The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my AH has brought me to tears AGAIN. This time, over an article I sent him IN PRISON about how its a good idea for Prisoners on Parole in general to do certain things when they get out, like work, maybe transitional housing, and have a support group. Just an article I thought he might find interesting to look at, think about...not necassarily all about him.
This article was somehow turned into me not wanting him to live at home and me saying he doesnt have a job. He DOES have a job. I know this. He is in a Union and will work again when he gets out. As for him living with me, I did not say ANYTHING but "think about it and tell me whats best for you!" with an asterick next to that part of the article.
So he wrote back "You're spending too much time online. No intention of living with you. Dont want to go back to our old ways. IM ON PAROLE NOW!!!!! As far as programs SAP (prison term: Substance Abuse Program) blows away any program or psyc you have in mind. Get a Job. I have a JOB!!!!!!!!"
I have a job too, BTW. I mean seriously, is it me or is the guy wacked? Its just an article. Somehow it all applies to him???? I hate him sometimes.
Why do I love such an A**hole? Oh-help me, help me, help me, to at least see my part in this. Do I have one? Or is he just a total D*ckhead? I never GET IT with him and then when he reacts to things in such an extreme manner,it always blindsides me, and I feel like I did something wrong obviously, but it was so unintentional. What could I have done different? Or is the only thing I could have done different was not marry him? Meaning, is there any hope, even if I was a black belt Al anon, of our dynamic ever changing or is he just CRAZY? And too abusive to even stay with?
And even if I did suggest unintentionally something offensive or hurtful, is it unreasonable for me to want him to respond with a questioning, communicative letter, ASKING me exactly what I mean because he doesn't want to assume...or is that ridiculous to expect from anyone? Seriously, I mean, Im young, I dont know, maybe ANYONE would be upset by this, not just a 5 time DUI, dry alcoholic, 90 days sober, 45 year old man in prison?
I dont think that you were wrong to send the article. I do think that he is like most of our a's defensive and manipulitive. They try to get the focus on US to take the focus off of them.. They are really good at that, at least my husband is anyway... I use to really put the blame on me and thought i was the reason he drank, and was so angry all the time.. Now I see that it isnt me it is HIM and HIS problem.. It isnt unreasonable to think that a husband would communicate with his wife but it may be unreasonable to think an a would communicate with anyone.. We set ourself up for dissapointment all the time ( at least I do ) I have expectations of what I think a good marriage is and become upset and frusterated when he doesnt live up to it..
Dont be so hard on yourself, it is really difficult living with someone with an addiction whether he is dry or not.. I use to think that if my husband stopped drinking that everything would change, now i see dry or not he will always have this addiction !!
Take care of yourself, take the time away and spend it on you !! Read, go to meetings and get stronger for YOU !!
I guess I am trying to find my part in this. I dont think I was 'on his back.'? He wanted to move back in with me. I didn't think that was such a good idea but hadnt talked to him about it yet. I guess I thought maybe he would be reasonable and realize that it probably wasnt such a good idea and I thought the article was a really good example of that reasonableness.
But I didnt say that. I said "think about it and tell me whats best for you!"
Was that controlling? Maybe just the article in general was 'on his back'. It never occured to me. I was trying to help. BAD IDEA when an Al anon "tries to help" huh?
Oh well, I had another sleepless, tear filled night because of this relationship.
I dont know what to do now...should I write back? I just want to ignore it. And ignore him. I dont know why I am so hurt. It feels like a slap in the face through the mail. I guess its because my heart was so in the right place.
Something can be wrong with his social life, Hun. Maybe he's having girl problems. Or daydreaming about some girl. "ChinaBuye"? You need to speak to him and keep trying. A mother to son thing. I'm not trying to scare you with the negative thoughts, but you never know. Maybe you should do the homework with him or get hom tutored so he has to pay attention in school. The last thing you want is to go to a therapist. Kids hate that a lot.I hope things become better with your son!
