The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A is going on day number 3 sober. He reconnected with some old AA friends last night and found the home group that he feels will give him the most support. I am going to my meeting tonight as well.
The last couple of days I have been really looking at myself and what I want for my life. I have been patient and prayerful for sobriety and program. I struggle with the way this reconciliation has gone. I have been happy but have felt second rate, I have always felt second rate in his life. I have worked hard to let go of this girl that he had the relationship with, but everytime I thought healing was on its way and she was gone, he made the choice to contact her. I'm not able to let go so easy now.
I shared this with him this morning because I needed to. He said I'm sorry you feel this way all i can say is that I'm sick. I'm an alcoholic and I have a disease. He said I blamed you for everything that I thought went wrong in my life because I was too sick to realize that my actions and my behavior caused my pain and my misery (something to that effect). He said I'm really committed to this with both feet planted this time. He said she called him Monday afternoon but he did not return her call and he won't. I have some more growing up to do as well. I find that I express feelings, but look for a positive reaction from my A, I rarely have gotten it. The intrigue of allowing program to wash over him and let a healing begin keeps hope in my heart and i guess that's why I'm staying. I know I can choose to leave at any time if the old behaviors come back and he doesn't stay in program.
The quandry I'm in now is do I marry him in November or not. I'm nervous because if I marry him legally he's entitled to half of everything. The flip side is I don't want to send the message to my kids that marriage is not important. So much to consider that I can only deal with one piece at a time. I think a meeting tonight is just what I need. Thanks for listening.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You have a lot going on in your life, Do you have to make the decision on the marriage in November now? Can you wait a little while? see how things are going?
After both my husband and I had recovery for a while (he had over a year & a close to nine months) we decide to move back in together, but we agree to take it one day at a time, that for today we want to be together, and that if either changed their mind or had doubts we could discuss it in a non-threatening way. Believe me, this is a true miracle in itself. Looking at who we were before recovery that would have never, ever happened. But, we learned to take our relationship One Day At a Time, just like our recovery. Today I enjoy my marriage, and that is what I focus on. Not that we don't make plans for our future, we just try not to predict the outcome.
Well, this is just my ES & H, hope that it may give you some direction to know where to search for what is right for you and your children.
No matter what, I know that my HP & I will be ok,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You are right, I guess we don't have to chose to make a decision about the marriage right now. I think I put that pressure on myself because this would be the third wedding date come and gone. We have already told our families and planned the Honeymoon, even though we don't have the money saved up yet. Maybe this is something I can discuss with him in a couple of weeks. I think his focus on HP and recovery right now is important and I need to meditate on how to approach the subject in a non-threatening way. Thanks I needed to hear that.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thanks for sharing this. Yesterday my meeting was focused on controling behaviors. Ours and theirs. One big thing that I took from that meeting was something that has been said on this board a million times. Consider the actions, not the words.
Like so many things in this program for me, I read it and hear it, but it takes a bit to sink in. Hard head is what that is called I believe.
If you continue to look inside and only consider actions not proclamations, I bet you and your HP will make the right choises together.
IMHO, there is nothing wrong with considering if November is the right time for your marriage. It is probably very smart to pay close attention to how you really feel about that. Do it or not you will regret not giving it the attention it deserves otherwise.
However things go, you know we are here for you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Is there a particular reason you have to marry in Nov.? If your dilemna is based only on showing your children that marriage is important.... You must consider what type of marriage it would be.
Will it be one of unrest and not solid? Which only results in insecurity for children.
How about showing them that there are choice, good choices? Marriage shouldn't be considered for any other reason then a lifetime commitment of two people that are SECURE in what they want from life?
There is much you can teach your children about relationships. For me, a big one is not to "settle" for or commit to anything they aren't sure of just because others expect it of them.
Society's "right thing to do" isn't always what's best. I would suggest that you take your sweet time.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Of course you have a lot of feelings going on right now. I would try and take my time on making any major decisions! (Marriage is a big one!) I know you want to show your kids that marriage is important, but don't rush a decision--I have done that on several occassions without a great end product!!!!! Take time-take care of yourself, allow yourself some time to heal and deal with everything. I know I would have a hard time with the other woman thing myself. Just realize you have a right to your feelings and then after time maybe you can let it go. I will pray for you.
Take care, you really are an encouragement to many of us here!!!!
I am now leaving a marriage which was disgraced by HIS cheating.
Once the get a taste of it, they NEVER stop.
I would advise you to NOT marry him, he was not my A, my A is the man I had before my husband, went from A (who I did not know was an A at the time) to my husband back to my A 10 years later.
NOTHING will destroy your heart MORE than adultery, promise...
