The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i was reading some posts and i have been noticing lately the PAIN , all OVER the world...like people just being SAD!!!!!
i thought of my Ex and the good we had together, not just the bad....he was a sweet guy, funny as hell, and an alkie who did not want recovery
i was talking to my best and dearest friend tonight on the phone and i THANKED her for being my friend of 30 years...i told her i have had "friends" come into my life and go out of my life and that NOONE could ever be the pal she has been.....i told her that i didn't know whether or not i told her but that i was GRATEFUL for her being in my life, as MY best friend, and through think and thin, we have ALWAYS stuck together....we walked down memory lane together the shit we went through, the funny stuff and teh sad stuff
i told her i was in the blues cuz its almost certain i am losing my job, a job i loved very much, a boss i got real close to, FUN people to be around....i was free to come and go as long as i ddi my work, and i feel that the chances are like 90% that i will be staying goodbye to an institution that i loved....i will never find such a wonderful/ loving/ casual place to work again, and i am grieving over it......
it is 20 miles away from me so of course i probably won't be in that neighborhood anymore and i'll miss the people i went to get my hair cut...the shops i shopped in.......thinking of all the fun it has been being there, laughing with the folks around me, and unless a miracle happens, it is gone....so at 60 i will be starting all over AGAIN
i told my best friend, i just don't know how many times i am gonna want to "get slapped down and get back up---sometimes i just want to lay down and STAY"......
she suggested i call her Ex tenent who is on social security and either she or another older person may be looking for a room to rent.....so i am thinking, "maybe i will just rent out that spare bedroom and maybe i'll find a friend AND financial help"
i told "rox" that she could share with me when she comes to visit....hell i dont' get anyone commin over much, just family and my best friend.....i gave up thinking there is a guy in the horizon, so i am thinking "ok, with job loss almost a certainty, how can i bring some $$$ into my house to help me" and i think the room thing is a good idea......i am super duper careful and i figure a seniour would be safer anyway, i'll just intervew them, check them out, and be careful......IF it is what i am supposed to do.....
i read somewhere that "prayer is not going to get the chicken hawk her chicken" i am going to have to go out and FLY and HUNT and do what i can do, to help me and than leave the rest to the universe, but i know i have to do the work........work my options....
reading ur posts i have been reflecting a lot too...listening to my "library" of music on my computer, remembering when things weren't so damned hard..oh they were, i was just too "under the influence" to give a darn
even tho i was screwed up and drinking and using, it seemed like i laughed more...like i didn't care so much, and i know i was numbing out and not dealing with my stored YEARS of pain...sometimes i am tempted to just say to hell with it and go back to it....at least i didn't have to feel this god awful pain....27 months of recovery and its been sheer hell......
now in recovery, i am in pain, doing this step 4 work, inner child pain work...family of origin work, ALL pain...90% PAIN , and i am hoping that one day i'll have gone through ALL my traumas, felt the feelings, dispensed with them and MAYBE find some joy....
i can say now that i realize that not ALL my memories of the past were bad....i can remember FUN times with my sister, my cousins, my boyfriends who were NICE ones.....and i had lots of good friends to hang out with, ride horses with, fish with, and when we were older, we partied.....had some good times.....it seemed back then i was more "social" more "fun loving" sure, a lot of it was from drinking, but i can remember when i was sober and being more "social" than all the ptsd crap really began to get bad, the old emotions began to "deal with me" cuz i wasn't dealing with them, i got depressed, tried yet MORE suicides and i am in recovery, cuz i knew i was SERIOUSLY ill.......like it was my emotions telling me...."ok NOW its DEAL time".....and i crashed, and STAYED depressed and hopless, i think breaking up with my Ex was the trigger, that was in may 2000 the catalyst for it all.....like he and i split...my beloved cousin moved away 2 months later, july 2000, and here i am ALONE.....FORCED to deal with me..........NO more runnin....it was "pay the fiddler" time as to my emotions, anger, rage, grief.....like a pustule that finally erupted"!!!! it was "clean up" time....
i put up boundaries that were impenetrable.....i was telling my best friend...that i either let someone in TOO much, or shut them down completely.......so how about a "time out" for someone i want to keep, but just need a break from....depending on what they did to me, i mean if they were just a "nuisence" or just too "needy" maybe i should call a "time out" instead of cutting them off and walking away......i am doing that now....
i have this gal who writes me about her "stuff"...we go back a ways and i got worn out from it yet didn't cut her off, but said "wow, i am dealing with a lot of my own s*** now and need to ease off till the dust settles"....i took care of me...set limits....i did NOT cut her off, but just set boundaries....i was proud of me.....she was great about it and so we write and she accepts my limitations and we share our stuff and all is ok.....
i am trying to focus on the REAL relationships that i have....the CLOSE family...the CLOSE friends, not the shallow "here today--gone tomorow" ones....those i am letting go....no time for the shallow ones.....i did that becuz i want to spend MORE time on the "keepers" the ones who *look* like they are in my life for the long haul.......
i was wearing myself out on these NOT proven relationships and letting the REAL ones, take a back seat.....this past couple of weeks i have made amends to them...explaining to them i accept what i did...own it....and i was just getting "carried away" with my internet, recovery "friends" with whom i could share my "stuff" with...spending way too much time with them (folks i dont' even know what they LOOK like) and not my loved ones.... and i got the most wonderful responses......they basically said "hey take ur stuff to US...cuz we are HERE for U, thick and thin, so take ur stuff to us"........my sisters, my best friend....my pals that i have been friends with for a TIME.......so nice results for my amends......
i use my cell phone now for calling the ones i SHOULD be paying attention to.....i cleaned up my cell, and erased a ton of numbers of people who are just NOT in my life substantially and with my energy being sucked up with this step 4 work, i only have enuf in the tank for my REAL ones......and i am , yes, establishing myself, my needs/ wants, and even tho i am in a world of hurt working this step 4 crap, i was told that its making me a better sister, friend, etc.....
lately, i have been thinking of my Ex, missing the good.....missing the hand holding, the hugs, the laughter, and he always allowed me to vent or scream , wahtever i needed to do......i don't know if i'll ever have anyone again, so i am thinking of the "room mate" thing as an alternate....someone to talk with, have dinner with, watch tv with.......its a thought.....sometimes i think my higher power is asleep at times....i have been stating my needs and wants, and than letting them go cuz i cannot do anything about them, so maybe , looking for a room mate is a start--- doing SOMETHING to change this karma of mine that has been so lousey lately....i have NO family here...my best friend is in las vegas, family on BOTH coasts and i am in east b.f. texas... and i a SICK to death of being alone, by myself....
i will be careful with this "investigation" on the house share, and if it doesn't work out??? hey at least i looked into it....
i am scared of people...scared of being betrayed , so i will be VERY careful and listen to my inner voice about it...... check it out and see what happens....but i know i can trust me and my inner voice much more now....
maybe it will help me join the human race!! who knows
and wow, i am rambling.......but these posts have aroused feelings i wanted to share... made me think too, not 100% of my past was terrible.....i focused so much on the perp / anger/ rage/ grief, i let it overshadow what ever good managed to reach me.....every now and then, satan would be caught napping and some good would come my way.....the old friends......SOME good men.....my mustang ponies.....my dogs......being out in the woods, just being a part of the nature/earth.....NO evil around....just nature at its best...me and my pony and my bow and arrows......i can smell the lilac bushes....
the blue berries my brother and i used to pick for pies...when mom was sober she would make the BEST pies......one time she made about 4 beauties...i was drooling for desert after dinner.....she cooled them on the ledge outside of the kitchen window..u could smell them all over the place...makes my mouth water just remembering........i checked up on them and they were GONE!!!! i looked around and there was my black and white pony standing there with blue stain all OVER her muzzle and tongue.....mom laughed!!! i was thinking "horse steaks".......
thanks for letting me "run off with my mouth"....just wanted to share some feelings....i dont' know what any of u can get out of this post, but i felt like a release of sorts for me............hugs/ rosie
Just wanted you to know I did your post in it's entirety..lol
Whenever there is a drastic change in my life, ie: your job loss and possible room renter, I assume there is a new path HP wants me to take. It's not always easy but I try to run with it since it has been put before me.
Change is never easy. If you do happen to lose your job the reason may not be revealed for a long time but I've found eventually, (most of the time) I understand.
Usually when I look back I have "aha moments" years later and sometimes I get it right away.
I don't believe that all circumstances are created/allowed by HP. We were given free will, thus explaining the horrific things that happen. However, I do believe that when we allow our HP in to our lives and are open to, and live by the "karmic rules" in a loving way.....a whole new world of wonder and realization is opened.
I would love to give Alanon the credit for my "awakening", but it was my cousin who opened my eyes. Her ways are very much Native American, which is really funny because our ancestors are Amish....lol.
I always knew what karma was, but she taught me so much more. I observed for a long time... I couldn't help but see the miracles in her life. This, after her A husband commited suicide ( she was 38) and left her with 3 children. She did not waver and her miracles continue, as do mine since I have learned a different way of seeing my life's path.
She taught me if I consistantly look for the good in situations, people and circumstance, I will find/see only the good. I now expect things to turn out for the better. I know that even if it doesn't turn out as I would have it, the life lesson received is much better then what I had Imagined.
So....anyway I guess what I'm saying is Expect everything to turn out well, and it will :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
