feeling like I'm failing - Al-Anon Family Group

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

feeling like I'm failing

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

Kitty - you gotta pick yourself up and dust yourself off girl. As I tell my kids, don't start that "life isn't fair party" with me around. I'll give you a whole damn speach on life not being fair and not about myself either.

I have a dear friend that has been on a ventilator since the 70's, he lies in his same bedroom room everyday, day in and day out, can't even turn his own head anymore. He counts on his elderly mother for everything!!! And that house has such positive energy!!! When I feel sorry for myself I go over there and say, man I got it made! I can come and go as I please, he and his Mom are both trapped there. I can scratch my own itch. I can speak clearly whenever I want, I don't have to wait for the machine to cycle to speak. He lost his brother to the same terrible disease and his sister carried the gene, so had her tubes tied as not to pass it on any more. He and his Mom never ask, why me?

Then there is my Dad, his mother died at 42, his Dad seperated the 5 kids, gave them away, didn't even keep him and his twin together. He had 3 kids, oldest daughter dies at 12 of leukemia, son born with neuro-tubal defect, spina-bifida, lost his best friend to leukemia, then his father to leukemia. His healthy daughter has a stroke at 31. Now this mam has faith that never waivers. He never questions, why me?

Is being alone the only measure of your happiness and completeness? We can't have relatioinships with anyone, until we are comfortable with who we are, and accept ourselves the way we are. Doing anything else gets us into to trouble and finds us unhealthy relationtionships. Gotta be comfortable in our own skin first.

Ok, you had your pitty-party and I had my rant. I mean no ill will, just want you to be positive and get up and get going be you and liking you. It could be worse was my point.

Josey

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

sorry it won't post the whole thing, it was really nice and applied well to how I think you feel

-- Edited by jrtjosey at 23:36, 2006-05-16

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"so many do so much more w/ so much less, yet they find the strength to persevere & even move to greatness." -KL

yep, Josey, I said it... I KNOW it is all on me to pull myself up. Trying to get some pain off of my chest & vent... I already am the best at beating myself up.

I thought my words were pretty clear & honestly didn't expect anyone to bother to respond, other than maybe 'I've felt that way too.'

I already have a ton of guilt, as my therapist said "You have 300 tons to rid yourself of, it takes practise & won't happen overnight."

Kind of makes me feel like I told my mother a secret or something... she would just yell at me or throw it in my face. I'm just trying to express how I feel & it isn't easy to admit.

Now I just wish I could erase the post all together.

So why express any pain on the Board at all? Everything is FINE, ugh

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Kitty))))

I am sorry you are hurting, but I am glad you have a place to write it up and hopefully let it go. It has helped me so much, as have you and all the others supporting me along the way.

I don't think you should delete any posts. This is a place we go to when we hurt, and hopefully this will be the place you can share when you are feeling wonderful again so others will see how far you have come and be inspired.

I see a lot of that here. I see a lot of that in you. Don't know if any of us will ever go "whew, glad that's over..." Just keep trying and keep growing and things get better. That's what someone keeps telling me. I think she's right... keeps me going.

Hang in there...

Take care of you!

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks (((((((((((((( R )))))))))))))))))))

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

(((kitty))))

I'm sure josey meant no ill will. Not her style. It was to make us see how lucky we are, how grateful we should be for what we have...
To focus on the good, because when we put that out, that's what comes back to us.

Take care ((kitty))
Christy

doxie · Senior Member

((((((((((((kitty))))))))))))

I think you are wonderful and I miss you in chat.

Hang in there and look up.

Hugs to you.

Doxie

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everybody & I apologize Josie, I would never want to hurt anyone else; I draw the line w/ myself. I'm "the good little martyr."

I've stayed off of the Board b/c I was being spied on... perhaps I ought to remain off of here, like I had been.

-K

-- Edited by kitty at 01:36, 2006-05-17

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Kitty , only a failure if you quit trying is what I was told, and so far u havn't quit keep on going ,you will be okay. Lean on the God you have chosen to get u thru this and it will become much easier . I believe if He brings it to you , He will walk u thru it. Louise

d53sjurne · Senior Member

Kitty

I am so glad you posted about your real feelings. They are real, and valid. I thought you were writing about me. Seems alot of well-meaning people truly believe that comparisons can help us feel better. For me , it made me feel guiltier for even trying to express myself at all. Like, see, I knew "I" wasn't important, that others with tougher problems were, and "I" shouldn't even speak of mine. "I" should think of them, not me. On my path to recovery, I found where it says that comparisons are discounting and hurtful and rejecting of where we are. Almost to say, throw me away cause others problems are more important and mine don't count and are unworthy to be spoken. "I" feel where you are. You are "not alone" to go thru these kind of feelings. Its a part of recovery to go thru this part and there is the other side to get to. I notice where you say other people have so "much more". If I may put in a suggestion that I tryed and helped me some. I replaced the word 'more' with 'different'. I had a different path of life than them. I didn't want a different path, yet I had it anyway.

((((((((((((((((((((((rosie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

And if you didn't love yourself as I think you do, the struggle to survive and go thru what is needed to get to the other side of the heavy feelings may not be there. I wanted out of the tons of similar feelings. Being an empath makes it soooooo much harder to have our own boundaries. I had messages that everyone else came 1st, and I had to take care of them 1st. And I never got a turn. I still haven't. I was never allowed to acknowledge sickness or illness of any kind, I was supposed to keep up the work at all costs, even my own. The messages that "I" didn't matter were horrific.

With the kinds of things I went thru starting at a very young age. I found out children having to develope such young extreme survival skills develope and open areas of perceptions that alot of people never arrive at on a conscious level as an adult with supervised guidence. And to have to at a young age with no guidence is a horrific task to do. You have strength unimaginable, rosie, and I know you can do it. I see it. I didn't think I would. I have alot of times now that its lighter. And is in no way easy to get there. You can. Please don't let anything stand in the way. I know others misunderstandings can hurt. You don't have to let that be in the way and stop you from recovery. I had to remember that my reality was MY REALITY and didn't have to measure to others to be real. I had different hurdles to make than some others. I am still alone too. I took care of most of my family and now no one to help me. Its a hard road that way. I prayed alot to meet others on a similar jurne. I didn't used to believe they were out there. And rosie, guess what, they are. Alot of them are in hiding. I used to identify with the Hunchback of Notredame and Tarzan of Greystokes, however its spelled, among others. I had to let all that go on some levels. Not easy.

Just the other night I was having flashbacks of the movie The Titanic and uncontrollable crying to boot. I've been stranded here for 9 mths now with no one helping me. No public transit. My apt is like the Titanic, going down and no one assisting to get me out of here to a place I can afford yet. The media sez the hurricane evacuees have all this help, right. They come sign me up and say they are going to work on my case and then I'm forgotten, abandoned, even blamed and endless excuses for not helping me, the disabled, get to an apt I can afford to be in before I'm cut off all together from assistance and on the street again. Why me I ask. I'm supposed to be a valuable person. I have a heavy load again in life I'm not sure if I'll make on my own. They expect you to have family to help. Assumptions ! They hurt people and don't even realize how. Or that friends will. Mine are spread out all over the country and can't. No car keeps me from life itself. I've even been told don't say you are a katrina , you'll get shot. Isn't that sweet. I'm tired and frustrated with the fight myself. I haven't given up yet like it seems they want me too. I hope you hang in there ((((((rosie)))))))

Rainbows, Butterflies, Blessings, Hugs

Take what you like and leave the rest. Oh, my 4 kitties follow me everywhere I go. If I go out the door they jump in the window and call for me to come back and not leave them. They love me so much and I don't know what I'd do without them and their love to me.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

you have a right to your feelings. no matter what they are. martyrs keep it to themselves or only talk about it when they know they will get what they want from sharing. i think you were sharing honestly and you are looking to help yourself. you did not sound whiney you sound like a person who is in pain.i know when i am in pain comming here has helped so much. just keep releasing your pain and confusion. you are a worthy person. and i have felt that feeling of utter hopelessness. the thought of "why bother?why go on?" and that is when i gave it up. i had to get to those places before i could surrender. i had to surrender to this disease and let god do it. it took me to my absolute lowest place before i could really believe and trust. this too shall pass.... love and peace

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

((())hugs Kitty your feelings are very valid to you and we value that you want to share them with us. Tomorrow start your day with a positive note I CHOOSE TO HAVE A GREAT DAY. Don't let anything or anyone spoil it for you. Luv Leo xxx

just me · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((Kitty)))))))))

I am so glad you posted your feelings. As always I have been feeling very similiar to you. I just did not have the courage to write about it here. Being a woman and a ACOA I too need to vent and get it off my chest in order to move into a place where I can be more appreciative of the simple things in life. I for one so do look forward to your posts. I have also been avoiding the board and the chatroom. Because I have no active A in my life I find the focus totally on myself and my issues seem trivial in comparison to those in dire straits here. Please keep up with your communication on the board. I so understand what you are saying. I just joined a gym so that I can regain some of my strength. I too am my biggest critic. You know the ACOAs have their own message board too. I have been reading there also.

Yours in recovery,

Julia

QOD · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok - so here is my little 2 cents worth:

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT! Find the things that make you happy and make you grateful and worship them. It will help you through those tough times. For me those things are my 2 kids and my dogs. When I am down, I think about them, look at their pics and when they are around I hug them for dear life. They make all the torment life throws at me seem not quite so bad.

Take care of you and try not to get too frustrated.

QOD

-- Edited by QOD at 15:41, 2006-05-17

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

kitty,

If I dont find something to focus on , other than myself.. like my lack of this or lack of that not having enought patience or too many wrinkles... haha. Really I do this. And when I do... I will get sick.

Truth is, I have to work. I have to be productive, if only in a small way I have to contribute. Plant a new garden. pull up those ugly weeds... stay up late with a friend. I have to be a apart to something (out~going) that is positive. Reading can be a good thing lol. I meant that I have to prepare and have something to do with my hands. I need satisfaction. I am human. I , ((ME))...can not sit around and let myself think all the time. Especially if I'm just wanting to pick on myself. It makes me nuts. It drives me to depression and isolation.

I love to feel hopeful. I want and love to feel inner love flow through me. And flow through me to others too.

You do that.. when you share.. I feel that..... a flow of love coming through..... a lesson learned that is meant just for me. I think it matters if we can help each other. You are a wonderful person. So caring and help so many. I see it. I get "my message" from my HP, through You... through the other wonderful people of Alanon. ** but its true ** LOL.

I pray that your not doing what I do if I begin to get down. I isolate and cut myself off from those that love and and care about me. I beat myself up- for no reason really. The weather, the world, the outside the inside.. when it is so much more important to do the opposite so it will go ahead and pass. With Alanon and all the support I receive... nowadays I "snap out of it" quicker.

I grab the slogans and say them over and over... the UPPPPP ONES!! I repeat the serenity prayer out loud and emphasize the words....." the things I can...," I'll talk to my sponsor about the steps and the program more in depth ... locating what would be better for me to focus on. Really "Focus" on. Then~ I get Busy. even if I dont feel to want to at that moment. And everytime..... every time... I'm glad I did. I DO get past it. I DO get beyond it. Happens because I make myself get busy with other things. I make myself reach for and be apart of the Positive.

Positive stuff like... smiling, and meditation breathing and alanon meetings, reading and writing and sharing the little things I have to offer of myself with others. I care about you. love ya lots. I do--- love and care about you! You've a friend here. One that misses your presense. You were and always are an inspiriation to me when I need. You have a wonderful mind and its very spiritual and robust. I have always enjoyed your es&h and I miss being able to see you in chat. I miss your shares at the online meetins too! "SNAP OUT OF IT!" Get back in the circle. Your circle. And the Alanon circle.

Please get to a meeting, get on the phone, talk to your friends and those that you know care about ya. It's nearer to Summer. time to make some plans to get outside. Focus on a project. Paint the garage, write a book, invent a new coffee flavor, laugh and listen to music and enjoy your life. your precious and have a precious life to live. I know.. I do too!

I need ya too (((KITTY))) now I to know your all right and that your keeping your Spirit uP! & not just on the inside ~ but let it flow through ya, thats healthy. Share it. Feel it set you free.

HP/God can do it. You can do it. Just set your mind to it and stay focused on your recovery. On You. Doing things for you that make ya feel good.

WORK IT WORK IT WORK IT!!!!!! why? Because YOU ARE WORTH IT!

((((((((((((((((((Big KITTY HuG)))))))))))

justme · Member

Josey,

I thank you for your reply. I am very blessed in many ways and your post brought me back to looking at what I have been given and not what I dont have.

I seem to focus on the negative when my A and I are fighting and the positive only when my A and I are on good terms. Unfortunately, we are on good terms very rarely so I am negative most of the time.

How can one person have such control over so many other lives? I guess we give him the power to decide the mood of our household. We give him the power to control our happiness or our pain.

I am working on taking my power back. Looking at all the blessings and not at all I have lost being with him helps. I just have to remind myself to do this.

It is not easy nor is it automatic.

thanks again

justme

drucilla06 · Senior Member

(((((((kitty of light))))))))))

I was glad to see you posting again,but sorry you are in a slump.(I guess that would be an understatement) I can relate to part of your post.I occasionally get these periods of depression, not so much anymore,but I would always wonder what gets other people out of bed in the morning.I know we have jobs and have to pay the bills,but does everyone wake up dragging themselves out of bed full of dread about their day?I don't think so.I get to work and there are the same people who got there early,who are morning people,bubbly and happy.What do they have that I didn't get?

You were a great help to me when I first came here and was ready to give up.You said "fight for yourself,you are worth it!".That stuck with me.I have never fought for myself before.But you are right,I am worth it.So are you.I know the fight gets wearisome.But the fight is part of the growth,don't you think?Maybe this thing you are going through is necessary,there is something for you to learn.

One thing I like about this board is that it is like having a journal.I haven't been coming here that long but already I go back and read some of my posts and I can see the change in me.Maybe that is one way you can help yourself.By reading your own words.

You have helped many people here just sharing your own experience.You are an important part of this group.I hope you keep coming back.

Love and hugs d

mac57 · Veteran Member

The Beloved said, "the kingdom of God is within you"

Thats a nice place to start looking. If we can just remember who we really are, children of the creator of the world. Expressions of the source of ALL. You give so much to others, so much compassion, wisdom, experience, love, and have such limited perceptions of yourself? You have love, you are such a loving person, we all get caught up in our limited perceptions of ourselves. We've been hurt, don't need an A in your face or an abuser in the house to still feel the aftershocks. Look past the veil of appearances, sweet wise kitty...

Faith is the feeling that all is well, despite the appearance that things are not well, says my holy friend. That requires some focused concentration. Mind, body, emotions, spirit, all need to participate. I don't have the answers, just the outlines from suggestions given to me, many by you when I came here crying and alone. I haven't forgotten your kindness and guidance, and I care very much how you are doing. We all do, your roomies...

If we are looking for love, we have forgotten we ARE love, says your Swami.

plenty of water, meditate, read uplifting materials morning and night, and turn to the Beloved.

love, mac

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.