I am new. Advice needed. - Al-Anon Family Group

momofthree · Newbie

I am new. Advice needed.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome. you are in the right place. alanon has taught me that when i am confused i do not have to make any decisions. try to get to a face to face meeting. the first time i went to a meeting i had baby #2 and i set her down and told them that i wanted to leave my husband. they gave me a hug and told me to keep comming.

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

((((())))Most important people in your lives right now are you bub and the kids. If you can do what the doctor says and have bed rest at home then you must for your own health. Try and get someone to take your other kids out for a day or if possible a visit to Grandma's so you can concentrate on you. I bet you are physically and emotionally exhausted by now. The trick is to get your focus off him and do what is best for you and the kids. If you don't look after yourself properly you will end up in hospital and then you will definitely have bed rest. If you have family you can reach out to don't be afraid to say I am not coping and need a break. Take care. Luv Leo xxx

Tammy · Senior Member

I am really sorry that you are going thru this.. We all have those feelings. They come with living with someone addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. Alanon teaches us to turn the focus off the alcoholic and put the focus on YOU !! Try to spend as much time as you can with the other children and taking care of the new life growing inside. Put your feet up, order take-out and get a pedicure.. :) My friends in Alanon have told me when the time is right to leave you will know it. I have also heard that you shouldnt make any life altering decisions until at least 6 months have passed in alanon. This board is wonderful, there are so many wonderful people here all who truely understand where you are today.

Take a minute, relax and begin taking care of the little people who need you let your husband take care of himself.. I would encourage you to go to the bookstore and get a few books on the disease. It really helps me to understand his actions, it will be scary how similar your husbands will be to other alcoholics. My husband drinks pretty exclusively beer and he used to say " it is only beer, all MEN drink beer " For years I thought it was me.. Then i found this board, and alanon and realized learned the three C's..

I didnt CAUSE IT
I cant CONTROL IT
I CANT CURE IT

It is all up to the alcoholic..

Be easy on yourself, it is really difficult living with someone with this disease.. Lean on your family, friends and us here on this board.. It does help

God Bless
Tammy

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((momofthree)))))))))))

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi momofthree,

Welcome to MIP...

I have to admit, I had to chuckle, picturing two grown drunk men throwing eggs, then egging a a police car. It sounds like something out of Animal House..

When I was new to Alanon I had a hard time understanding the "keep the focus on YOU" comments. I wasn't worried about me, I wanted to make the alcoholic stop drinking!
Unfortunately, I couldn't.

Keeping the focus on you is somewhat like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first when in an airplane.... so you can care for yourself and children.
As was said, we can't change the alcoholic, so we must change ourselves, our reactions and our old way of thinking. We accomplish that by doing the 12 steps of Alanon.

We put up boundaries for our own mental health (these aren't rules or ultimatums for A) that protect us and keep us focused on our own recovery.
We learn we do not have to attend the fights, we can walk away.
We allow the Alcoholic the dignity to suffer their own consequences and do not enable their drinking in any way... ie; calling in to work for them, making sure they get to bed if passed out on floor, lying for them in any way etc..

We learn that there are things we can do to help ourselves and indirectly to help the alcoholic. Changed attitudes, which come from greater understanding of the illness, may result in the drinker seeking help.

Keep coming back..
Christy

-- Edited by Christy at 10:55, 2006-05-27

jennneeefffurrr · Senior Member

Nobody can tell you what to do....you will find support, strength, wisdom and peace here.

I am really new to my own recovery through AlAnon.

I can tell you that you need to do whatever it takes to make you feel good about your life and especially now that you are facing a difficult pregnancy, been there too. I had Placenta Previa with my son, it is a condition that occurs MOSTLY in women who have had an abortion prior to the pregnancy, not the case with me, but it does make carrying a full term healthy baby very chancy.

IF it were me, I would ask him to leave and set boundaries for his return. My boundaries for my A to come back into my life are:

attend AA meetings as often as possible - as many in a week that he can go to

work the 12 steps

remove the "triggers" from his life, such as NO more bars, friends go BYE BYE permanently, no alcohol in his home or mine

if he is drinking or drunk he cannot see me or talk to me-he can only contact me if he needs a safe way to his home, not mine

We have been separated for just a couple of weeks, he has not tried to come back yet, but I thought it would be smart to have boundaries in case he does.

Best of luck and blessings for a beautiful healthy family.

JEN

Like I said I am new to all of this, but I think you need to set boudaries with you AH...the hard part is sticking to them.

Scota · Member

God! I know how you feel!

I've been married to my A. for 13 years now also. He didnt' start out drinking a 12 pk a night but does now, plus a 5th of whiskey to boot. He was totally smashed lasted night and I am as sick of it as you are.

I'm glad I joined Al Anon, and I'm so glad you did also. See, you're not alone in this, sweetie, and I think that's the biggest comfort of all, is to read everyone's stories, which on the whole, aren't much different then our own. But you're not alone, keep coming back to this board, you're going in the right direction.

Take care of yourself-

Wendy

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

You are talking about some very drastic and intense actions, especially during a very intense period of your life. One of the best things I have learned in Al Anon is I can ask for signs from a power greater than myself as to where/what I should do. I would encourage you, too, whenever you feel scared, overwhelemed, whatever to say simply "Please slow the beating of my heart. Please guide my feet. Please make me willing to do the next right thing."

The next thing I would do is call the local Al Anon switch board in your area and get to some regular face to face meetings. The people that go to these meetings understand your feelings and can help you sort out your confusion. They can also help you figure out what your options are. Please remember to take things one moment at a time. Also, you don't have to make a decision at all; this is making a decision. Not making a decision for the time being might be the safest and best thing till you can sort out what you need to do for YOU (and of course, for you kids).

Please keep coming back.

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((momofthree))))) <<< hugs

Everyone else has shared wonderful things so I just wanted to give you a hug and welcome you to our MIP family and encourage you to keep coming back, to find local meetings, and join us in chat here sometime (we have online meetings too twice a day). Glad you posted!!

Luv, Kis

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Alanon meetings 800-351-9996

Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666

Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.