daughter needs help - Al-Anon Family Group

Elizabeth M · Veteran Member

daughter needs help

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Elizabeth)))

Good for you for working your program!!!

((((Daughter))))

I am so happy that you have a program to work. It will show your daughter that you can have peace even in the midst of chaos. I don't know of any books for teens but I'm sure you will get alot of feedback on that. Unfortunately, when I was where your daughter is at a time in my life...I was not exposed to Alateen. But...I sure had the anxiety over when my dad was coming home. No cell phones then either. It was horrible!!!

The problem I developed from it was this. I was/am the same way now with my A son. Always wondering where he is. He is 35 and now living with me. He is suppose to be moving out in the next couple of weeks. I hope, with the help of this program and my HP that I can let go and relax. I will have to work a good program to do it.

So.....thanks for seeking out help for your daughter. It will not only help her now but going into adulthood too. I wish I had that support when I was 16.

YFIR...Gail

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I grew up with an alcoholic father and did the exact same things your daughte did to your husband last night. There is one exception though, it was my mother hounding me every night to call dad at the bar and ask him to come home. I had the number of the bar memorized.

To answer your question about literature, I only wished I had the Al-Anon daily readers, Courage to Change or Hope for Today. They have given me so much comfort over the years. They do have many stories about children growing up with alcoholism in their families. It has helped me tremendously. I did notice, however, that on this website, there is an Alateen book called Paths to Recovery. I have not read it, but if it is anything like the conference approved literature that we read in our home groups I am sure you can't go wrong.

As for the lack of Alateen groups in your area, if you have a home group, perhaps you have female friends that could listen to your daughter if she feels ready to share something about her dad's drinking. I myself was dragged to AA meetings when I was 11 years old by my mother and father. I am not sure why they did that. I didn't feel like I belonged and I thought I was being punished for some strange reason. Luckiliy I found Al Anon through a friend in AA. It only took me 28 years to get there. I am not sure how the groups in your area are set up, but in my home group, I have seen teenagers brought in with their parents because the weekly Alateen meeting was temporarily suspended due to a lack of attendees.

I wish you the best of luck with your daughter. I pray that she will find her way.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ H U G S }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Elizabeth))))

I am so proud of anyone getting help for their childeren. You are a great mom!

To be honest, at 16 I would invite her to your regular meeting. You don't even have to tell her it is for her, you could just ask if she would go with you to your meeting. She may not want to, but you never know.

When I was a 14 year old boy... you know the kind where bullets bounce off their chest... I didn't take my mom up on her invitation, but I wish I had.

I will tell you that what I learned from her by example alone, helped me through many things in my life. Just you going and setting the mood will help her alot! Keep doing what you are doing and my prayers for you and daughter.

Take care of you!

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Think there may be alateen meetings online and your daughter may be able to connect with someone that way. I remember my eldest son saying a while back to me can't you just send Dad away somewhere Mum to get help? I replied that I couldn't control his Dad's drinking it was a disease and it was up to his Dad to want to get the help. I was trying to re-inforce that none of us were responsible for his actions either. Hope this helps a little luv Leo xxx

isabela40 · Senior Member

Hi ELizabeth,

My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

I too experienced similar things with my daughter, still do.

My daughter refuses to go to alanon, refused to go to alateen when she was a teen (she is 21 now) since she is dealing with the whole thing by pretending we are the Brady Bunch, with just one kid, SIGH.

She does not want anyone to know...she even tries to hide her Dad's alcoholism from our closest friends and gives me quite a lecture if she hears me confide in someone.

If you only knew the hours and hours of reasoning I have done with her to help her MOVE ON.

I tell her that I know she wishes she had normal and healthy Dad but she does not, and to face it and learn to live with it.

I tell her that the best thing she can do is keep her life healthy so that she makes a healthier life for herself.

Poor thing, she is still trying to keep us together too. Always telling husband to tell me he loves me, or telling me to talk to him, SIGH.

The only thing I have been able to do that works is keep her busy with positive and healthy things. When husband is home drinking, we rent a movie and watch it, or make a craft project or go to the store or to visit friends.

I am not an expert but was a graduate student in a phsych program and nearly finished it. I took a lot of classes on psychology. The concept of "detaching" is VERY difficult for most adults in in my opinion nearly impossible for children. It goes against their every grain. It is so totally unnatural for them to detach from their parents, the two people in the world that they depend on and rely on, that it is nearly impossible. It is also nearly impossible for a child to understand why they should stand by and watch a family member kill themselves in slow motion, think about how horrible that is to say to them basically. Children love their parents and rely on them, and so want them to be healthy and happy. Healthy happy parents make healthy happy children and they know that...so it hard for them to sit by and watch helplessly as addiction robs THEM of any hope for a happy family life.

The best you can hope for is to keep them busy busy busy with healthy and positive things to distract them from being obsessed with what the A Dad is doing.

Maybe next time your husband goes out try talking to your daughter about something she would like to do. Go out for ice cream, go pick out a movie, go to a friend's house, go to a movie, go to the library. It will be hard for her to be alone with her thoughts and not be obsessed with worry.

My daughter and I always had a good relationship and we talked a lot anyway, so it was easy to talk about her A Dad's problem.

I talk to her about alanon principles like detaching without calling it alanon. She is more receptive now that she is older. She is at the age where it is normal for her to detach at this age, make her own life, not have it centered around her parents.

My husband does not carry a cellphone as he KNOWS she would have called him incessantly, he knows she is worried, he tells her to mind her own business and stop being my clone, SIGH.

I told my daughter that as painful as it is, she needs to realize that an addiction is a powerful thing, or it would not claim so many lives. I told her to think of it like her Dad had cancer. He is very sick, might die, only his sickness made him not think he was sick. I told her that many adults kill themselves in slow motion with addiction, some smoke and die of heart disease early on like my uncle who died at 35 a week before his first child was born, or a friend of ours who died of cancer from smoking at age 32, or another much loved freind we had who died from morbid obesity in her thirties.

Lots of adults kill themselves in slow motion with one addiction or another. It is just that alcholism, and drug addiction, makes them act crazy the whole time they are doing it, unlike overeating or smoking.

We also did LOTS of research at the library on alcholism and addiction so she could understand better his sickness. AND I took her to counseling so she could talk to a professional about it.

All of this really helped her a lot. Now it is routine that when he starts drinking we go to our rooms and find something to do. Sometimes together, especially when she was younger, and now more separate that she is older. She finds something pleasant to do on her own to distract herself. That is good detaching, although she does not know that is what it is called, LOL.

She used to sit by him and try to distract him from drinking, and when he went out she would try to get him not to drink and drive by making up things wrong in the house that he had to check out.

So, after many many years of hard effort, she has learned to cope, but she had to become an adult to learn that and it is still painful.

Maybe you could share alanon principles with her that you read about. Probably your daughter won't be so resistant to alateen or alanon as mine is, at least I hope not.

Isabela

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

Like most of the other post I can suggest if she is willing, bring her to meetings with you. Reassure her that annonymity is practiced totally and completely. And mean it. That way both of you can feel comfortable still sharing in the meetings.

If she doesn't feel comfortable going at this time, then give it to your HP and practice the slogan "Let it Begin with Me"

Best Wishes,

Rita

Elizabeth M · Veteran Member

thanks for all your responses. Last night he drove her back and forth to her practices and she was all smiles...I can see she is in the same cycle as I am/was. I think I will wait for the next time (sure to happen) and instead of not responding to her comment take the opportunity to discuss this program. Thanks also for your kind words and support.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Alateen prints some awome books , they have a couple of daily readers written by teens for teens . They also have a great book called Courage to be Me . you cn purchase these books at your area literature depot or if u are attending Al= Anon meetings ask them to order you one . It is a real eye opener for us to see that our kids are doing what we do isn't it ? blew me away . Goodluck Louise

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