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I've noticed that when my A quits going to his AA meetings his morals seem to disappear as well. He stops going to AA and he starts cheating. It isn't that he is necessarily drunk when he cheats, he just isn't going to AA meetings. Am I the only one that this has happened to? Has anyone else noticed a correlation between the loss of morals and the lack of attending AA meetings?
I noticed a similar trend with my boyfriend. He knew that he needed to keep going to meetings. At least one every day. I think it's easy for any of us (AA or Al-Anon members) to forget to listen to our HP and to forget the happiness that lies in spirituality if we miss meetings. I am not sure if my boyfriends relapse was a result of missing meetings or vice versa. All I can tell you is that when he is ready to embrace AA completely, he will. I strongly encourage you to attend face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, or to keep attending if you already are. My boyfriend said he appreciated the support (even though Al-Anon is strictly to strengthen you, not him) and show that consistency is important for progress. Best of luck and God bless.
I don't quite understand " he isn't necessarily drunk when he cheats" if he's drinking he's not sober . Morals to me u either have them or u don't , anyone wanting to change thier lives can make a commitment to stay faithful
There is a line in AA literature that says U can sober up a horse thief but all u have is a sober horse thief - if they cheated before sobriety there is a pretty good chance they will do it sober.
I was told to look at why i am willing to accept that kind of behavior and not to waste my time trying to figure out why he does it ? Only he has the answer to that question.
I don't quite understand " he isn't necessarily drunk when he cheats" if he's drinking he's not sober
I was trying to say that it isn't that he quits going to AA meetings, therefore gets drunk and in his drunkenness cheats on me. I'm saying that when he quits going to AA meetings, that is when his morals seem to disappear. He doesn't necessarily start drinking when he quits going to AA meetings. I hope that makes a little bit more sense.
Please bear in mind this is my opinion only; based on my personal experience, the shares I've heard at open AA meetings and the discussions I've had with my A and other friends who are recovering AA's. I've heard AA referred to as Altered Attitudes. For me the concept of AA and working a program is about so much more than getting sober. Another aspect is identifying, addressing and changing old behaviours.
My A is a naturally private person. When he was drinking this developed into dishonesty and deceipt. Partly because it was necessary to maintain his addiction, partly because it was a coping strategy (not a good one but one nonetheless) but also because he felt guilt and shame and then a need to hide 'it' (whatever it may be) etc. In recovery he has shared with me that deception then became 'natural' to him. His first instincts were to be dishonest. Like many he would lie and if he felt unable to lie outright then he would 'lie through omission'. i.e not tell me something he knew I had a right to know especially if he thought it was something I would give him a hard time over.
In AA he learnt skills to address these sort of things and healthier coping strategies. In listening to others, sharing of himself and trying to work an honest program he more quickly recognises when he is reverting to old thinking and behaviours and can take steps to deal with them before he 'acts out'. This is when the saying 'that one alcoholic can best help another alcoholic' really comes into play. They see through any attempts at denial, rationalisation and justification and 'call' each other on it in a way we cannot. Therefore, IMHO there is a direct correlation to attending AA, working a program and the 'quality' of recovery/sobriety.
I cannot comment on your A's cheating as this is beyond my experience.
Finally, it is also true for me personally that if I neglect my Al-Anon program, miss meetings etc I am more likely to revert to old behaviours also. Irrespective of where my A is in his recovery, I need to work my program for my own sanity, serenity and recovery. Hope this helps answer your question.
cheaters cheat and abusers abuse , alchol maybe masks it.I know from my expericence that when my ex a sobered up he still cheated he still was a jerk just sober..as i said my ex .Aa helps them get sober and stay sober .When they get sober they can address the other issues.
Hi, I forgot to say and don't know if it is pertinent to your specific question but not all problems or dysfunction are caused by the disease of alcoholism and its effects. There may be other issues in play and different resources or agencies may be needed to address these. (For example some mental health issues) A lot depends on how willing a person is to get the help they need.
I agree with Dori. In my case, it has nothing to do with alcohol. My ex-A actually cheats and abuses when he is in the program. He is better when he is not attending because he is around people with higher expectations. One size does not fit all.
My ex-A also thinks he will die if he does not attend a meeting. The all or nothing thinking that works to get you sober is also a detriment when trying to emotionally evolve. I have seen more success when they use outside therapy in conjunction with the program.
