The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Right now I don't care!!! I had my last drink while out with friends when my husband was in rehab. It'll be three years in November. What did I do as soon as hubby left for the Alano club tonight? I went across the street to the party store and bought myself a pint of watermelon schnapps. I'm sitting here drinking it right now. I'm sure that having not had a drink in so long, it's going to knock me flat on my butt...exactly what I intended for it to do. I quit drinking to try and support his efforts. I've never had a drinking problem...could always take it or leave it. Tonight I felt like taking it. All I got for my support and for putting up with 14 years of the alcoholic hell he created for our whole family is "I don't love you anymore" so why should I worry about what coming home to find me drunk will do? I gave and gave...everything I had and tonight I want to do what he used to be sooooo good at doing...self medicate and forget it all for a little while. I'm still with it enough right now to know that what I'm doing is wrong but you know what? Tonight I just DON'T care!!!
I don't think your wrong. Just because our partners are A's doesn't mean we can't have a drink now and then. We are not alocohics and just because they can't drink with limits doesn't mean we can't have one now and then. The temptations for them are everywhere and if they are going to drink, they are going to drink.
Granted, if they are new to sobriety or having a hard time of it at the moment of course we wouldn't make it harder by bringing it into the house but if it is an average day we need to live for us. I don't keep beer in the house becuase that is what he drank but I like a glass of wine now and then and I will buy it when I want it.
At first it felt wierd but we talk about it and he says he has a problem with his drinking not anyone elses.
Anyway, I've gotten off track. Live for you and if tonight that means having a few then go for it! He is a grown-up, he'll have to deal!
No guilt Rio. Let loose tonight and hopefully you won't fel too bad tomorrow.
Hello Rio , so sad u have to hurt yourself so much over a disease you din't cause or can't cure. The only person who is going to be upset tomorrow is you .
Thanks all. Surprisingly, I don't feel bad at all today. Last night I swore I'd have a hangover from hell today, but I don't at all. Doing what I did last night certainly didn't solve anything. I'm not foolish enough to believe that drinking will make anything go away. Of course, the problems are still here today, but last night, at least for a little while, they didn't seem so big.
I'm really not sure why I did that last night. Part of me just wanted to forget everything for a few hours and part of me was hoping that just maybe my husband would come home and see what a mess he's created, what he used to look like...make him deal with what he used to do to me. Another part of me simply wanted to be defiant...to buck the system so to speak. I gave up drinking to support him, so by doing that, I felt like I was slapping 'the system' in the face. I know it probably doesn't make much sense, but to me it does.
You know, I was just thinking the other day "If sacrificing myself could make him happy, I would be willing to do it." Guess it shows I don't have the program yet!
The point is, though, sacrificing yourself does NOT save him. You could be perfect, in every way, and it would have little to no effect on his disease. You could give up everything that meant anything to you, in order to concentrate on making him happy, and, you guessed it, he still would not be happy, if he wasn't getting it for himself. It is not your job to save him, it is your job to save yourself.
And, good Lord, if you want a drink, have a drink. If his sobriety is so shaky that he can't watch another person having a glass of wine, it's not your fault.
