The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight, a woman came to my house and presented me with a lawyer's card. A group of people leasing homes from our landlord are meeting tomorrow to fight a new lease that discriminates against anyone with children and under the age of 55. My name is not on the lease, so I made a decision...a CHOICE to call my AH and ask him what he thought we should do. He did not answer his cell, so I left a message. On this message, I told him that I had a decision to make whether to go to this meeting or not, and stir up trouble for my family. I wanted his input. I hung up the phone, and felt immediate anxiety about him calling me back.
I stopped, and had a discussion with my inner self....i told myself to not have expectations...to expect him to not call...That way, if he didn't, my expectations would be met...if he did, it was a bonus.
I put the cordless back on the phone jack and listened to music. I put myself at peace...and it was MIRACULOUS! I listened to music, relaxed, and put it out of my mind.....
He called back.... My son answered the phone, and my heart did not race to hear his voice. I did not manipulate the situation with emotions, since I have not heard from him in over a week. I just went into the conversation and was all business....
He told me that he wanted me to know he was not ignoring me..."When people ask what is going on, I do not badmouth you, but I say right now, we can't be together." He told me that he is on "a spiral straight to hell, and nobody can help him but him....." All i said, was "I understand...and that I too realize that I need to help me right now...and that this seperation is GOOD....IT IS GOOD....I was going crazy, and I need to get back to me."
THIS IS HUGE....when he said that he was on a spiral, I didn't think anything other than I can relate, my own spiral was gaining speed. I don't feel pity for him, but hope for me. His recovery was not my concern. I just told him that I love him..and right now, that is enough for me.
I KNOW WHAT SERENITY FEELS LIKE TONIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME......NOW....What a miracle....
No expectations, no control, no turmoil.....just me feeling my feelings, being strong in my determination to be better for my kids....just me.............and a faith that I know I will be okay.
He said he would be going to that meeting, which i do not hold any expectations for either...and then will come over to the house to "bullshit" with me...
Thank you ALL, my family,...for your support...all of you...I know I am a baby in the program, but it just goes to show you that working one or two concepts of the program can be the difference between weakness and empowerment.
Jen thanks for sharing, I really needed to hear that today. I often forget that lowering my expectations of my A and others and relying on myself for the things I need gives me much more peace. Take care.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
to call my AH and ask him what he thought we should do. He did not answer his cell, so I left a message. On this message, I told him that I had a decision to make whether to go to this meeting or not, and stir up trouble for my family. I wanted his input. I hung up the phone, and felt immediate anxiety about him calling me back.