The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I was served a huge dose of acceptance yesterday.
Got a call the day before that my wife was do to discharge as insurance ran out. I bust my butt to see what I can do but then hit brick wall after brick wall.
Yesterday, I call and my A is enroute home. I attempt a restraining order and can't get one and despite everyone saying she shouldn't come home yet, there is no way to keep her out.
I asked my HP that my words and actions be consistent w/ thine will, not mine. I did what I thought was the next right thing at every turn and she was still home. I came to believe that today this was meant to be. In doing so I was able to be very calm and civil, even pleasant on the phone w/ her and after.
I do see some changes, I don't know if they are temporary, if they are her being nicey nice to stay home or if it's all for real. All I can do is ride it out and see what it brings and continue to do what I think is the next right things.
For me yesterday, the difference between being controlling and not is that I resolved to the fact that I'd accept the results even if they weren't what I thoght was right. It was a much more peaceful place.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Thanks for sharing that, I believe you are right. We know how we want things to look, but it doesn't always turn out that way. Its part of learning to accept the unexpected and that sometimes HP wants it done differently. I'm learning that big time this week. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I so hope your A's homecoming will go relatively smoothly, for everyone. It's difficult to not expect all the "old stuff" because that's what you and the kids know.
When my A came home I decided to give him (in my mind) a clean slate. I asked HP to take all my prior resentments. That meant no expecting the destruction and no assuming.
I believe it made it much easier for both of us. Of course I had momentary twinges..lol Like when he'd say he was going to go wash the car. That always meant "and stop at 7-11 and buy vodka and a bottle of tea, gulp half the tea and add vodka to other half".
Then, he walks in the door, (I'm still surprised that it doesn't take as long to wash the car..lol) he's sober, no glassy eyes or stupid remarks..It's the real hubby :)
They are just flleeting thoughts, old memories, old habits. I remind myself that it isn't what he does anymore and feel kind of guilty for even having the thought. I shoot up a lil prayer thanking HP each and everytime.
It took my son some getting used to having a Father that was actually HERE in mind and body. It also took A some time to learn how to be a sober Father. At first when A had any input I noticed a bit of "who do you think you are" on my part. I've raised my son alone, and now A was stepping in and reprimanding? LOL! I had to get over it, recognize that this is what I have prayed for all these yrs.
Same thing with the bills, my area, always. It felt as if he was invading my space when he opened a bill with his name on it..lol
3 1/2 months later, I'm getting used to the new way of life. We are so, so happy. Not one spat since he's been home. The man I married is back. Scarred, but not broken :)
I so hope that your whole family can recover from the past and your A is serious about her recovery. Try not to live in the past is the best ESH I can give. Live only in the moment.
Love you Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can relate to Christy - what is about "washing the vehicle" - and it was always my vehicle, like he was doing me a big favor - ha!! The bills also, my h now even has his own checking account and pays half the bills - I never even see the bill - Big, no Huge change in our household . . .
As for learning to live with recovery - remember you only gotta do it One Day at A Time
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Raise the ceiling for this man's growth! He's ten feet tall and still growing.
Just a suggestion Bob, put that MIP screw in your pocket, so you can stick your hand in there any time you may feel stressed, so you have tangible reminder that we are all with you.
Serenity is possible!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Bump , Thank you for share re this new part of your experience.
Yours are always inspiring or thought provoking whether or not we have similar situation. We still have the same basic questions in our souls, at least speaking for myself.
I think of you and yours, send good thoughts your way.
I hope and pray that your A will find long term sobriety, and the family will be whole again. Hang in there and keep working your program. You can only get better for it. Maybe HP has a different plan for you. I wasn't ready for my A to come home, and it's been rocky. Now he has left, and I am standing firm in my needs for his sobriety at least 90 days, if not 6 months. We'll see. Definitely keep a tight grip on that screw. But try and remember that she might be honestly trying to make a go of this. That first year is always tough. The odds are usually against them. But don't give up on them either. Miracles can and do happen. I am holding tight to that belief for my A.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
