The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well after trying to receive love from her for over 2 years, I am done. I cannot mainly believe that first year of what I thought was bliss and almost perfection has turned into THIS; however it has, and I accept that.
I realize now the woman whom I fell in love with never existed. She was a facade created to cause me to attach so she could utilize my love for her own benefits. I knew this in my spirit from early on, but "hope" had prevented me from facing it. It feels very positive to finally to let "hope" go, and to accept reality.
We broke up on 6/6 when I finally told her I could not be in a relationship like this anymore. A relationship where I was alone. A relationship that offered me nothing. A relationship that was merely like a slave and his master (in this case mistress). A relationship of bondage and pain.
She told me to kill myself that day. Could I even then see her negatively? No, I could not. I excused her because "she" was in pain. I found the chat channel that same night. I did not mainly have plans to speak to her again, unless she initiated contact. Another error here, allowing HER to make the decision.... I know.
Upon her then contacting me and begging, I agreed to be friends. Well this was yet another form of manipulation and absolute roller coaster. I sat around for 3 weeks waiting for this "friendship" to become organized and understandable. Then it began to appear bright! I had that "hope" again; however as she seen that I was beginning to apply Alanon principles.... she suddenly vanished. I waited for over a week. I realized I was waiting for HER to let me know what was occuring. _I_ did not want to wait. _I_ wanted to know, so I contacted her yesterday (6/27).
Well as the sap I seem to be, I sat there for a week wondering if she was ok. If she even was alive. Much concern, all for nothing. When I called she answered the phone, and was very discourteous. She told me "gee ya know I was having such a good day until now". Well yes, my heart dropped. We had just spoken last week, and had a very pleasant promising conversation.... now THIS?????
As I sat there, with much emotion attempting to the best of my ability to put principles over personalities I listened to this woman and all of her insults, put downs, and attacks. I could not believe this is the woman I intended to marry. Frankly, it disgusted me, and I am not a person whom is at all easily disgusted!
I attempted to reply with appropriate calmness to which it then seemed she became even more angry. She kicked in even harder. I then lost my serenity. It was apparantly too much on an emotional level for me this early on in the program. I was not harsh, but I responded with extreme sorrow asking her various questions of why this was all done to me, why she had to do all of this. Still at that last moment thinking I could "break in" to her heart. Thinking I could change her, make her love me.
It didn't happen. All I received were angry shouts, lies, and insults... even insults on my spirituality, ended off with a profound "I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS!!!!!!", to which I was then hung up on.
Over two years of effort. Over two years of work.... to receive nothing in return but pain. It's rough; however upon her hanging up, I realized FULLY this time exactly what type of person I was dealing with. I faced reality. All I could do is think how my God had spared me of living like this for the rest of my life. I do not believe in divorce. I would have been damned to this. I am so grateful for His Mercy!!!!!
I wrote her one last small letter after arriving to calm down several minutes after the hang up. I thanked her for letting me know that I could let go, and I told her that I forgive her. I then closed my email account. My cell is off. I will change my number tomorrow.
Wow the alcholic dance.I have done it and is no fun.i am proud of you for letting go a little thing to maybe realize sometimes it is a daily thing you keep letting go till it really gone.
I too left a relationship that was very toxic and tried to hold on with one hand and let go it got me real sick until i finally let go.
Tony, I send you every good wish I can think of! You have taken a stand and are determined to see it through. Your courage shines like a new penny!! And you are right. Now it's time for YOU! There's a world of love and light out there waiting. Congratulations to you for reaching out for a better life.
Welcome to MIP. Do come back often.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I am going through the same as you at the moment. And I understand your loss and hurt as much as one person can understand anothers. I have days when I'm a bit stronger than others, and days (like today!) when I'm very weak and all I want to do is paper over the cracks as we have done so many times before....and "go back to normal". It's very hard to be strong I find.....but I have found a lot of my guidance from these boards, and so developed strength. I worry about how I will handle it if he comes back again and tries to persuade me back...I pray for strength then. Words of wisdom I found here were "If nothing changes nothing changes". I kept doing the same thing....accepting the rubbish....over and over again....and now I realise something has to change...and the only thing I can change is me.....
I admire your determination, and send you lots of love. Take care of you now AM
The dance ... and then awareness and acceptance of it, and decision of what action to take so that I won't be a partner in that dance anymore. I send you (((hugs))) and and best wishes of support.
Your post reminded me of when I was nearing the end, but was still trying ... my now ex and I had just come out of an appointment with a marriage counselor, ... I can still see this interaction, it's vivid in my memory. I turned to him and asked him why he treated me the way he did. He replied, "Because it is so easy." No remorse, no understanding or responsibilty, no desire to change, just acting on the opportunity to hurt someone who loved him. An honest moment.
Hi Tony, I hope you're taking good care of yourself, and getting through your painful time okay.
I know you're very appreciative of the kindness of others. Obviously you're a gentle, kind person. But I just wanted to point out that you...for yourself...are very worthy of much love and kindness.
Sometimes we spend so long trying to help everyone else....we forget that we actually deserve so much for ourselves. When I eventually (after many years!) came to realise this, I didn't know how to do it really...I felt a bit guilty being kind to myself at first, never having afforded myself the luxurymuch before.
But now gradually, I'm getting there..........still having to work on it all the time though. ...but it's getting better!
Hey Annmarie, Right, I am attempting to concern of myself; however it is I agree, something I am not accustomed to doing after taking care of only her for so long. I am relieved that it is all over, grateful for the resolution, and with happiness to be free; however I am realizing what a long way back I have to finding myself again.
To even hear these compliments blows my mind. It is no longer easy for me to process anyone saying anything complimentary/positive about me like it used to be. In fact just the opposite. I am realizing just how much this 1 person has affected my self view. It is all a good lesson though. It is likely a lesson in humility for me.
I am glad to hear you are arriving at it becoming less difficult to be kind to yourself though. That is great! You seem very kind and caring. I am certain you deserve whatever you can give to yourself, and much more.... keep going :))).
Tony
Tony