The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Inspired by a recent post from a member, the only thing I think guilt and shame do are make us feel worse. No good has ever come from ruminating about guilt and shame. If I do something I feel was wrong or hurt someone, I will make amends ASAP (Steps 9-11.). However, if I choose an action to save myself, and to make life better for me, (especially if suffering any way from the behavior of another), I'm doing it. I left my first marriage when my son was about 9. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. Did it hurt my son? Yes. Was I sick about it for many years? Yes. And has it all turned out for the best for my son and myself? Yes.
Our program teaches us to focus on ourselves and I do not have to take any sort of abuse from anyone, anymore. I resigned from the doormat club and I'm a proud member. :)
Thank you for the reminder and perspective, Lyne. In some situations it's pretty nigh impossible for me to see this when I'm in the grieving stage of whatever was just lost. I do immediately make amends, but my codependent ways make me then also feel responsible for and want to hurry up the other person's ability to be ok with my apology. I know where the boundaries are though.
