The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Even though I have filed for divorce, and am ready to follow through there is this fantasy in my head of my AH finding recovery and living happily ever after together. I am afraid of the pain I will feel when this does not happen.
Why I believe this will not happen was confirmed last night when he called to talk ... about us no, ask about me ... not really. He called to tell me how messed up life is selling using and being around people who are involved with drugs is. Said "I am an alcoholic" really quiet like if he whispers it then it will not really be real or something. He also said he does not have a problem with drugs, but needs to get out of what he is doing quickly because the people are crazy ... YOU THINK SO??? Anyway I held my tongue except for two comments, that it sounded to me that he was gonna be lucky wnough to pull himself out of the mess once again in time so that in 6 months or a year from now it will look attractive again to him, and that an alcoholic is still an alcoholic even if not drinking ... he said oh yeah a dry drunk.
The difference between the fantasy and reality in my life makes me cry.
Oh ((jen))...if i can relate to anything, it is the fantasy. And the mourning of what "could have been". My AH forced me to reevaluate my fantasy when he told me nothing was going to change. I thought for a few days that my hope was gone, but found that nothing is ever hopeless...as the alanon way teaches us every day. I too can relate to the heartfelt admissions that A offers me, telling me that he knows he has a problem....and the feeling of "here we go again, heard it before", etc.
I used to pour over the alanon literature (and even AA lit.) to find examples of how marriages were saved...mended....trying to almost convince myself that my marriage was exactly like those success stories. Also to feed my fantasies of a happily ever after. I have stopped filtering these testimonials to fit my purpose, and have been able to read for meaning, healing, and strength in myself...that feels so good.
I used to pursue the dream of stability...but realize today that that is not the proper direction to take myself in my healing, because life is change....constant and beautiful change....and at every turn, there is the potential for something so much more beautiful than we can ever imagine just waiting for us to walk into it. We won't find it if we don't put one foot in front of the other. I remind myself every day that staying in the same place in my spirit will rob me of what my HP has in store for me. I have faith.....whatever will be will be...and it is not for me to decide.
Be good to yourself today. What you are going through is no surprise to anyone else in here that has experienced it. I love you, and am praying for you to find serenity (and for me to as well)
I have a daughter who is "out there", who thinks she can drink, but she just can't do drugs, but alas when she drinks she loses the ability to not "use", So then she "uses" so she won't have to drink . . .
The things they say and tell theirselves would almost be funny, if this wasn't such a deadly disease . . . A cycle that has a deadly end if recovery is not found. But a cycle I can detach from to keep me from that horrible fate.
Remember, not matter what you and your HP together, will be ok!
See ya,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Go ahead and cry. What you are doing is very difficult and painful and brave.
I am gone 1 year and filed for divorce last August. I used to have alot more episodes where I would think, if I only did this or that he would find recovery and we will get back together.
What someone here posted has helped me alot. Why go back loooking in the same empty well, you know what is there?
So I know the well (my marriage to my husband) is over and I grieve the loss while forging ahead eagerly to a new life filled with unexpected new experiences and hope and life.
In support
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I cant help but fantasize that my A will return to me, confess his undying love, tell me that he will NEVER return to treating me like sh*t and drinking, he is getting rid of all of his loser friends and devoting his life to me.
Aint gonna happen.
He is an active A, comfortable in his disease. He was sober and went right back to booze.
The fantasies must be normal, but they are VERY damaging.
I get so caught up in them, then I want to call him, I just KNOW it is meant to call him at that moment, because my mind tells me he must be thinking of me and regretting how things have turned out....
