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What are some of the ways you all deal with the money thing? I have become an expert at hiding money, but doing that makes me feel sick, because he is always calling me a liar, and I guess that makes him right, but I don't know how else to deal with it. I am just starting back to work again after 3 years of staying home with our daughter, and right now he is working ( sporadically ), and I don't see any of the money. I need some way of having money I can fall back on without him finding out and screaming at me about what a filthy liar I am in front of my kids....again.
I am working hard on this part of my recovery also. Here are some of the suggestions I have received from trusted members of Al-Anon:
1. Read everything I can get my hands on about Traditions 7, "Every group ought be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions"
2. Detach financially from my AH in all areas that are possible. (credit cards/bills that you don't have to have your name on is a good place to start)
3. Set up a budget in which we are each contributing, the money beyond that is mine to with as I see fit, without having to answer to the household commitments.
4. Have separate bank accounts.
5. It is ok to have a Plan B, even financially and/or with the use of finances, it is part of taking care of me.
This is a very difficult topic for me, I have/am working really hard on it, but it is still very difficult. Keep coming back, you will find that you are certainly not alone in this.
The money issue yes a real tough one. That is where detachment and letting them suffer their own consequences becomes the hardest for me.
I work full time and have my own separate bank account. He only receives a monthly disability chech which is half what I bring in. He pays half the household bills which doesn't leave him much and when he is active (more so than not lately) he drinks a 30 pack of beer a day. That adds up to more than he brings in each month.
I get his money for bills the 1st of the month but by the end of the month if he is actively drinking that month he starts to overdraw his a/c (he has bank card for his account) even though he knows there is no money in the account. I end up throwing $20 in here and there to cover even though I don't really want to. I worry that if I don't the bank fees (which can really add up) will eat his next month's income (direct deposit) before it even hits the account. If that happens, then I would get nothing the next month for bills.
Would like to see him suffer the financial consequences but don't see how to without suffering myself.
Two years ago I started to slowly take care of me. Like you, I was home w/kids for a time and went back to work. I need to protect myself and my children so I came up with a simple plan.
Built my credit ( opened a credit card in my name only).
Built a cash stash. (in the begining I cut out the bottom of an old pair of boots and covered it with the inner sole,then move it to my mom's house. When I got the credit card I used my mom's address and was able to open a savings account using her address b/c of the credit card going there. AH does not know about either. Account is small but enough for an emergency.)
Learning as much as I can at work and building contacts in case I need to go full time in the furture.
My own reasoning is as simple. If I need to leave quickly but can't because I put AH first, what would I say to my children? I don't feel bad, there's nothing wrong with a Plan B.
Hi Michele! I can relate to having money problems. I've had them all my life, and now, after being in recovery for some years, am finally beginning to get a handle on it for myself. And this is just about my OWN difficulties with money! I know it's much more difficult if you are trying to share a living situation with an active A. I think some of the suggestions already made are very good ones. I only want to add to those that you might check out the books written by Jerry Mundis, who is the founder of Debtor's Anonymous, and has excellent (12-step oriented) advice about money. Not just about debt, either, but how to improve one's self-worth and self-esteem enough to be able to be more effective in negotiating about jobs, career, salaries, and shared living arrangements.
I think it's important to have some clear agreements from the outset, with a partner, and in writing, so it's easier to see where the deviations are, and you have something in hand to show when things go wonky. Easier said than done, I know! But it's a start. We have a right to have a reliable system re finances, and the right to ask for equal repsonsibility about this with a partner. The trouble is, with an alcoholic, the disease renders them incapable of holding up agreements of any kind! Then you have to consider what your options are.
Good luck with this--it's a painful, stressful and difficult part of the whole business of working with an A who isn't yet able to work on their own issues.
