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in working the steps, i saw an entry in this workbook i am doing on step 3......i am paraphrasing below, what it said and it was a LIGHTBULB moment for me...
WORKBOOK___________me- versus-them" thinking and how it keeps me immobilized. even in the way I relate to my Higher Power, particularly regarding the issue of my will versus Its will. I tend to interpret the Third and Eleventh Steps in terms of a struggle because I gave up a great deal of myself to survive alcoholism and the abuse and incest and all....i LOST ME...and it was FORCED upon me (the loss of me).....i lost myself in relationships.....Now I'm working hard to find out who I really am, and I don't particularly relish the idea of giving up my will. It helps me to think instead of *aligning* my will with that of my Higher Power. . Developing a healthy relationship with my Higher Power is about TEAMWORK, with an emphasis on my deference to Its will.
ME______________it was "me vs the world" for a long time....i equated life with my perp....BOTH were out to destroy me....now i see that life/ god/ et al had nothing to do with his evil choices.......now i am choosing to cooperate with life....if i can't run/ fight/ i flow.....pray to accept what i cannot change and let go........pray to be strong enuf to change what i can and let go the outcome......yeah, and the "my will vs its will" i can relate.......i DO want to change and grow, i aam willing to give up the stubborness...the fighting/resisting/ and even attacking the karma......
ME_____wow, the thrird and eleventh steps yeah, triggered me....cuz i gave up a great deal of ME to survive the abuse......i am NOT gong to lose me again.....i lost me once and thus ended up sick/ suicidal/ self defeating.....and i am too, working hard to find out WHO i areally am.....and i dont' relish the idea of giving up ANYthing......but i CAN deal with i CAN accept ***aligning*** my will with that of my higher self.......i dont have to lose me again.......TEAMWORK.....YES< i can relate to this.....oh yeah, thank U for this share....TEAMWORK.....ALIGNMENT......ME having a part in it too....and NOT losing me.......and yes, YIELDING to its will....the part where (going with the flow---detachemnt----letting go the outcome when i am powerless) YES< i can do this......... my will is not bad either......it is just "off track".....and there ARE forces of darkness who are more powerful than i am so it HELPS to have this STRONGER ***partner*** working THROUGH me..........yes, i am going to do this becuz of my problems with the "god thing" and the "surrender" thing.....this works........"HP align my will with thine"......... "HP help me to WANT what U want"...........
ME_________**cooperation** not giving me up.....i had to "give me up" to the perp......i was forced to "give me up" i had to sit passively and accept "his will" (perp's) which killed me, AS HE told me "god will punish U" so many times.....i had to just passivly sit and let myself be shattered cuz i had NO choice or free will in that house and i was TOLD "god approved of this"....can U belive this???? so of COURSE i had and still have problem with the "god thing".....i call it he/she/it...but mostly the source---NO gender---NO "father" thing.....it makes my stomache turn to think i have to submit to something ELSE!!! but i KNOW there is something greater than i and it MUST have my best interest at heart, thus my entry into recovery.....but it is pushing it into my heart that is so hard....so i have to "work around" it so i can be OPEN...WILLING...which i really really am...............THIS works for me............. for all us people with problem with the "god thing" but we KNOW there is SOMETHING greater than us, this works for me............i feel like i can **retain** me and cooperate......yep, this i can relate to......................rosie
wonderful post rosie.. It's interesting and insightful to see how you work through things. I too am not inclined to the "Father" thing (to each his own). Not for the same reasons, but a similar way of spirituality. One loving energy, one source...in alignment.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You've said it all so eloquently !!!! Exactly, almost to the tee, as how I would say it for myself. I SOOOOOOOOO relate !!!! I too stuggle with the same as you have expressed here. How I wish others could understand how this affects us and is different than some peoples experience and stands so much in the way of understanding each other. Like a whole different path to ultimately the same ending point. I would like to know the name of the workbook you are using that puts words in this manner to assist working the steps ?And is there a way to get one without big costs when on disasbility?
I am soooo glad you posted this one.
(((((r l s ))))) ty,ty,ty
Mucho Blessings
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 12:34, 2006-05-16
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
well really it wasn't just ONE workbook, but tidbits from here and there and last night i am on this ONE book, that was way to scriptural for me and the "others" kinda hit me, "so THIS is why i have this 'icky' feeling about the surrender thing"
so it was really a bit of this and a pinch of that, and all of a sudden i "got it" doing this OTHER book , that was turning me OFF....LOL.......isn't that funny how we get our messages????? hugs/ rosie
Wonderful post Rosie... very thought provoking. So many people around me have trouble with the "god thing". I just keep saying look my HP is taking care of things in my life and the people in my life whether they believe or not. I don't shove this on them, I ask HP to show them the way. There is power in healing, but someone has to believe in HP not man. Man will always let us down. I agree its hard to submit to another after feeling forced to submit to someone who hurt you. I think that is a big part of why I have trouble submitting myself. Feeling powerless during my childhood I must have told myself when I was on my own I would live my life they way I want, do what I want and life would just fall in line for me. Man was I wrong. I have gotten what I want when I really perservered, but it took hard hard work. Working hard gave me this feeling of satisfaction with myself but also took me away from being accepting and patient of others. That's something i am working on now.
Thanks for the post, it really made me think about my relationship with my HP and has it been my will or HP will.
Blessings,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Yes,Yes, rosie light shines, 
