The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a fairly new to Al Anon, been joining the chat rooms but never really posted here or attended a f2f. During an online chat last night, I asked folks is it normal or common for your A to be nasty to your family (meaning my siblings/parents). It was a rough week for me this week dealing with my A while trying to enjoy my family that all live out of town. The response I received from my roomies was that yes its part of the disease. While I can't understand it, I felt comforted with the fact it is the disease and not the man. Even though it doesn't make things right, it makes me feel like I am not totally insane to love a guy that hates everything about me....LOL. Then somebody said its the disease just as much as your disease (which I assume they were talking about my co-dependency characteristics). That just blew my mind, I have never really spent time really educating myself on the topic of co-dependency while I know that I suffer with those traits. So I went out to some web sites to learn a bit more about co-dependency and learned how messed up I really am....so I guess that is my epiphany. I have always down played this thinking my problems were nothing compared to everyone else around me and now I realize that I am just as messed up but differently. I mean I knew this but I didn't really know this....confusing to explain.
So now I really have to focus on my needs and wants and learn what they are. While I have been partially focused on my needs and wants and setting up boundaries for years, since I have been emotionally neglected by my AH, I still feel such a strong sense of who I am through him. I have given up most of what makes me happy in life and I guess I have come to the decision while I love my AH, its never going to change unless I make change happen for myself. I did schedule a meeting with a psych to help me down the path of recovery and plan to go to F2F on Friday.
So keep me in your prayers and thoughts that I may have strength, courage and gain self esteem to do what is right. I in turn will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers as we fight the same additiction.
You're right, it is an epiphany. And lucky you, you're getting it right away. So many of us are in denial for way too long thinking that we couldn't possibly have a roll in the BS that has bogged down our lives. Not our fault, no way!
We tend to want to make excuses with "yeah, buts" or "I wouldn't have done XXX if he/she wouldn't have XXX"
We do have a similar disease in that we blame others for our actions and of course denial, denial, denial.
The truth is, we have had CHOICES all along, for our behavior and and our actions. Somewhere along the line we forgot or simply just made the wrong ones because we were consumed by our own disease.
What's amazing to me is that most of my epiphanies have been really simple things, but an awaking for sure. I had choices? I didn't have to sit alone while A was out partying? Who knew? I could get off my pity pot and get a life? I could find HP, recognize he is a part of us all and he wasn't punishing me?
Our reality is truly what we make it. I can choose not to be b*tchy, angry, hurt and not worthy.
OR...
I can choose love, happiness, peace, and a new wonder of a nature and a life that I have created. It was there all the time, silly me :)
Keep coming back Christy (Cjo)
-- Edited by Christy at 12:55, 2006-05-25
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
