The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life has been difficult with me and my boyfriend - life has been difficult for HIM - and his reaction to it and me has been difficult for me. I keep saying I am trying to give him what he needs, he keeps saying maybe I am trying to hard and thats the problem. However this is all I am doing:
letting him call all the shots (when he calls, how long he talks, what we talk about)
being patient and understanding and not take his nastiness towards me personally
take a step back for myself and realize I am going to have to take care of me - he is unavailable right now.
I havent lost the focus on me. My LIFE makes me happy - he and I together right now - not too happy. He is moody, frustrating, up and down, right and left, inside and outside, you name. He says to me - it seems like you are trying to be patient daily for me to return to myself - and I said - yes because your moods switch in a moments notice. He thinks that he is just acting the same everyday and he cant see how I have to follow along trying to figure out what to do.
All my patterns of behavior are being challenged right now - Cynthia's old reactions:
get angry
strike back because I feel like I am being ripped apart
focus on him alone
fight it out
get needy
go into panic mode that he is going somewhere
Cynthia's new reactions:
Stay calm
focus on my life - get my stuff done and enjoy it
make sure I sleep
make sure I eat
be there when he needs it - take care of my own needs independently
keep an active social life (regardless of how bitter it seems to make him)
There is a sense of peace that comes with this - I cant fix him and make his life any better - he has to make his choices, deal with the consequences, deal with the hardships - and not take them out on me. He doesnt realize the more you bottle up all the different feelings, emotions, thoughts - they have to come out in some way - and the first emotion to be expressed is??????
I feel alot of men are not able to process their feelings/emotions unless they learn. And it is a known fact that men and women are different. I see so may good thing you have written down for your plan to take care of you and that is great! Making lists like this is a great tool in my opinion. Just don't sell youself short is all I say. It seems so soon still since your other relationship ended. Enjoy the fun times and do keep alert of what I call the red flags. Change takes time. I admire you for your hard work in learning more about you! cdb xoxoxoxo
