The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok so I am not suppose to express anger when he drinks..Stay calm I am told...focus on myself...but I am angry...yes it is a disease...he doesn't see the problem...if not anger then what acceptance? indifference? concern?....act like nothing is wrong...but there is something wrong...detach till the pain subsides? pretend we are one big happy family? ... how does that help him see a problem? I think I am starting to hate him... still so much to learn....will go to a meeting tonight...but if anyone has any thoughts.........thanks ...this board has become my lifeline
The tools of Alanon aren't to help him at all, they are for YOU. We cannot control them, their feelings or make them see anything.
Try to refocus, not upon him, but your happiness. What would it take to make you less angry? Maybe lunch with a friend? Walk in the park? Even just leaving the room can help.
I know it sounds rediculous at first. It did to me too. Why jump through hoops to busy myself? ...The alcoholic is still there, same crap, different day.
What eventually happens is you begin to discover yourself while you're off doing what you like to do. You can try new things, things that you know you enjoy....If you aren't at home despising him, things have to change.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. He's not going to until he wants to, so it's up to us to quit depending on them for our happiness and find it within. It's work, but doable as we work the 12 steps. :)
Keep cming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Good message. Thank you! Seriously!!! I'm always having to work on this.
You can express anger, just don't mislead yourself into thinking it will make the situation better. What are the consequences when you do express anger, generally or specifically?
Ask you self (while you're not angry) what are your intentions when you get angry? Is it because you're frustrated with the harm being done or is it because you're frustrated with how the situation makes you feel helpless and uncomfortable (over and over and over)? I don't know if one is the right, but just becoming sensitive to yourself in these situations gives you some of the control we seem to lose.
Whenever I show anger it makes it easier to show it the next time, like practicing anything. Anger is kind of a "late stage" reaction after a sequence of things goes wrong. And it mostly represents how my insides are getting burned up by not being able to relate to the situation (i.e., no control). My A has her own anger and confusion and I don't ever get a positive result giving her some of mine.
But YOU JUST FEEL LIKE SCREAMING or worse! I know. When you feel angry, that's just how I feel when I'm angry. That's just how everyone at your meeting tonight feels when they feel angry. There's some comfort, some refuge, in knowing that.
Quit depending on them for our happiness. These words are very helpful but make me so sad too. When things are good there is no one I'd rather be with...more and more I can't depend on him...I have been replaced by his need to drink...I mourn for what I used to have.
I will try to identify my source of anger within myself...right now I am angry for what he is throwing away.
SOOOOO I will play some music...read ....and take it one day hour minute at a time.
Do you ever wonder why we were attracted to the A in the first place...blind with love or not thinking enough of ourselves to want more from a person. Before we married (32 years ago) my husband actually told me he didn't think he could love me enough...he knew then
Ps He is away with his buddies on a planned vacation(he is retired ..I'm not) and I haven't heard from himin a day and a half...too busy I guess thanks for listening
Anger - a great and wonderful topic - prior to recovery "anger" was my lifeline. As long as I was angry, I didn't have to deal with any other my other feelings, Anger can be helpful, if not dwelt on too long.
Once I got tired of being angry (HALT) and all those other emotions, then was I finally ready for Al-Anon. For that I am eternally greatful. Once I started working on me, I learned most of my anger was based on fear . . .
fear of people realizing I was the crazy person, who was in love with an Alcoholic/Addict,
fear of being alone the rest of my life,
fear of no financial stability,
fear of fear it's self.
My sponsor reminds me often to take care of myself, rest when I need, eat when I need to, and try to make face to face meetings, even open AA meetings helped.
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
