Attitude - Al-Anon Family Group

hudsond · ~*Service Worker*~

Attitude

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

Dawn,

How brave you are to work on changing your attitude!! I definitely give you a "You Go Girl" One step at a time, sounds to me like you are on the right path.

Maybe try writing down those things you want to say to him before he gets home and get it out of your system (so we don't stuff it) Then find a safe hiding place for your writings, don't want him to find it & try to use against you (I know of several non-recovery A's that have tried that on friends). Might help get it off your mind and then not feel like you need to "share" it with him.

Just a suggestion . . .

See ya,

Rita

kent_s · Veteran Member

This morning I was all messed up. I set my alarm to let me snooze another hour, I felt so tired. Then, when I got up and was in a hurry, my AW was already up puttering around. She's just gotten back from 28-days recovery and we're not quite adjusted back yet. I found myself cursing myself for little things from my hurry and she would be standing there asking, "Did I do something wrong?" I was so tempted to blame her for every little thing, but in my sleepy haze I still new that wasn't right -- kept my self on track for getting ready and off to work. Whenever she is up when I leave and kisses me goodbye, I always forget to do or bring something before leaving. And I had that feeling today and tried not to communicate it. Didn't want to make her feel guilty for just being nice to me. Nice to get a kiss and a squeeze before heading out!

Forgot to eat something. Forgot my vitamins. Stewed about it. But not for long. Still I did feel bad for having to fight off my own bad habit of blaming.

I wish I could approach every moment without any bias, just be open for whatever is happening in the moment. Instead I bring so much baggage with me wherever I'm arriving.

Easy Does It!

-K

(Here's a helpful story I stumbled on today, sharing it a lot... Thank You Barbara For Being My Teacher!)

-- Edited by kent_s at 16:28, 2006-05-24

jennneeefffurrr · Senior Member

I think my BIGGEST obstacle is NOT losing it on my A when he ritually stands me up, ignores my calls, chooses loser friends and booze over me, is disgusting to look at, listen to and be accompanied by when he is cooked on booze.

I have known for quite sometime it does NO good to get angry with him, it changes nothing, it only makes me feel worse about myself and my life.

I wish you the best, I wish you peace and I wish for your and AND mine AND all of our A's to be touched by God and delivered from the evil of addiction.

LOVE

JEN

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

I sit here laughing, oh how many times I've done the same thing. It was like my A did what I had asked, but then in my "ill mood" I wanted to zap him because even though he did/didn't do whatever, it just wasn't good enough. I could justify my attitude with the simplest thing as saying, well he may have gotten it right this time, but just wait, lol, or I'd be ready to stew in all the times he didn't get it right in the past, so again it wasn't good enough that he got it right this time. Oh how sick I was.

My problem was I just knew how he was going to be, what he was going to do and how he was going to act. I was prepared with my attitude ready. I must have thought I was god -- with all that I knew. The thing for me was that I was packing so many resentment from over the years that my A couldn't win for losing, so why even try.

It is so good to be able to recognize what it is you're feeling, deal with it in a healthy way and not punish anyone else for it. It is really healthy when you can sit down and ask yourself why it is your feeling a particular way and actually come up with an honest answer. It took me some time in alanon before I was able to do this.

It's so funny that tonight I should catch your post, I found myself a little more than aggrivated with my A, and he hadn't done anything except act differently that I had expected him to. I've often heard we are sicker than our A's, to me this only proves that there is truth in that statement.

Thank you for the reminder that when I'm not feeling right, the first place I need to look is inside.

babysteps · Senior Member

I had a problem understanding boundaries recently. For example, I set what I thought were boundaries by telling my ah things like he needs to shower every day, and he cannot drink and drive. Well, of course he is going to do what he wants regardless of what I say.

I posted about this and got some educational replies. Boundaries are about what you want for you, not what you want from him. They are also conditional. I realized that these boundaries were actually expectations. I expect him to bathe daily (seems pretty simple), I expect him not to drink and drive. Well guess what, I was dissappointed often.

By understanding that boundaries are about my limitations, not my expectations, I was able to readjust my thinking. For instance, my new boundary is that I will not sleep in the same bedroom with him if he has been drinking. His drinking has a consequence, but it is not to punish him, it is to ensure that I get a good night sleep. Another boundary is that I will not clean up his beer/wine bottles. If neighbors see them around the house and he is embarrassed, that is his problem, not mine; and I should not have to do the extra work created by his mess.

Another thing I have learned recently is that if you don't have any expectations, you will never be dissappointed. This has helped me avoid that let down we have all felt. And, when he does something positive, I am pleasantly surprised.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.