Aloha Shep!  Answers to your questions are yes, yes, yes and yes and been there done that several times but don't do it now so that the answer to your last question is yes!!  Easy test.

What I found out was that I was never helping but enabling.  There is a difference I was taught.  If they have the time, ability and facility to get their needs met and I step in and take over? that's enabling.  If they lack any one of those things AND they ask me for help after which I consider if I can, am able and am willing to then that is helping.  My alcoholic had to learning to be responsible for herself when I quit the job of it.  She also had to learn to be responsible to herself and eventually found AA for real.  Last time I check?...she was sober and doing fine without me.  My family including my adult children do fine without me even when fine means that they are suffering alot of different pains.  Often times they come and want to talk about it and I pray that it's my HP's voice and will when I speak including my experiences from recovery.  After we speak they will make their own decisions still from their best needs and desires and that's okay because I don't have any expectations of them nor do I checkup on how the situation comes out.  I do know that if you keep doing the same things over and over expecting different results, that's insanity and I pass this on.  If we were mean't to know they will informs us.  I am detached from my two brothers and their families.  They still are practicing the disease and in that practice the phone works only one way and I don't believe they can call out.  I give them the opportunity to make contact.  We have our differences and the gap is wider because I choose to stay in this spiritual program of recovery while they choose to do what they do including drink alcoholicly and bring pressure on our relationships.  I'm okay with it today.  HP takes care of the big stuff.  I take care of surrendering to HP, working the program as best I can and passing on what I learn to those who are willing to listen, take suggestions, change and go on to help others with the same need.  A part of my family hated that I was in recovery and got really upset.  (An honest and threatening reaction.)

Turn your daughter over to recovering alcoholics cause they know best how to do it and after you do that turn yourself over to the spiritual principles of this program, go to lots of meetings and "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God."

You can detatch in so many ways.  I have found that detaching with unconditional love is best for me.  The definition of love that I use today also came from this program and was given to me because my old definition was screwed.   Ready?  "Love is the complete and total acceptance of any other person for exactly who they are."     Your daughter is many things including your daughter and she is an alcoholic.  You get to accept it all and detach.  Turn her over to God as you understand God along with yourself and keep going on with your life not hers.  It is hard at first.  With practice it gets better.  It never get's perfect because we only work for progress so that keep us coming back.  Read Al-Anon literature including the opening statements of the meetings and the promises at the end of the meeting (love them).

Good Luck and Keep coming back. ((((((hugs))))))

My daughter is 23 and in another city.  Honestly, I find it so hard to answer your questions.  I will just state what I do.  I keep in contact with her by phone, we usually talk once or twice a week.  She is working and she has found a place to stay.  Not the best place, in my opinion, but it is close to work and as she doesn't have a car, there are avantages to that.  She was going to counseling for several months, but has also stopped that, she says because she won't take the bus the distance she needs to in order to get to the counselor.  It is very hot whre she is now, over a 100 degrees everyday, however, it is cooler in the morning so.....She was in a bad accident when she first got out where she is, suffered two broken ankles and a skull fracture.  She was staying with her cousin, but as soon as she was able she got out and found her current job and moved out to where she is now.  Progress, in my eyes, has slowed down considerably.  She has asked us for help getting a car, at this point, I won't help with that.  There is public transportation and not having a car is a big inconvience, but not insurmontable. 

What I have found with my daughter is she has to be the one to want something bad enough to do what needs to be done to get it.  She will not do something, even if it is in her best interest, just because I want her to do it.  I have told her I am willing to help, but I have certain expectations.  Apparently, she doesn't want my help all that much because she doesn't meet those expectations, getting back into counseling being the main one.  She also complains about where she is living, but doesn't do much about getting out of the situation.  She makes her own choices.  I am not always sure that she is capable of making the best decisions, what with the injuries from the car accident and I do believe she has done some damage to herself with the drugs she has used in the past.  She would probably benefit from getting on medication, but she has choosen not to.  So I guess that is somewhat of a response to someone else who said basically, if someone has the ability to help themselves, then we should let them do it, I don't always know if she has the ability to help herself and that is what causes me to question my decisions regarding how much I help her.   The problem is, I love her so and I would lay down my life for her, I just have to keep trying to make decisions and offering help when I think it is going to be something that will really help her on her way to being an adult.  I do not want to do things that just enable to her stay dependant on me.  It is very difficult. 

Having said all that, I am glad she is far away, it forces her to do much more on her own.  I do try to encourage her and I try to just listen.  She is my only child and I don't think I can just let go so I am trying to just listen without offering advice unless it is asked for.  I try to set my boundaries regarding what I will help with, but sometimes the boundaries change, I am only human and only trying to do my best in a difficult situation.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your child.