how does a person deal with suicide?? - Al-Anon Family Group

shadow1 · Senior Member

how does a person deal with suicide??

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Shadow your tenant was fighting his own demons and by your post I think he was probably a lovely guy who was a perfectionist. Maybe he felt he couldn't live up to his own expectations. Take comfort in the fact that he valued your friendship enough to do all of those things for you before he went. I suffer from clinically diagnosed depression and although I have never been suicidal I will tell you that it is very difficult to pick. He could have been extremely happy on the outside but struggling underneath it all. You were his guardian angel before he went to a higher power. He is now at peace. ((())) Luv Leo xxx

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Shadow , am so sorry but know that there was nothing u could have done to save this man . Some find it easier to go than stay and fight this disease. Sometimes living is harder than dying. Talking it out is the best form of recovery for you sharring it here will help.

God gave man free will and sometimes we just don't handle it well. ((((((((hugs)))))))))))

tea2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Wonderful replies you received by Leo and abbyal.
I would like to add that what was told to me awhile back. That when someone commits suicide they do leave behind people who then carry it with them and that it can be looked at as the selfish easy way out.
A year or so ago someone jumped in front of a train on the tracks nearby. All I can think of was that train engineer/conductor who has to go on with that the rest of their life, can you imagine? Surely he did not wake up thinking -Today, when I go to work, I will drive a train that will help someone take their life.
Looking back in hindsight and questioning if you could have helped if there were signs and if you could have done anything is not fair to you. In fact it seems he was trying to be fair to you without giving direct signs.
He did care to think of you and your work to do after he was gone that says to me he did think of you fondly. I would definitely pray not only for him (and his family/friends) but to ask Hp to help you cope as well.
Sounds trite, but I would say time will help.

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

((Shadow))

I wish I had the right words to say, profound words of wisdom, perfect thoughts of inspiration, my mind is blank, but my heart is full of compassion for you, for his family, friends and for him. I lost a precious nephew hours after his 26th birthday - not for sure if the gun shot was intentional or accidental, probably intentional. My heart breaks that someone feels that much pain that they can't see another way out.

Allow you time to grieve, be especially kind and generous to yourself, and stay in touch so that we know you are OK,

No matter what you and your HP will be ok,

Rita

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

((shadow)), honey I am so sorry you're in this position. What you're feeling is normal. And it's okay. It's important that you process through these feelings and work through them completely. The truth is that there are alot of alcohilics that will never make it to AA for this exact reason, because they can't absorb that life can get better if they stop drinking. It's a very haunting feeling, the feeling that you knew this person, et cetera. If you're having problems, maybe seeing a councelor or going to a suicide survivors support group may help. Please keep checking in with us and know you're in my prayers.

wallsal55 · Senior Member

Hi, You can find a local S.O.S. group to attend. Survivors of Suicide. They are very helpful for those affected by it. www.survivorsofsuicide.com (To locate one in your state.)

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((Shadow)))))))))))))),

You do the best you could, and didn't have any control over this man.

I wish I could say something to help you to feel better, but there are no words.

If you need to vent, you know I am here.

Yours in Recovery,

Dolphin123

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((shadow)))))))) I am so sorry of the pain you are experiencing. I had a nervous breakdown over 10 years ago and suicidal thinking consumed me. I at last reached out for help. I realize now that I was not myself. It was like I was disconnected from everything including God. It upsets me when people say it is the easy way out or just cause someone says they feel suicidal only means they are wanting attention. Depression/suicidal thinking are very real and can be due to mental disorders. I met a lady while in the hospital back then who was there due to her turmoil from being a child and having her mom committ suicide. That is what acutally woke me up. I didn't want my kids to go through what that lady was going through.

Since my breakdown, I continue with times of having suicidal thinking. My doctors say it is normal and yes, it can happen so I have a safety plan. Mine is a mental problem where I need medications.

As far as being a selfish act, it may be an act of love in their mind. I remember thinking of my insurance money and how my family could have it and thought it would make our financial problems okay. I was not thinking clearly but didn't realize it.

We had a member here who needed to talk about her brother that committed suicide who was an A and people felt uncomfortable. She does not come here anymore. Maybe people will learn to allow people to talk and talk until those affected begins to heal. If it is bothering others, someone ask them to go into a PM and just listen to them. And please do not tell them to get off their pity pot.

If anything, this man's death can be a lesson to others. Just wanted to share my experience here and hope no one is offended. Take what you like and leave the rest. cdb (((shadow)))

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((((((Shadow)))))))))))))))))),

I'm so sorry for your pain. Please remember none of this is your fault.

When a person decides to take their life they are in a desperate, hurtful place that they don't know how to get out of. Most of the time we don't know what's going on because they mask it. I have dealt with several suicides of friends and a family member over the years. None of these people I could have "predicted" their intent. They showed no signs of depression, etc.

An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do. Sometimes they find their way to recovery, sometimes they don't. We have no control over it. It is their choice.

I pray you find peace in this time of sorrow. Try to remember that this person is no longer hurting and fighting this insidieous disease. He is at peace.

Love and blessings to you.

Live strong,
Karilynn

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Shadow)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))),

Just wanted to add my sympathies and condolences to you. I don't have any ESH with suicide but know that we are here for you. I too believe that if someone is on a mission to end their life, nothing we can do to stop them.

love Maria

shadow1 · Senior Member

Thank you all for your words of comfort. I know that there was nothing that I could have done for this man. Many of you said that he is a peace now and i do believe that. He is no longer suffering and that is what is helping me get through this. I also have to thank the ones that said that there are not always warning signs. I always thought that there were warning signs and that is why i took this so hard. I thought WHAT DID I MISS????. I will be ok and i will get through this with all of you at my side.

I love you all in a very special way

Shadow

Ria · Senior Member

{{{{{{{{{{{{shadow}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi, I'm sending prayers to you and your tenants loved ones and friends. I hope in time you may find some peace. In October last year a friend of mine also took his own life by hanging. I found it very disturbing. He was an A who attended meetings and had a sponsor but somehow just couldn't stop drinking. I personally believe he had a mental health issue that had gone undiagnosed because of the alcoholism and it was beginning to be looked into. I wondered if perhaps there was more I could have done to help but deep in my heart I know I did all that I was able to do. His family found him, which was very traumatic for them.

I had to talk about my feelings and process them. I had to let go of resentment as I felt he had somehow fallen through the system. I prayed often for acceptance as I recognized that I would probably never understand the ''why's and wherefore's''. Even if I knew them I don't think it would have helped ease the loss. I know he was in a great deal of emotional pain and couldn't see any other way out of his suffering. I also know he felt that in taking his own life he would be releasing his family and the world from 'the terrible burden of him'. (His words not mine.) So in his distorted thinking, it was far from a selfish act. I have heard that oftentimes, when someone has made a decision of this magnitude they disguise it well and may even seem happy.

I personally suffer from clinical depression and have had suicidal inclinations. With hindsight, I recognize now that I didn't actually want to die (though it most definitely wasn't a cry for help or a way of getting attention) but I didn't know how to live without suffering. I just wanted to stop the emotional pain and in my opinion it was that pain that clouded my judgement. The only thing that stopped me was that I knew my Mum could not afford to give me a decent burial so I postponed my plan while I saved for my own funeral expenses. I have since been told that nobody even knew I was unhappy let alone suicidal. Fortunately for me, it passed and in a time of more rational thinking, I found help and also began working a program. Al-Anon is a plan for living so for today and hopefully many more days, that is my choice.

Finally, it helped me to grieve my loss and come to terms with things by believing that my friend is now no longer miserable and suffering. He's in a 'better place', enveloped in the love of his HP. I hope that doesn't sound like a meaningless platitude as it gave me some measure of comfort. I hope in sharing my thoughts and experiences with you I have helped in some way.

With love and support,

x Maria x

Oopsy, while I was replying you've re-posted and said much of what I've shared. Know that we are all here for you.

-- Edited by Ria at 20:32, 2006-07-07

peewee · Senior Member

I too am sorry for your sorrow, Shadow. Sounds to me like a f2f s.o.s. group might help according to what the others said. Talking about it with those who share the experience would probably be really good. . . as well as coming here to be with friends who care about you.

PW

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I once went to a meditation group where there were people whose loved ones had committed suicide. They like you felt guilty and wondered what they could have done.

It seems like this person had some kind of a relationship with you as he targeted you. So no doubt he/she felt some kind of connection to you when he had no connection to life. That is indeed a sign of how generous and loving and respectful you are. I know when I have felt suicidal thinking of someone who would miss me has been comforting.

I also know of the kind of despair people feel when they are suicidal it is a hard place to come back from and to learn to live in the world. Some people do not make it.

I also know that at times I have been called upon to make the super human effort to talk to people who are sucidal. I made that effort and could not make the same super human effort to persuade myself to feel less despairing. How typical of an al-anon to wonder if they could have done more. Clearly you did a lot for this person or they would not have targeted you. Perhaps you were the only person who were kind to them or non judgemental to them. What a gift.

For me it is such an effort to be enough, for what I have to give to be enough. That's it, this is all I can give. My a and others are always asking for more and I have no more to give.

I think you did plenty, more than plenty from what you've said. For some people that is not enough but it is not for me to make a super human effort for anyone but me. I have to be in the equation too or else I end up very very sick.

Maresie.

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