The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has clearly made some good progress in the last couple of days. He's attended meetings every evening since Tuesday. He said last night he feels this time is different for him. He said he feels very welcomed by the other people, which before he felt awkward like he didn't fit into the group. He also said that he feels its different for him too because he knows this is it. He said he feels his body knows it as well because he's having withdrawels, irritability, and nightmares. Everyone has told him this is normal. He sincerely apologized to me last night for everything he's done, for blaming me, for the anger and abuse. I just explained to him that its different for me too because I know it can all fall apart in one day. I'm scared but I let him know that our HP will take care of me, the kids, and him. I know that part of recovery is the fellowship. We have not seen him very much all week, the kids miss him, I miss him.
Today, I guess I said something like I understand that going out after a meeting with everyone is important for fellowship but I'd like to see you too. He said he's trying really hard to do everything I want him to do and stay sober. I took that as meaning I'm going to these meetings because I want him too, so i said, I'm not asking you to go to meetings. This is your recovery you make the choice. ( He meant stay sober and show committment to me and the kids, etc.) He knows I will not continue the relationship if he cannot stay sober and get help for his emotions and anger problems. I got disappointed yesterday because he spent the money he had for counseling on toiletry items, when I asked him why he did that, he said, "well I guess I thought you'd help me." Meaning I'd put it on the card. I said no, its not my responsibility to pay for your counseling, keep your appointments etc. He is understanding this, but i think its been such a natural part of him, expecting others to pick him up and take care of him, he's not used to being responsible on his own.
My question is, is it unrealistic for me to say can you balance your time and spend at least two evenings at home a week and one weekend night so we can have time too. I don't mean he shouldn't go to meetings on those nights just come home after instead of going out for coffee. I want to heal from our problems but feel that if we don't give each other the attention it will be very difficult. Am I supposed to step back and not ask for this right now? Thanks for letting me share.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Twinmom, Whew! It sounds as if you are all doing what you need to be doing for right now. It is amazing that you and your husband have come this far. And your trust in your HP is tremendous. For right now, please remember to keep the focus on yourself. You can let your husband know what you want, but then you have to trust him and his process, as well. The other day someone in the program told me: "If I say something more than once, it's a matter of control." I don't know if that thought helps you, but you have told your husband what you want, and now you have to allow him to respond or not respond. That is true for all of us. It takes great power to ask for what we need and then to allow the other person to do what they have to do. This is just the beginning of recovery. Please take care of yourself, twinmom. Get to meetings, work the 12 steps, and continue to trust your HP. You are doing great! Blessings and prayers for you all, mebjk
For our household, compromise is the greatest tool. But it took a long time to get there.
There are always different options in spending time with our loved ones, I know for me, when my ah and I started living together again, with both of us in recovery; it was hard to have time together. He was usually at 4-6 meetings a week (night meetings) and I was at 3 night meetings. We discussed the issue and worked out a few options - sometimes I would meet him for an open meeting and then I would join the after meeting coffee; then we scheduled Sunday for "our" day. To spend time together alone & with other recovery couples. Just fun time.
So explore your options - prayerfully after he makes those recommended 90 meetings in 90 days, he may be willing for you to attend some open meetings with him. Do you have options for babysitters? Can you schedule work hours to maybe have lunch together? Be creative.
For me, I have to be careful because my A always did his acting out (drinking, using, etcl) at night, so if he is not home at the time I expect him home, I can get right back into that Fear. Not saying that is where you are, that was just my issue with him not being home at night, not so much the time together, but what was he doing, is he relapsing, blah, blah, blah. It was for me like most of my actions about Fear.
Hope you can get creative and work it out - also keeping good thoughts for your A's recovery,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I guess this is not true ESH since I can't even dream what it would be like to have my AW or ASon in recovery of any kind, but based on what helps me not over obsess on what's happening today in my life, I would try to obsess on "what a wonderful problem to have..."
Meaning - For today, I may not see my loved one as much as I would like, but how wonderful to have them working so hard on something that is so meaningful for the rest of our lives.
I overheard my A-Father tell my Mom that my constant whistling was driving him crazy when I was about 13. My Mom said he does that 'cause he's in a good mood... would you rather him be pissed off?
She never mentioned anything to me about it, but I always try to remember it when someone is taking care of business (whatever that is) and something about it bugs me. It helps.
I like the suggestions of carving out some peice of time during the week and do something together. Really protect that time and use it regularly... give you something to look forward to.
Keep taking care of you... You are doing great!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can relate to what you are saying. The other night I told my husband that I felt like he had gone from abandoning his family for his drug-addict friends, to abandoning his family for his AA/NA friends (the latter definitely being preferable, of course). I mean I'm PROUD of him for finally owning up to his addiction, and I know the support from AA/NA is critical. But bottom line is that we also need to establish some normalcy within our family again. The kids need to see him at home doing the things he used to do, even if it's just sitting down to watch a movie with us, and I need to see this to.
If you are asking him to be something he is not, then yes. But you are asking him to find his way back to himself, so to speak, and that's just always going to be difficult. The most pressure will always be what he applies to himself.
I think your approach is very thoughtful, that you have your wits about you. That's got to help. Asking for advice from the community is also a good step, making that connection, not doing it alone. Stepping back, using your consideration. That's gotta be good.
All of the replies above are good, too.
I would add one other consideration from my experience. Going to the meetings and mingling the AA ideas into his life is good for him. It may not seem like it but his life is at stake. I'm not refering to his relationships (or innocent bystanders), I'm refering to his heart beating, lungs breathing, brain pulsing. If he is willing to go be involved with AA, I would step back and marvel at it a bit.
I know you are glad he is going! This makes me think of things from my own experience, not necessarily in your post.
Out of sight but not out of mind. At some point in the future he may be putting himself right by your side, needing to be with you as much as you all need to be with him. That's worth some investment on your part; if giving up that time would make the difference would it be easier for you?
Remember: there's no guarantee of any results, you can't control it by asking him to do anything or by not asking.
"He said he's trying really hard to do everything I want him to do and stay sober. I took that as meaning I'm going to these meetings because I want him too, so i said, I'm not asking you to go to meetings." Reading that made ME nervous. By that I mean that seems like one of those delicate moments where you or he could just turn and go 180 degrees in the other direction. It sounds so familiar to me. Blame was sneaking around there looking for an opportunity to make things worse.
While considering the question you posed, maybe we can ask our HP for understanding and compassion to give to our As and families, to help us surrender with grace to what will be, and to give thanks for the blessings of each moment.
