My head is just spinning, I hope all this makes sense, I have so much bottled up inside I that need to get out.

My husband, of twenty years, is a hard worker, he never misses work, he is a loving person, and a good father and husband and provider, when he is not drinking.  He does however have a problem w/alcohol.  I have felt this for several years but have I tried to put aside because he was always very docile and teddy bear like.  It is just a given that I am always the designated driver,  because I do not usually drink, (except for the occasional one drink max. a couple times a year). 

          I have often heard that daughters often marry men that are like their fathers, what a coincidence this is, you see I grew up in an alcoholic family.  My father was also a hard worker, who never missed a day of work and provided adequately for our large family, was also an alcoholic.   He would come home from work and have several drinks before dinner every night and by the time we had dinner, he was already smashed, which would of course change his behavior. 

Back to my husband, he comes home from work (after stopping at his bosses’ house, where he parks his vehicle) for a beer or two or three, comes home and has at least 2 more beers while he, he helps me prepare dinner or cuts the grass or another productive activity.   After dinner, he has another 3-4 beers .  Weekends are no different.  Sometimes he starts at noon on the weekend.  But when he drinks he doesn’t just sit and drink, he is always doing something physical and some productive and helpful.  Very rarely does he just sit and drink. 

In the last 6-12 mos., I have begun to see a totally different person emerge when he is drinking.  A person I don’t much like.  He is NOT physically abusive but his tone of voice and his choice of words and expressions and reactions to us are just intolerable to me.  My kids say “Dad’s drunk” and don’t want to be around him, and frankly, neither do I. 

If I try to discuss something with him that he brings up, he is the only one that is correct in his thinking.  No one (me or the children) can do anything right in his eyes, it needs to be done his way, and why didn’t you do that.  If I need to run errands, I get a phone call every ½ hour or so, “what are you doing”? because he says he is worried about me.  I go out maybe one evening a month with 2 of my best girlfriends for coffee and to talk, which I look forward to so much (and am in great need of right now).  When I come home from being gone, the kids tell me he has been so crabby, and it’s because I am not at home.

I am coming to a breaking point.  I have told him (when he was sober) during one of our discussions that I do not like his behavior when he drinks and I do not want our children to grow up in an alcoholic household, I know what it is like and it stinks.

A couple of weeks ago I told him also that I would leave if I had to, to get away from this situation and give our kids a life in a sober household, but I really cannot afford that (I do not earn enough money to survive w/ 2 kids on my own.

 I do not care to be anywhere near him when he is drinking and I am beginning to feel extremely bitter toward him.  He doesn’t understand (because he is drunk) why and I don’t want to be around him when he is drinking and drunk (and gets mad, because he is drunk).  He doesn’t realize what he acts like, because he doesn’t remember.

Usually when I tell him that I don’t like it when he drinks, he comes back with he doesn’t like it that I smoke(not inside).

I think that our children, especially our 16 yr old is starting to lose respect for him.  Which I do not like, but I really do not blame her, and I don’t know how I can change that.

How do I make life more livable for all of us and come to terms with the disappointments that present with husband/father who is an alcoholic?  How do I detach with love from someone I live with everyday? How and what kind of boundaries do I set?

I am feeling so much uncertainty about my family’s future.  I do not know what to do.  I really do not have any support.                                      Please any words of wisdom and support would be greatly appreciated.