The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
the last time i posted was regarding my 18 yr old son needing to move in with my a, our 7 yr old son, and i, and talking about how i knew my a would never agree to it. i still havent told my a that my 18 yr old needs to move in with us, and i still know my a isnt going to agree with it. i am still praying my heart out for hp to perform a miracle for my a to agree to it, but we only have two weeks left till my son needs to move in. my 18 yr old son stays here with us most weekends, and every time he does, my a bitches about him being here, eating our food (which he hardly eats anything when he's here, but my a has an issue with buying food even for us!), but just generally bitching about having extra people here. which is why i know he's never going to agree to my son moving in with us. i am posting here tonite to again just ask for prayer support in hp helping this to all work out. this is something that I cant make happen...it's in hp's hands. its too big for me...and i need prayer power. please pray for us...my son is welcome here in my mind...but not in my a's. please pray for hp's will for my son. it seems to me he shouldnt have to worry about being welcome in his mother's home....
Blending families is soo difficult and the whole bouncing back adult children is such a really hot topic now. Good Luck to you, only you know all the details.
Josey
__________________
Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I remember being in this situation in the past a couple of times. Dicey situations to say the least. Since I was blood and she isn't and compassion, love, respect, humility, awareness etc etc., are all apart of this program including responsibility, I took it upon myself to set boundaries and guidelines for those who were going to be living with us. Expectations were set regarding honesty, cooperation, responsibility and all those things with some stated consequences. We don't e n a b l e much anymore as we don't expect or assume that other family members "ought to know" how it is that we want our home to operate. When it came to refereeing the situation I only used the program and what it has taught me over the years with both my spouse and my "temporary" visiting adult children. I love them all and I love my spouse and I love my self also. I asked questions like When are you coming? How long to you need our cooperation, What are your expectations? How are you willing to co-support the household? stuff like that. I set boundaries such as this is our home where we hang out and we have our habits and special things that we practice and use without having to ask for them. You will have to ask for them. "We are temporarily accomodating your need and not supporting you and your family." Things were crazy at times and hard for the visitors and I will not sacrafice what I have learned in recovery for another bout of insanity. My spouse at times suffered thru the ordeal because she wanted me to be more loyal to her whims and emotions. I don't do that. Neither do I treat her or others unjustly, unfairly or dishonestly. This is the way my Higher Power set things up for me and I feel best when I do it according to my HP's will. I use to let others use and take advantage of me. Al-Anon changed all that and I am forever grateful. Be honest with both but don't refree. Ask for respect in your home from whomever is there be it your spouse or your son. Ask for responsibility and cooperation and set boundaries while respecting them. You know how to do it.
Get the fear out in the open with your spouse early (he's also fearful) and ask for his feedback and concerns while mentioning what your opinions and feelings are and ask him for his feedback on boundaries and expectations. If you can all get to a meeting around your table you may be able to negotiate an acceptable condition, something you can all agree to rather than one person controling the outcome. This is not advise but suggestion based upon my own experiences.
It works if your work it and above all...."Abandon yourself to God as you understand God."
thank you all so much for your commitment to pray with me! it means so much. and, yes, jerry had excellent ideas that i will definitetly implement. i already had some ideas on the same line...financial commitments, chores, etc. jerry's post really helped solidify those ideas, so thanks jerry!
i'll keep ya'all posted. thank you so very, very much!
