The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I was reading about self-love. The article said you cannot really love someone else until you learn to love yourself. And you need to practice self-love with belief and consistent behavior. I learned to hate myself due to an abusive childhood, followed by relationships with alcoholics and addicts. Those adult relationships continued the abuse.
It was my alanon program along with a magnificent sponsor, that taught me about self-love. This took several years of course. A non-alanon friend asked me recently if I loved myself, and I replied that I now love and respect myself. She looked at me with awe!! Yes I still have flaws and will always continue my recovery, but I have a much improved way a life. Grateful member always.
Hi Lyne! Thank you for this post. It's been a long time since I've been here and my life and self have once again fallen apart. As I was trying to keep the wheels on the wagon, increasingly so starting about three years ago, the answer that always came back to me was to focus 100% on self-love, all the time. Every day. No exceptions. Did I? No. But I knew it was the answer. Another way to do that was to try to be myself as much as possible, for as much of the time as possible. Last year I dug out a load of old photo transparencies and negatives (remember them?), and found somewhere to get a few of them printed up, to put on display at home and remind me of a time in childhood where I felt safe, loved and completely self-confident. I realize I am lucky to have had that. Many don't. What I had back then was more than self-confidence, it was just so matter-of-fact. If anybody exhibited any kind of dramatically negative behavior, I would be able to quietly observe them and not take any of it into myself. Just feel sorry for them and wish them well. Now? Well it's all my fault, I'm ugly, hideous and inherently flawed and unlovable, and I'm going to ruminate about it till kingdom come.
I consider this post (and thank God the board is still up) to be confirmation I need to make self-love a priority. You're right. It takes a long time. I've got some serious rewiring to do.
Focusing and ruminating on someone else these past few years has eclipsed all consideration for whoever *I* might be. The result? I got so fearful of abandonment by him that despite every effort, I ended up causing him pain out of the blue at times, probably once every two weeks on average. Each time I did that I deeply, DEEPLY regretted it and wished I could turn back the clock and undo it. Each time I thought it through afterwards to figure out what the heck happened. And each time it was self-abandonment at the root. There is an addictive element to that particular relationship, not just between the two of us but surrounding us in our families too. So I'm stepping back, trying to detach once again with love, and focus on self-love. It's all I've got.
Welcome back CTF! It sounds like you have great recovery skills which just need some revisiting and practice. You might bounce back more quickly than you think.
The board is struggling, so unfortunate. I keep checking in and if your care to post sometimes, I'll surely answer. ODAT. :) Lyne
Thanks Lyne. You might be right about bouncing back more quickly. I think that I will at least bounce back with a more solid footing, and less wavering.
