The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I pose this question, as so many times, so many of us alanoners beat ourselves up for reacting to an A's actions. I know time after time, after the fact, I would sit and cry and wonder why I said and did the things I did. After years of being told I was crazy I started to beleive that I was, because of my actions and reactions. I would yell, scream, do the silent treatment, toss clothes out on the lawn, make snide remarks, thinking this time he would stop. I had such a low opinion of myself and no I didnt like myself at all during those days. Finding alanon showed me that my reactions and actions were not unique, that many of us who are in desperation to get our loved one to stop drinking did similar things, only to make matters worse all around. Learning to accept that we are only human, and we do make mistakes, and learn to like ourselves is a difficult task for me anyway. I have always somehow felt responsible for my A's drinking, or at fault for his drinking etc etc etc etc. However going to alanon meetings regularly keeps my focus on me, and only do the best I can with what I have, and be the best I can for me and no body else.
The key is in Step ten, where we promtly admit our defects of character, and make ammends. And continue each day to keep out side of the street clean. We are all human and are going to screw up, but the guilt doesn't last near as long with Step 10.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Oh yeah... I can definitely relate to this one....
For me, I think I tried to hold myself to a higher standard than perhaps I held others to.... I "expected" me to be strong, to know what to do, etc., and in reflection now, I think it was just another example of what most of us struggle with in Al-Anon. It is typically quite easy to see and accept how "sick" our A's are, but we take a lot longer to see and accept how "sick" we are... I remember, after going through my week long program at one of the treatment centers that my A wife attended, and we had to write out a program plan of recovery for ourselves.... One of the items listed was to find a sponsor, and I had real difficulty with that - I asked the leader "why do I need a sponsor, I'm not sick!" lol.....
The slogan that I use, quite often, to remind me to be gentle to myself, is:
"I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time"
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
yes gg. took me years of putting positive self talk in my head and thinking about how a commandment of loving our neighbors as ourselves. Well it must be mighty important we love ourselfs eh?
I said it a hundred times here. I love the "me" the creator gave me. I don't mind making mistakes anymore. Not at all.
Ask for forgiveness and do my best to do better. I do my best to share this with others. I really cringe when I find people who are hard on themselves. The world is tough, alcoholism, drugism is so hard.
We live in paradise here in the USA. Homeless USA people have it better than most the world. I am not into I don't have this or that. dang my pigs have a house, uno?
How can I not love me? I am so blessed, and even if I did not have the material stuff, most from goodwill lol, I still have my personal relationship with my hp. I mean he has given me everything!! NO matter what I have faith.
If he loves me that much, I gotta cuz it shows I appreciate what he gave me.
Mistakes? The only person who was perfect, did not make mistakes. We are meant to make them. We cannot help it. But the key is to think about it, ask for forgiveness and really do better.
love,debilyn who must not be bothered by her mistakes becuz she has made some doozies....
I like myself very much gardengal. Yes, I do. And at the same time I can admit I may not always be right. We all suffer from the same human condition. But when we like and respect ourselves, it is easy to take our shortcomings and mistakes in stride.
Good question. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can relate to this!!! It took me about a year in program to go thru the acceptance process of all the insane things I had done. Once I got thru with that it took me some time to forgive myself and let it go. I went from I had a REASON to act that way (justifying it) to total guilt and beating myself up for what I had become. I remember clearly the days I couldn't stand myself or what I had become. I had a sponsor describe this as "the curse of awareness" -- but it is a good awareness, because without it there would be no change. Having a sponsor is such an important thing. During this time, I was constantly reminded of how I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time -- which were not really tools at all, they were just coping, and barely that. My sponsor wouldn't let me sink myself or go in the mode of "oh, this IS all my fault." (another form of poor/terrible me)
Today, well, I read your post because of the title, lol. You see I was in chat the other night and mention that I had found a WHOLE bottle of "you're so stupid" pills and I took them ALL. That day I had a major relapse of old behavior, lol. I still have, and probably always will have, a problem with forgiving myself for making mistakes. Especially those involving my A. I'm working on it. It is getting easier to forgive myself, let things go and keep going. I agree w/ Jrt, the guilt doesn't last as long.
"Do you like yourself and can you make mistakes without getting angry at yourself, realizing that you are human?" -GG
To answer this succintly, I can easily say, "no."
There are some days or times that I DO like who I am but a great deal of my life, I haven't liked myself, what I was doing ~ not that I knew what I did want....
As far as getting frustrated with myself, this happens a lot, there are times, I can just LOL at myself but when I'm feeling the weight of the world, thinking (or obsessing) about what I "should" do or not do, within the family or in society. I am constantly frustrated & confused.
The ONLY thing that helps IS knowing that I'm human & forgiving myself for it... over & over & over again.
love, -Kitty Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hello, gardengal, What a good topic. Learning to forgive myself has been one of the hardest things for me in working the 12 steps. Sometimes even when I was "trying on" new behaviors, I wouldn't give myself a break. I'd speak up for myself and then spend the next night obsessing! Now I am learning to accept myself as I am, but sometimes I still can't do that. I like your thought about how you thought you were responsible for the A's behavior. Probably I can't forgive myself sometimes because I think I am the one who is responsible for whatever happens. That is something I've really learned in the program. Blessings, mebjk
To answer this succintly, I can easily say, "no."