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OK so last week I set a boundary with my roomate. She kind of crossed my line and the folowwing morning I left her a message saying basically "When you don't respect my boundaries it makes me feel insignificant and stepped on." So ever since the entire incident happened I've been obsessing about it. It DID piss me off and I DO feel justified in saying something about it. But I am sooo not comfortable about asserting my boundaries and asking for the things I need that I'm totally freaked out. I keep thinking that she's gonna turn on me or like start a confrontation etc. She's been out of town until last night. We had a nice evening and went out with some friends and there was not animosity but I could feel some distance between us. I tried to ignore it and pretend like nothing happened. In any case, I'm like waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Seems to me you set a boundary, it was crossed and you spoke up. You handled it correctly. End of story. There's not much more to be done on your part is there?
Are you obessing because you expect an apology? If so, expectations will get you every time. Asking for an apology just doesn't have the same impact as when it's offered freely. So, you'll still be feeling the same way.
You'll feel much better if you can assume you've done your part and it's over, which in your roomate's mind, it very well may be.
Take care :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Guilt - most of the time I have learned that what I have been feeling was "false guilt" Especially when setting boundaries with my adult daughters. One case, my daughter called to say she was going to need minor surgery and when would I be available to help take care of her daughters. Gave her my schedule & she choose to schedule during a time I was not available to travel to help her. She was very passive agressive in letting her anger be known that I could not come help her.
I felt so guilty, luckily I had program friends I could call. My friend shared "Why should you feel guilty because your daughter made the choice to schedule surgery at a time you had told her you were not available. Why should you feel guilty about her choices? Why should you feel guilty because you set a boundary and she didn't like it?" I felt guilt because I couldn't be there, but that was totally her choice, not mine.
We are not responsible for how other people interpert our boundaries,
You are important enough to take care of you, even if you may not feel that way,
Fake it, til you make it,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
"When you don't respect my boundaries it makes me feel insignificant and stepped on."
Emafer- I think your statement was clear and to the point. I think you communicated your feelings well. I have felt unable to express my feelings with my father and many people including close friends. I have had those guilty feelings like I'm being too harsh on them, but the other spectrum is that I've allowed people to say things and do things that hurt my feelings. I didn't have the respect for me to stand up to them. It feels awkward now to stand up for myself and use boundaries but I'm getting better at it. There may not be any anger on your roommates end of things, she may be feeling a little guilty for her behavior. Just a thought.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
The harm done should always be pointed out, in your example and any other. We're not being generous to them or ourselves when we just swallow it.
As I think about it, everybody seems to know about the magic power of the word "Boundaries". You say "Boundary" and people calm down at bit, you can feel it. When we all use it (in and outside the programs) I think we all respect it because we can relate, we'd like to use Boundaries too. It's the magic of agreements and communicating.
When my boundaries are not respected I feel insignificant and stepped on, too. I feel small. I feel afraid because I feel foolish to have trusted and weak to have nothing more solid than an agreement. But my fear usually comes from myself, being afraid this is a sign that I'm going to feel worse at some point ahead. (The other shoe.) And then I'll be stuck with more-afraid-and-miserable-me -- far more terrifying than any roommate!
You never know. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes not. You can't know the future because it hasn't happened yet.
What's needed is to communicate. The power of boundaries are in the communication -- speaking and listening, listening and speaking, two people actually communicating. Choices. Don't shut down, don't be unavailable, try to have a conversation from the heart. Don't be afraid you won't hear what you want or that you will hear what you don't want -- hang in their with yourself, you'll be glad you did.
Thank you all for your ESH. This was something minor that happened Friday night and it botehred me all night and the next morning I finally said, "I'm going to let this fester and ruin my weekend." Which is wen I left her the voicemail.
I'm not expecting an appology. I'm not expecting an arguement. But for some reason I've been expecting some kind of confrontation. AND, this is the worst part, I've been thinking hwo I can' back pedal and "take it back" so that I don't have to deal with it if a confrontation does come up.
I'm soooooo freaking scared. And I don't know why. I'm just scared to death.
At the same time, I'm really guilty because I think "maybe I was being selfish and overly sensitive" or "maybe I wasn't considering her feelings".
Again, I KNOW that what I said was right and justified and that I deserve to stand up for myself. I am just not feeling that at all. But I"m trying to really hard to fake it till I make it.
And it really was a minor thing and I dont' know why I can't just let go of it. I mean, it's VERY possible that my roomate HAS let it go and I don't know why I can't.
Sure enough. the otehr shoe dropped. I got a very long e-mail this morning about how she was in a certain situation and frame of mind and that I was the one who shit on her. Niiiiice.
