There are none quite like this one though it's hit a slow patch admittedly. I recently spent some time on a mainstream board where subforums included alanon. Though not CAL approved. More of a venting space which this board had been for me 12 years ago. But MIP had lovely programme ladies and gents so there were a lot more programme messages that got through to my poor sick brain at a time in my life where I was so alone and strung out. This board was a much needed lifeline and I honestly don't know where I'd be now had I not found it. I still like to trawl through the old message threads for comfort and hope from time to time. Today is such a different time in space for me. Four lovely children, a bachelors degree and now a post-grad certification as well. That post grad certification almost killed me lol omg it was so hard! But I got through it with lovely lecturers, work and prayers. I've been processing truth this year. I think it was here someone told me that eventually the pain of staying is greater than the fear of leaving. I'll say this for our side of the fence; we try harder than most. I tried so hard. Eventually I gave up on marriage and I don't think I'll ever do it again. I've realized I really like being single. The thought of having to consider another person's feelings before making a decision at this point in time leaves me stone cold. It's too much emotional labor and I was definitely over worked and under compensated in marriage in that regard. I spent a month feeling ashamed for staying so long. Then another month being angry as I realised how lazy my ex actually was and how much awful behavior I tolerated. Along the way I've been looking at my own old beliefs. But what I'm most proud of is my home space now that I'm not living in marriage nor false hope. My ex was incredibly messy. He'd leave crap everywhere and had a bad habit of hoarding junk. He'd aquire useful stuff in his eyes and then leave it around literally for years. Years. Or he'd get an idea in his head and gather crap then not act on the idea. My back yard and my garage were just disgusting. He never cut the grass on time and it would take days for him to finish it. So I cleaned out the garage. That was emotionally hard at first until I realised this was literally the last time I'd ever have to clean up after him. Then I transformed my back yard into a garden sanctuary and found a reliable person to cut my lawns. Now my children can go play outside without being endangered by random objects. I have beautiful flowers in my garden. This is my joy. I am slowly working through my anger with the help of my garden. It's a crappy disease but I'm free now and I have found peace.