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I have decided to release my fears, depend on my God, set myself free and let my A go.
I had not spoken to him in 10 days, had not seen him in 14, yesterday I saw and spoke to him 4 seperate times.
It did not satisfy me. I felt humiliated every time. The things he said to me were degrading...here is some of it
"I do love you Jennifer. I dont love you in a sexual way, that is for sure."
"You are weirding me out."
"You adore me too much."
"Maybe I do love you but not the way you love me."
On the phone I became desperate, because ONCE again, he was cancelling our plans to meet and "talk things out" and he chose his alcoholic, social security collecting 50 something friend (he is 32, this man is somehow connected to his father that died in September, as a result of his body being ravaged by addiction to booze and drugs) and a bar over me. I questioned him, became shaky, started losing my dignity and became more and more and more and more COMPLETELY engulfed in my own disease....my addiction to my A. I stopped myself and said I dont know what to say to you, he ended by saying I will talk to you tomorrow.
I am hoping to talk to him. Face to face. I need to see him, need him to see me, need to put all of it out there, lose my fear and SET HIM FREE. Free to live his disgraceful life in the way he chooses. Let Go and Let GOD. I am going to just tell him: FEEL FREE TO LEAVE FEEDBACK IF IT SOUNDS TOO DESPERATE AND SICK
I cannot and will not subject myself to this abuse any longer. I cannot talk to you or see you or visit with you - I am going to let you go. I am going to let myself be set free. I wish you well, I will continue to pray for you and hope you get well. I love you now and will forever, I hate it. But in the end, we both have lives to lead, mine is going in a completely different direction. I do believe you love me, I do believe you really meant all the things you said to me, you really wanted to build a future with me and you just could not do it. I wanted to run away when I realized and you readily admitted that you were and alcoholic, BUT I just "knew" that I had enough love in my heart and enough faith in God to get you well, inspire you and "fix" you. I had no idea what I was up against, I did not understand alcoholism and the power it has over the addict. The time you were sober, attending AA and your mind was clear you told me "When I'm sober all I want is you. When I'm drinking all I want is to drink." Those few days were the best in our relationship, and it is not enough to cling to anymore. I have become sick with the disease as well, and have been for a long time, and now I recognize it, it terrifies me and I have to change. You dont believe in love, comittment, accountability, responsiblity, marriage, God, morals or sobriety. You have not let yourself be open to it, vulnerable to those things or have faith that you can change and lead a fulfilling life as an alcoholic in recovery. You are who you are, I dont pretend you are anyone different. I am letting go of you, letting go of the fantasy of you, letting go of the potential of our future that will never be. I am setting you free, A, and I love you, will forever and hope you can get better. Good Bye.
Well, that is my plan and I need to say all of those things, will it bring me closure...or is there NO relief?
Jennifer you are an inspiration. What you are feeling is what I am feeling - i want to say goodbye but i can't find the time and words because i keep thinking "is this really what i want?"
I read on here a few posts ago "let the caged bird go and if he returns he is yours, if not he was never yours" such wise words in a terrible situation... Keep your faith and do what makes YOU feel better inside.
Jennn, I have followed your story with much interest and concern. You sound obsessed with this man. One the other hand, his remarks to you are very telling; he does not love you the way you love him. You are smothering him, and making him feel trapped, and he is telling you he doesn't want that. That he doesn't want you. These things are hard to hear, but a person, like myself, who is not personally involved, can read the writing on the wall quite clearly. I can see that you are hurting very badly. But you'll make it without him. Time is the great healer. I am sure most of us have been totally in love with someone who did not return our feelings. We think we might die of sadness. We think a happy day will never again dawn. But it will. We eventually move on to love and laugh again; the next time hopefully with someone who loves us in return and regards us with dignity and adoration.
I loved a man desperately when I was in my late teens and early twenties. My God, I could not imagine being without him, even though he was not the kind of person who could offer me anything but a lifetime of grief. One day I awoke and realized I wanted much soooo more than this. I turned my back on him, and never looked over my shoulder.
As I see it, your immediate problem is vacillation; one day you are going to move away from him, then next you cannot live without him. And you know, in your heart and your mind, that he is never going to make you happy. So which alternative makes the most sense to you? Try being practical about this. Grab a pencil and paper, and make two columns; "for" and "against." List the reasons "for" and the reasons "against." I would bet the only reason in the "for" column will be, "I love him." Which is not a reason at all.
No matter what you do, you are not going to change him. Only HE can change himself, and I pray that he does that for his sake. All you can do is change yourself. AlAnon can certainly help you do that. Perhaps some counseling will help. As I've said to you before, there's a life out there waiting for you. Grab for the happiness and laughter. It's just beyond your grasp, but you can reach it.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
As usual I am with Diva on this one. You deserve a loving partner. A's can't make the right choices when it comes to drinking or family. We always lose! I felt the exact same way over and over. Now I choose me! I choose to be loved and cherished. I choose to wait for the one who will be able to give back to me instead of drowning feelings in alcohol.
I chose to let him have the freedom to drink and live alone. Flitting from one drinking buddy to the next. It is his life and he has the right to live it his way.
another thing I have to constantly remind myself when I have those kind of "talks" with unhealthy people, is to not expect healthy responses. And that most of time setting boundaries for me that are healthy, not vindictive or manipulative, are not going to be gracefully accepted by the unhealthy people in my life.
Keep coming back, there is help & hope in this program,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I also agree with Diva. This man is saying it every which way he can but point blank.
Perhaps you can consider walking away today, right now, without seeing him again. Copy and paste that letter and send it off but don't have expectations of a reply. I believe in your circumstance seeing him again could only bring more misery.
One day down the road, after you have worked the 12 steps, you will look in the mirror and smack yourself on the forehead and wonder "what was I thinking"???
You can do this, Jen. Hang tough, live strong.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Seriously, Diva really said it all...she has the wonderful gift of straight talk with so much sincere compassion and concern still coming through loud and clear that it takes the sting out it, yet her words of wisdom don't lose their effectiveness.
((((((((((((((Diva)))))))))))))))) for saying what I want to say but often can't...I don't have your gift of the compassion and conern obviously coming through my many many many words...LOL.
I will add one thing Jen.
OHHHH, how I can relate to you despereatly wanting with every last atom in your entire being to have this last meeting with him...
But, from the voice of experience I can tell you that it is a waste and will not go as you expect.
I know when I rehearsed these speeches I have to admit that I was hoping with all of my might that something I said would shame him into "acting right" again, that he would be so moved by my love for him, and how much he had hurt me, and by my righteous indignation at his treatment that it would transform him....
Well...it worked that way only in my mind
With the one guy that I managed to have this last talk with it went disasterously. Yeah, one person was shamed alright, it was me...
Oh how it hurt to say such kind and compassionate things to a sneering face...
His response to all of this "I will always love you" despite you hurting me stuff? "Alright, I am a bad guy, I am a jerk, are you happy now?". SIGH. No I wasn't, with an already broken heart I know had to deal with the additional pain of this final painful scene to have my sincere and loving emotions rejected like a pile of garbage.
Jen, I urge you to save your dignity and WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK! Don't let this disgraceful man say one more soul killing hateful hurtful phrase to you. Don't set your lovely eyes not even one more time on his sneering resentful face. Don't give this man one more opportunity crush your heart up close and personal.
I know it is hard...but you can do it.
With tons of compassion and love and concern for you,
Isabela
PS After ignoring my calls, standing me up, and avoiding me for a week, then letting me have my one final scene (during which he was as cold as a stone to me and enjoyed sneering at me from across the table while I cried) I finally pulled myself together and stopped all contact with him.
I would never have beleived it the way he avoided me while I was desperate to see him and work things out between us, but once I had my fill and walked away...he went after me again!
SIGH!!!
I don't know why or what for, since I held firm with the no contact stuff, when I walk away...I WALK AWAY, LOL (he ended up so desperate to talk to me that he stalked me and police had to get involved, SIGH). It hurt enough the first time around...jerks don't get second tries with me...
Anyway, if it helps you at ALL, the ONLY way you have a second chance with this guy is to STOP ALL CONTACT IMMEDIATELY!!! That drives them nuts and that is the ONLY hope you have of him wanting any contact with you again.
So, in your desperation...remember this...chasing him and these painful scenes drive him away...stopping ALL contact and walking away is your ONLY chance of getting him to want to talk to you again.
Am I encouraging you to go back to this awful man? NO!!!
Walking away will give you some time to pull yourself together, so WHEN (I guess "if" but I have never seen this fail...but only if there is ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT, like you have fallen off the face of the earth) he comes back you will be in a better position to deal with it.
I have to admit to a certain teeny tiny bit of sweet revenge to get to reject HIM and not take HIS calls after how horribly he had rejected me...
Your trusty old friend here again, to tell you that you are loved. The dignity factor is huge in A relationships, and I can relate to fighting off urges to call, call, call, contact, see, talk to, be held by, have needs satisfied by, my AH. Somehow, I believe that God has taken that urge away for me. I have faith that all will turn out the way it is intended. I went to my first F2F meeting on Monday....NEEDED it.....and it was good. I was resentful in the meeting, spoke twice, and left feeling much more centered...understanding that my feelings were shared and understood.
I was given a message through one of the meeting attendees who made a comment to my urge to talk to my spouse and tell him that I was wrong so many times..and to talk this out. She said that if I want to communicate differently to someone, and I wanted to give him a message that I was aware and changing, the best way to do so was to change the way I behaved....no words spoken, just change how I react to situations....the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
My dear friend. You will probably not get closure, but probably end up giving up some of your power to your A. This is not advice, but I found that reacting differently to stimuli gave me more power over myself, and also spoke louder than any words I could formulate....I felt that tonight when my AH was at home when I got here to attend a legal meeting with me.
Stay strong..be weak with us, because you are safe....and supported.
