn them around by your actions. This is MY experience. I tell ya, if this is happening. There is NOTHING I would want more, nothing.
so... one day at a time. Take care of ME. What a trip. I feel like I am swooning. He has made me jello since I met him. But the monster A disease, yuck. so believe me if it takes over again and he is not on program, I will know immediately.
NO ultimatum. My boundary, period. I know he needs me to stick to this as much as I need to for me.
I guess too, geez it amazes me he loves me. He is in love with me. me? farm lady who loves pigs? Me? who is just an old hippie? Me? who gets excited becuz the frogs are croaking so loud I cannot hear the tv?
sigh. Well maybe I get some more good time with my husband, one day at a time. What a gift hp has given me.
I am crying tears of joy for you. I know what that is like when you realize that you are not talking to the disease, but your husband, the man that you love. And then to hear the sweetest words ever uttered, "I love you". LOL if they only knew how easily that makes some of us swoon.
On August 12th it will be 9 years that I have been with my hubby and when he is the guy that I fell for, he can still give me goosebumps with just a look. I think after 9 years, 3 kids, all the crap his addict had pulled, and my insane behaviors, that is something.
Just reading your post reminded me of how much I love my hubby. It always amazes me what my love for him can survive and forgive.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Yes dear one, miracles do happen! You just gotta believe. There are angels all around us, and in really wierd places.
I too look at sober hubby and relish every moment with him, even when we get on each other's nerves. But I'd rather him get on my nerves because he's sober rather than drunk that's for sure. I don't see the weight he has gained or the fact that his feet are not working that great. I still see the handsome, sexy, intelligent, slightly mishcevious man I met 23 years ago. The fact that your hubby still loves you isn't surprising. Don't sell yourself short.
I think now more than ever is when we need our program the most. Living with a recovering A vs. an active A presents a whole new set of challenges. I find myself applying the program much more so now. He's feeling so much these days and that use to be masked by the alcohol. Now I stop and think how I'm going to react, rather than just react. Stick to your boundaries.
Love and blessings to you and yours and all the critters (froggies too).
Live strong,
Karilynn, Sober hubby and Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks for the great news! Isn't it amazing what we can find under the monster disquise the boose brought to the A???
I smiled at teh part about 4 dogs. We also have 4 dogs. Our bed iw queensize and we can all fit in the bed. It's TI*GHT sometimes...especially when the dogs go to bed before I do and they sprawl out. We have 3 schnauzers and a scottie.
((((Debi)))))Wow, that post gave me the chills! I am so happy for you and hubby. Yes, you are so right, one day at a time. That's all we have to deal with.
I know when my hub left me back in Jan. and again in March, I was so devestated, I could hardly function. But, I used that time to take care of me, to learn all I could, and to read posts, chat, meetings, etc. Hub and I spoke only a couple of times in 7 weeks. Then one day out of the blue, he calls and wants to come home. Said something someone said to him in a meeting changed his thinking about a few things.
He went to several AA meetings (court ordered) and drug/alcohol "classes" of some sort. But he continued to drink. But the anger, the hatred, the fight was gone from him.
I decided to keep the boundaries I already had in place, that I would not buy, help buy, stop by the store and pick up, or loan $$$ for alcohol. And he had to make the house payment. So far, for me, for today, that is working.
When he is not drinking, and even sometimes when he is, I see the same guy I fell in love with, and I am amazed. We went for over a year not hardly talking, anger, hostility, and him holding a grudge for something that happened due to his drinking, that he blamed me for!
I never accepted the blame, I just tried to keep loving him, never forgetting my vows, even when he threw his wedding ring in a corner and didn't wear it. I have never had this much love in my heart for any other man. So, I know how you feel.
But, we are stronger than we were. We are not willing to be walked on, treated like poop. We are loving women who deserve to be loved and respected.
Sorry this is so long, I am just so glad for you. It seemed like when hubby was gone, that HP was not going to let him come home until I had gotten well enough, and enough Alanon in my brain to be able to function under the stress of living with an A. HP must think you are ready, girl! So, keep up the fantastic work!
It's just awesome that you can see your A for the real person you married. Mine was buried in his disease for 20 yrs and it's so very nice to have him back. I thank HP everyday for making my dream come true.
I figure even if he would slip (which I don't think he will), this period of time is something to hold dear forever.
I truly hope you get to keep this miracle and I pray your A will stay in the light.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am happy for you Debilyn, but at the same time my heart worries. My daughter is currently in her 3rd treatment center. I am sure you remember the joys and emotions I have had over her sobriety and progress. What I have learned now is the we do indeed need to turn them over to our HP totally. The disappointment when they relapse can be so hurtful to us and that is why the focus helps to remain on us. I use to celebrate sobriety and the days of sobriety for others. Now, through personal experience, I have learned to celebrate us and our progress and to keep working on us, for if and when they do relapse. Their relapses are about learning in their program and they do happen. The fact is time goes on and things do change so we don't actually get back the same person we once yearned to have back. We may indeed get back a healthier better person yet they still have the disease.
You will be in my prayers along with your family. Congratulations and enjoy, but from my experience, don't get caught up in their sobriety too much. cdb (((((((Debilyn)))))
Hugs Debilyn so nice for you to have some positive news. No-one knows what Hp has planned for down the road but I hope it is filled with much love and happiness. Luv Leo xxx
I have been away and didn't see your post till today.I am so happy for you.Wow, what he said about being in love with you! I know you have never stopped loving him and hearing those words had to just make your heart flutter!
Take it while you can get it girlfriend, you deserve it.
But I'd rather him get on my nerves because he's sober rather than drunk that's for sure. I don't see the weight he has gained or the fact that his feet are not working that great. I still see the handsome, sexy, intelligent, slightly mishcevious man I met 23 years ago. 
The fact that your hubby still loves you isn't surprising. Don't sell yourself short. 
