(((Hello Alanon Buddies)))

I hope all you mom's had a great day yesterday with lots of appreciation, gratitude and love heaped on you.  My day yesterday went fine up until a certain point.  My Saturday with my mom and sis-in-law was much better.  My mom made me a scrapbook off my baby pictures all the way to High School.  She worked months on it and it turned out beautiful.  It was something special and I felt so loved and appreciated by her.  I am lucky to have a great mom who has always been there for me.  I strive to be that kind of mom for my kids, but often feel like I'm battling uphill.  My self-esteem and insecurities cause me to doubt my parenting, and I often yell too much.  That's just one of the feelings today.

Yesterday I came home from the grocery store and A was on the phone with the woman he dated while we were seperated.  Apparently he ran into one of her friends the night before and she told him he needed to call her because she is really sick and in the hospital.  So he called he says out of concern and compassion.  He told me she had a stroke or somesort last week.  She's 29.  She also let him know that she is dating a really nice man who really loves her and her son.  He's been caring for her.  He said he felt better knowing that she wasn't pining and miserable over the loss of their relationship.  He told her at the end of the conversation to call back and let him know how she's doing.  Said I was a noble person and wouldn't mind.  (Didn't appreciate him speaking for me).

I am a compassionate person, I do feel for her and her health.  The issue for me is security and how insecure this makes me feel. This brought up all the feelings and old wounds for me. Not to mention my A's inability to be calm and understanding in a conversation with me.  When he rages at me and uses intimidation by throwing things across a room and yelling and cussing at me, I feel disrespected, unloved, and unheard.  I asked myself what are you willing to live with, and honestly I cannot live with a person who cannot calmly talk a problem out.  He's doing this to me now what about the kids later in life?

 I've talked him before about his behavior and the words he chooses with me and I have told him how it makes me feel. He's apologized and promised it wouldn't happen again, but it does.  Last night he took me to dinner for Mother's Day, i was having fun but I guess talking too loud for his comfort and said something that he got embarrassed about.  He scolded me at the table like a child.  I don't think people heard, but I was embarrassed by his response.  I became sensitive and couldn't let it go, all these thoughts came rushing to my mind.  "I screw up every good evening", "the other woman wouldn't do this", I started assuming all sorts of things.  End result the dinner was ruined we left angry at one another, the blow up happened when I attempted to "talk" about it before we went to sleep.  There is no talking for him only yelling.  He's either quite and reserved, happy and buzzed, or displeased and angry.  Talking about my feelings will not matter much in this situation.  I can request that he go to counseling to work on it, but I can't force him to go. 

I don't know how to give myself what I need right now.  I feel challenged on every side of my life today.  Thanks for listening I just had to get this out. 

Twinmom~