The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need to hear more about how to actively live with an alcoholic husband. Not how to shift the focus onto myself. How to connect to my husband, live with him happily, etc. I need to be told to spend time with my husband, join my husband & son when they fish, hang out on the deck with him and his friends (even if Im not drinking), find the one thing we can do together and do it! Not just focus on myself. Anyone else agree?
This is just my E, S & H, - Keep coming back - hope this helps you understand how we deal with those issues,
The reason we talk more about focusing on ourselves, is because I had to learn that was the only way I was going to learn to be happy, unlike the movies portray - the alcoholics/addicts in my life were never going to suddenly wake up and realize I was the best thing that ever happened to them and live the rest of their life catering to my every want and desire - yes, that is what I thought for many years was eventually going to happen - boy was I in for a rude awakening.
As the serenity prayer states, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot Change, Courage to Change the things, and the Wisdom to know the difference. For me, Changing the things I can is ME - my outlook, my life, my choices . . . I can choose to be around my family of origin, if their drinking gets to a point where I am uncomfortable, I can have a Plan B - my own vehicle so I can leave when I want or I can thank them for the invite, but I have other plans and can't make the party, etc. Having a Plan B, an escape from a situation that I am uncomfortable with or that crosses my boundaries is a serenity saver for me. It doesn't mean that untreated alcoholics and untreated al-anons are no longer a part of my life, I just have the ability to control my exposure to them. That is why I talk about taking care of me,
Don't give up before the miracle happens in you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I agree that for those of us who continue to live with our A partners need to hear about ways to connect with them. For me, I have allowed myself to become more relaxed in sharing time doing things he enjoys and what I enjoy. Before, I was so angry and irritated by the friends that would come over and sit on my back porch and drink and listen to music. I was angry because i didn't have anything else going on in my life. When my attitude changed about relaxing a little and enjoying the time I do have with him I was able to enjoy the activities too. We go out more now. We go to live music concerts, and when the friends come over I have taken the time to hang out too and get to know them more. My kids are in bed taken care of so I can relax to be myself. The results have been great for our relationship. Now the trick is to apply what I have learned to living with sobriety. Alcohol was involved during each activity... my A needed it to be relaxed and happy, the rest of us didn't need it so much. I do more things for me too, I'm focused on me, but I feel in order for any closeness or connecting to occur in our relationship I have to take advantage of the times he wants to do something with me. Its not always convienent for me, but I try to make the time and take it as it comes. Hope some of this helped.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I believe that the idea is to learn to focus on ourselves; learn how to attain our peace and tranquility. Those things go hand-in-hand with being able to live with an active A. (Well, for some of us anyway
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I live with my actively AW and we spend almost all of our time together except when we are at work. We work on the house, the yard, play with the dogs, watch TV, go to diner, go to car shows, go camping, etc, etc. About 80% to 90% of our time together is pleasant, it is just when my A goes too far with her drinking that I start detaching and leave her alone. I am learning a lot from this site, but I want to live with and enjoy my AW as much as possible, so I just live with it as best as possible. Best wishes to you!
It's so easy (for us) to lose yourself in other people's stuff. Then where are you? If you are here and now, then you can be with them and not lost in their trip. But I'm having such a difficult time right now I don't think I have any good advice to offer to the question. Thank goodness for good sponsors (I have the best one)!
Well barbara what u do with your family is your choice , and al anon does tell you how to live with your husband , practice patience , acceptance , honesty all those neat things we hear about in our meetings. Keeping the focus on you is giving you freedom to be who u want to be for a change , focusing on your needs instead of every one elses.
Everything we learn in our program improves my relationships if i practice it . If I am happy and content inside there is a pretty good chance that I can spread that around my family unit I have discovered taht good moods are catchy too. Just keep commin Barbara your doing so good and to think we almost lost you a while back , :)
Barbra--This is the mission of al anon!We believe that ultimately, the alcholic, when left to their own devices, will suffer the consequences of their disease so long as they don't have interference from us. If we get involved in the alcholic insanity versus tending to ourselves, we deprive our alcholic of the dignity of making mistakes, of the dignity to make decisions, and of the right to suffer the consequences of these decisions! Things like our slogans, literature, steps, sponsorship, These things do teach us how to live in alcholic active disease, IF we keep an open mind. But as soon as we place expectations on others as to how to help us help ourselves, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to grow, to learn about ourselves, to change, and to make new decisions about who we are!
Al Anon is an exciting, ever changing way for us to live! It's okay that we're not comfortable with ourselves when we come in--in the mean time, get to a regular, face to face meeting; get a sponsor; work the steps; and keep an open mind!
