The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last year I learned the concept of detachment. For me it means knowing when the A is talking and being able to decipher whether it is the A talking or the person themselves. An example is if your mom is the A when your mom says something being able to decipher whether it is the A in her talking or the mother in her talking. Detaching has almost became second-nature to me....key word: almost. Now I know just because I learned one thing it does not mean the other concepts should come to me just as easily but I feel they should and am frustrated because they do not come as easily. An adult friend of mine when she visited last year one of the last things she said was "don't let them get to you". Them is my parents who are both As. What I wish to come easily to me is like my friend said them, my mom more than my dad I think, not getting to me or should I say their alcoholism get to me.
*Reminder: At that time I had just finished high school and my summer before college was starting. A couple of weeks ago I finished my first year of college and I'm 19.*
Even while I was in college if they called up drunk I would get all annoyed and complaining about them/their alcoholism aka b****y while I was talking to them and then I felt that way probably for the next half-hour after I got off the phone. Now that I'm home as it was before I went to college I get annoyed with my dad when he is drunk and all I think and want to say/yell when he is drunk is "leave me alone!!!". With my mom I always know she is drunk when she repeats things over and over or asks or tells me something she had just asked or told me 5 minutes ago or 30 minutes ago, when she is like this I just wanna say/yell "Mom, we just talked about this X minutes ago but you're too drunk to remember!!". These are just a couple of examples of how they get to me.
If anyone can relate or have a similar problem I would love to hear how you do not allow the A to get to you. Thanks.
When one of my son calls me and he is drinking or drunk...I now simply say "I'll will talk to you tomorrow when you are not drinking"
Then, tomorrow I tell him again not to call me when he is drinking. Sometimes when it is late at night it scares the heebee geebees out of me
One night when I knew he was drinking (he is considered a drunk dialer) I took the phone off the hook before I went to bed. I was feeling alot of anxiety that night and I was in no mood for a phone call from him.
Would it be ok for you to set some boundaries with your parents in this area?
It is hard, very hard, but you are on the right track by seperating the actions into 2 groups. I find it easier to let the comments that are obviously the disease roll off my back. But the disease is cunning, and at times it is very hard to tell if there is some merit to what the A says and I am just being a butthead.
It really is mind over matter in a sense. It is easier to not respond to the drunken ravings than it is not to be upset about what they said. That is my style of fake it til you make it. Some days the words really hurt, and some days I can acturally laugh it off inside and say wow, did she really say that?
When I see that more days don't hurt than do... I am making progress. It's kinda like any new skill, it takes time and practice.
Are there some local meetings you can go to and talk?
Above all, take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I have the same problem with my AW. When she get to a certain point, she also will say the same thing over and over again, or ask the same questions ad infinitum. I used to let it irritate me too, but for the most part, I now just say uh-huh or ignore it. It does not always work but for the most part, I have been able to detach from that behavior rather than getting mad. It isn't worth it to get nasty or argue as the A, in all likelyhood will not remember one word of the conversation when (and if) they sober up. Arguing or yelling at an A will generally not accomplish anything. It just gets frustrating. Grrrrrr. Best wishes to you.
