The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been doing a lot of reading this weekend because it is cool and felt like snuggling with the dogs under a blanket.
As most of you know I seperated from my AH 6 weeks ago after 13 months in the program. I came in hell bent on learning how to live with it, and decided I couldn't for my kids sake.
Now alcohol aside, why do marriages fail? Communication, sex and money!
Add an alcoholic and you pretty much have all 3 of those problems automatically.
I am so happy, out of my depression, and very comfortable in my new home. My boys are happy to be living more stress free. So why do I still think about the what if's??
I still want to be a better person, so what if I could have found a way to snap out of my depression while with my A? Could we have saved the marriage. If I were happier, would he have been happier? Is there anything else I could have done? I seemed to have snapped out of my disabilities very quickly when I was forced to do things because he wasn't around. Why couldn't I have done those same things living with him?
I found Generalized Anxiety Disorder, never heard this used at hospitals before.
Unceasing worrying over things, big and small.
Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches and other aches and pains, that do not respond to treatment.
Difficulty relaxing, always very tense.
Easily startled.
Trembling, twitching.
Trouble with concentration and difficulty completing even the most routine tasks.
Always feeling crabby or grouchy.
Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep.
Recurring physical feelings associated with fear, such as high heart rate, feeling out of breath, clammy hands, dry mouth, high blood pressure, trouble swallowing, light-headedness, frequent urination, diarrhea, or nausea.
Uncommon sweating and hot flashes.
Al ot of these things described me, but the one thing I read on it that really hit home I already posted on one time.
Trouble with concentration and difficulty completing even the most routine tasks.
I had let my other house go, it was a mess when we left. It reminded me of a story a friend shared from NA about when she got back from treatment. She couldn'r believe they lived like that and she used shovles and a dumpster. Now mind you, I wasn't quite that bad, but it does go to show that we do get just as ill as the A. I was so numb and paralyzed with being pissed off that I did nothing. It was honestly easier to move than clean.
I had seen a phycologist, she heard alcoholic, said leave. I saw a phychitrist, she heard alcoholic, said leave. But I didn't talk to my famiiy doctor and friend until the end, maybe he would have picked up on it, maybe not. I talked with our minister and he said seperate for now. Did I take the easy road?
What if I could have fixed me first?
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Every time I got ready to leave I thought of all the things that troubled me and why I should turn away from those problems and work on me. Funny thing would happen though, the problems didn't get better and neither did I. Until now.
We are meant to have a mutually beneficial relationship, and if we cannot find a way to nuture that, surely we will be likely to experience the challenges of our own weaknesses. In the throes of the most difficult contrasts in my life, I found one clarifying thought: I would rather be happy, I don't want to suffer. No need to question, to hurt yourself with the "what ifs" sweet Josey. You are bravely taking a journey toward a happier life, and I commend you for that.
((((josey))) I am working on me now, and I have depression too. I think you are very brave for leaving like you did, for your kids. You are a terrific mom.
I used to run those "what if" tapes incessantly. I can say I dont do that so much anymore. Wont say never, but less and less all the time. Don't second quess yourself. Your are doing great NOW! The past is done, let it go. The what if's are just like the science fiction movies about time travel. If we really could go back and change the past we would most likely screw up the now and the future! Those movies used to fascinate me when I was younger. The possibilities are endless! But just as in those movies (that I now find to just be frustrating for me) even if we could fix something.... something else would probably go wrong. You did what you felt was the right thing to do when you did it. And prior to that, you were just doing the best you could with what you had at the time.
And think about this too...even if you had "fixed yourself first" that doesnt mean the end result wouldnt have been exactly the same. HP has a plan for you as he does for us all. We just gotta do the best we can to figure out that plan. Then we just gotta do something! And when we do, run with it and not spend too much time looking back! We might trip over something in front of us if we spend too much time glancing over our shoulder.
I have been there too,with the 'what if's".I am soon to be separating from my AH of 36 years and one day I suddenly asked myself if I could have been different would the marriage not be ending?
The answer I found is,I could not have been any different.I did the best I could do with what I had.I tried alanon years ago.I think I just was not ready.Just because he got sober did not make me willing to work a program myself.It's easy to say now that IF I had stayed with the program and gotten healthier myself,MAYBE the marriage would have gotten better.The thing is,that was not me at the time.He's always telling me "I can't be something I'm not".Well,neither can I.
We all do the best we can with the knowledge and skills we have,and when we know better,we do better.When a marriage ends there is always some fault on either side.No one person can be responsible for the whole thing.I worked on this marriage BY MYSELF for the last 10 years,he did not even try.It takes 2.
You said it,you are happier,more peaceful,the kids are calmer.How could that be a bad thing?Give yourself credit for trying to make a better life for them.
(((((hugs))))) josey! I may be wrong josey, but I think you are having a little problem loving yourself. You have done such an awesome job, working things thru, taking your time to make decisions, taking care of yourself and your kids and yet you are doubting yourself. I think you need to pat yourself on the back. Wrap your two arms around yourself and squeeze – you deserve it! Do you have trouble where you need others to say what a great job you are doing? I have that problem sometimes and it may be something for you to consider. You can believe yourself that you truly have and are doing a great job for you and your kids. Just the way you have done it must have been good because look what you have now – some peace and stability. What you have now is working. What you have going today is working. Happy Mother’s Day to you – you wonderful mom, you wonderful person!
A previous sponsor (who must have gotten sick of my what iffing) told me that to be fair to myself, every time I what iffed, I was to also what if not. That made the problem shrink so much. I could spend years by the minute doing the what iffing thing and never got to a solution. Today I practice what he taught me. Pick my own consequence and then do the behaviors or actions necessary to get there. When I what if, one of the things I find myself doing is procrastinating and practicing fear and insecurity rather than faith and self confidence. I have to practice what he taught me because....if I don't I relapse and I don't like it or myself which puts me in a depression which I have learned defined as "Anger turned inward" true for me.
GAD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder is also part and parcel of withdrawal from addiction. When the chemical or in my case, the person is no longer a part of my life I am left with lots of dysfunctional mind, body, spirit and emotions whereas before I had soooooo much excitement and things to occupy my mind, body, spirit and emotions. GAD is a justification for a prescription also. You can get some legal highpowered chemicals if you suffer from GAD or you can attend lots of meetings, get a real Higher Power without the prescription or money expense, 12 simple steps, a bunch of easy to follow slogans, a sponsor who knows what they are doing and are willing to coach you over some bumps, fantastic groups of people with great group rules that are so supportive and can be found throughout the world, all the time in the world to get started, follow thru and keeping practicing, positions of service that use your talents and abilities to help the group and lots of newcomers to share what you have learned over your time in the program. Cost $0.00!! If you have a buck or two to throw into the basket when it is passed around go ahead and toss them. If you don't? no biggee, just keep on coming back. For me it's tons better and healthier than Zolof or Paxil or any other perscrip I have nodded my head to inspite of awareness. (Living the definition of insanity is not a healthy choice.)
Just a few thoughts and experiences. Try changing Generalized Anxiety Disorder for Good Orderly Direction and you get out of GAD and into GOD (as you particularly understand GOD).
You're fixing yourself now....and that's reality. (((((((((( H U G S ))))))))))
Remember, you are right where you're supposed to be, and you took the boys right where they are supposed to be too.
I truly believe HP would have thrown up all kinds of road blocks and would have stopped you every step of the way IF you hadn't done the best possible thing.
HP helped you do the right thing, for you, your boys and your A. You just watch and see how it unfolds :)
Ever forward, never back...
Love ya Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Josey... my sponsor continually reminds me of two things....
1. If "ifs and buts were candies and nuts, every day would be Christmas"
2. Focus more on the 'whats' and less on the 'whys'...
I read soooo much of me into your post. I am forever trying to figure out how the heck I got to where I got to, what I may or may not have done differently to perhaps have been able to change my path, etc., etc... My belief, is some 'gentle reflection' on these things is both healthy and necessary, but anything more than that is not doing US any good.
Instead, the healthy preference is to focus on the 'whats', and you have a TON of positives in your life, and in your recovery right now.... You are strong, wise, healthy, and knowledgeable, with a whole lot of hope, and gaining confidence in yourself every day. You are far less dependant, today, on anybody else (certainly anybody with addictions) for your daily happiness, which is awesome... I'm sure the list goes on and on, as your posts are full of insight and hope for both today and the future.
Oh, my sponsor has a third thing he reminds me of quite often, which I will close with here..... Kind of using it as a test for the above stuff, he makes me ask this question all the time...
"If you knew the answer you were seeking, would it REALLY change anything?"
Have a great day, and you are right where you are supposed to be in your recovery, and that is in a good place today...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It is my opinion that you did not take the easy road. Everything you said is true, the thing I have learned is that no matter what we do the A will drink or use not matter what is going on with us. We just get sucked so deep in the addiction that we can see or do nothing else.
Some times it is much easier to stay with the A than make a decision to be without them for our own sanity......You absolutely did what you needed to do for your kids, afterall we must put them above this mess of a life.
So happy you are much more relaxed, who knows what the future holds.
How can we fix ourselves when we are so busy trying to fix them....it took me awhile to learn this one......
It has been over 2 years for me and the what if's still come through. What if you are still in love with what could have or should have been? I can talk myself in or out of just about anything. I wanted a "family". Unfortunately I grew up in a dysfunctional one so guess who I picked to be daddy?
I have been divorced 3 times. The first one was the hardest and took the longest to recover from. It was about 3 years before I could start thinking and feeling things as they really were.
I for one think YOU are awsome! You did the right thing for yourself and your kids! How can you fix you when you are so wrapped up in the A's issues that yours get swept under the rug?
I think your doing Great!!Keep looking Forward & Keep Looking Up
Let your HP/God have those "what if" thoughts and use that wonderful energy on Today and the future. Makin' some together plans for You and your Children. Ohh... and for your new House!
My A told me tonite that he is absolutely not going to counseling or getting any help.
I am the problem, not him.
I have been in counseling for almost 18 years on and off with depression.
I am 3 antidepressents, but I am a happy person and my kids and their friends find humor and love from me.
I am happy almost 80% of the time, when my A is not around.
When he is around, I and my kids retreat to our rooms and come out rarely.
He has made the decision to seperate from us when he decided NOT to get help. Now I can leave without the guilt that I am making the wrong decision. I have tried crying, screaming,seminars,marriage retreats,church,counseling,pastorial visits,ignoring him, reading books, watching teaching tapes,listening to marriage tapes,waiting on him,trying to make his life easier ( maybe he would want to come home then instead of drinking)-------------nothing worked for very long. He gave up and so then did I.
It is just too exhausting trying to find ways to mend this relationship. I dont like myself when I am with him. Walking on eggs and watching me kids walk on eggs. How free we are when he is not here!
Keep looking Forward & Keep Looking Up
Let your HP/God have those "what if" thoughts and use that wonderful energy 
on Today and the future. Makin' some together plans for You and your Children. 
Ohh... and for your new House! 
HuG)) I'm so glad your Here!