The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sad today... Just a few days ago i wrote about how i was feeling numb. Well, today I am sad.. Not sobbing sad, but just blue sad .. ( you know the difference ) .. I guess it is part of this roller coaster we are on ..
I think we should seperate again, that scares me but i know it is the right thing.. My pastor ask me why i love my husband ?? I told him he was a good person inside, that i see the person he was and could be again. As i think about that again i realized that I cant remember the last time he really made me laugh, supported me, made me feel safe, secure and just sat and listened to my day. I cant remember the day I could count on him for emotional support as well as support with the children. dont get me wrong he works and does do things around the house but I dont ask him to pick up the kids because he may be drinking.. Don't we deserve to feel secure ? Don't we deserve to have the emotional support we need ?
Just having a BLUE moment.. and wanted to ask you to say a prayer for me.. I need strength, courage, and direction.
I don't know you but read your note cuz you said you needed a prayer so I hope you felt it. Funny when I read your post I thought it was me who wrote it. I was just thinking "do I love him"....and thought that when I feel in love with him that I felt safe and secure. Tonight I had a fight with him..yes, I failed at detaching, but exactly what I ranted to him was remember when we met how happy I was. He has sucked the joy out. I am coming to the same conclusion that there is no possibility to keep things together. I just have to find strength to pick up the pieces and move forward instead of this present day limbo.
So anyway, I very much relate to you right now and you are in my prayers. Keep me with yours and remember our HP loves us and is helping guide us to the decisions that make sense. Just a shame this disease is.
It comes and goes doesn't it? What a great thought for yourself to have a good day with your husband. To have love and safety and security. I think for me the sadness comes from grieving for those times that we use to share. My AH is a good person but I haven't seen that man in a long time. I find that I just have to embrace it because it is mine.
My thoughts and prayers are certainly with you. Take it slow. I can absolutely relate to the sadness you are feeling. I have/am grieving what might of been, my dream/illusion of marriage. Some things what have helped me are: to realize that it is/was MY dream, it may never of been my AH's dream or the plan my HP had for me. It was just an illusion, created in the mind of a person who is deeply affected be alcoholism. Today I realized that I have a new dream, one that I do not have to create, therefore I can be released from the whole expectation/resentment cycle. I just have to be willing to participate. It (the new dream) is the one that my HP has for me. I cannot even imagine what it might be, for He is just too awesome, sees things in me that I cannot see in myself. I have to take a leap of Faith, live in Faith and not in Fear...No it is not easy, yes I slip (often) but at least today I have awareness, tools to get back on track.
Another thing that has been very powerful for me is the guidance of my sponsor, and others in my meetings and f2f circle of support. The clarity that they can bring to me astounds me. I will share something and they'll say, "You know, Lynn, I really think that this is about ______________. Maybe you should do some reading on that and then journal." I will often not see the connection, but again, realize that I asked my HP to put people in my life to guide me, that I can no longer do it on my own. So I do it, and lo and behold, the connection is there, and awareness is made and it puts me on the path to Acceptance, and Action. (wow - The 3A's) You mean I am not a helpless, hopeless person? That it major for me - as things always seemed doomed and hopeless before program.
As I read you post, I listened to the voice of my sponsor, and could here her saying, "Lynn, go read some pages on Decision making, sit with it, journal, and be good to yourself."
My prayers are with you, may your HP guide you to the peace you are seeking...
I know your feelings. I still get those days and it is hard. You will know, within your heart, when and if the time is right. Be gentil with yourself and remember you need to take care of you and the kids.
(((())TAM I can really relate to the rollercoaster it is like a tidal wave of emotions. You start to question your own sanity because the mood swings within yourself seem to be attuned to the way the A is acting. Hope things look a little brighter for you tomorrow. Luv Leo xx
I will say a few extra prayers for you today. And you should remember the Serenity Prayer too. It helps me sort through things when I am doubt my decisions.
