Cannot Cope...I need to hear him, feel him, be close - Al-Anon Family Group

jennneeefffurrr · Senior Member

Cannot Cope...I need to hear him, feel him, be close

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

Jen - dettachment is not easy. Just hang in there and do what you have to do just like you did today, make a trip to the office to post. Call a friend from program/sponsor whatever support system you have. Your HP is with you, but works on his own time schedule, not yours.

Dettaching can be loving for all, it allows others to learn for themselves, to take better care of themselves. They might just see a cause and effect, they may learn how to learn how to ask for help for themselves if you stay out of it.

For you dettaching relieves of the strain of the impossible. You stop trying to change and control things you cannot. You begin to learn that the only person you have to impress is yourself, and the only opinion you care about is your own.

Dettaching does not mean the love has to stop.

Josey

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Jenee, it's okay to love an alcoholic , we all do or did at one time. But to love a person so much that we put our wants our lives on hold so that they can have or do what they want , to ignore my needs and wants and if he is happy I am happy ?? is really sad the min I make someone else responsible for my happiness I am in big trouble . I discovered here that it is really too much to ask of one person. Only I know what makes me happy.

And when I arrived here I ddn't know that either , I had lost myself in this marriage I had stopped doing what made me happy to keep him happy and hopefuly not have to drink, well turns out taht his unhappiness had nothing to do with me , he was alcoholic . end of story . Nothing I do makes him drink or stop. I am simply not that powerful.

I hope u find some meetings for yourself f2f you need support and people who have been where your at . You dont have to do this alone anymore . good luck

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Jennifer)))))) so glad your here! is a great step forward.

I find that saying the Serenity Prayer... few times at different times during the day. has helped me ...if I'm obsessing with constant thoughts of things that I can not control, I did not cause and can not cure. (The 3 Three Cs). I Stop and just say it to myself. slowly ..focusing on my breathing and exactly where I am at the moment. I am able., so I choose to STOP the negatives , the projecting ... by turning to the slogans. I'll go to a meeting, read some literature, call a friend. I do what is necessary to get my "Self" ( me ) back in the moment. back in the minute. takin' a bad thought break and then rethink it to be of better things to mind. as soon as I realize Im letting myself get down. I think of picturing nice things to help me redirect my train of thoughts (or) I just STOP and look out the window and see the birds and listen to them sing...drink a bit of juice and in that few minutes ... I *GIVE IT ALL AWAY . I let it Go... to my HP/ God .... I think to fill my head with some "nice." A nice walk, a good Book, a song. ... or if time I'll go work out... maybe just do some short meditation breathing. Just a little something ~ Good for ME. (thats me listenin' to meditation tapes...lol)

IT WORKS if you WORK IT so WORK IT Your WORTH IT!!

So Glad your HERE!! Keep Coming Back KEEP LOOKING uP!

((((((((BiGHUG))))))))))

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Jennifer))))),

I hear you. You and I are in a similar situation. I need to make that decision soon. I love my AH but this is about the disease of alcoholism. And for me and my AH it is about love addiction on my part and love avoidance on his part. We dance the dance. And it isn't just about love sometimes it is about childhood issues that weren't resolved.

Stay strong. One day at a time. We really need to focus on ourselves and our own growth and our own program. We need to let their HP's find them and help them. Even if you slip, keep trying.

In support,

Nancy

kent_s · Veteran Member

It is the hardest thing to stick with yourself when you are having such intense feelings. It is our addiction withdrawals.

It will help to remember that love and attachment are not exactly the same thing. Work on the attachment today and keep the love on the side for now. To the degree we can be with these intense feelings under any circumstances, then we can offer our love without conditions.

Let yourself have these intense feelings but think about how it feels in your body rather than the stories your memory is bringing up.

You sound like you are at the Maximum Compression stage. Instead of thinking you are in a pressure cooker, picture yourself having these feelings in a wide-open meadow, laying on your side in the grass on a warm sunny blue-sky day, with friends or family not too far away but comfortable letting you have your space. And all the time there that you need. Helps to give myself the idea of plenty of space to have the feelings, I used to feel like I was stuffed in a closet about to explode!

Sit quietly and comfortably and listen to your breath with your eyes on nothing in particular. Count the outbreaths up to 10 and start over, and if you lose count just label the distraction "thinking" and go back to counting the outbreaths. Where in your body do you have these intense emotions? Does it stay or move around your body? Sharp and clear pain or fuzzy spread out ache or both? It's your raw emotions getting your full attention, something we don't usually give to them.

Even 5 minutes of this will help me experience my feelings in a natural, wholesome way. This is how I "stick with myself" and let my strong feelings quiet down and cool off slowly and naturally. And the point is that they do quiet down and cool off if I just let them.

I believe the intense feelings may be the healing, and the acting out to try to get rid of the feelings is like taking off the bandage and picking off the scab. It hurts, but we should let it pass. Let your HP take on the story for you.

There is a lot of good advice on the other replies here. Know you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

Love -K

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Jen))))) I am so glad you are here. I know what you are going thru, for sure. Went thru it myself in Dec. and again in March. In March and April, he was gone 7 weeks. I slept in an old shirt of his out of the laundry just so I could smell him. I felt like half of me was gone. Intense, torturing pain.

I hope you come here often, and to the chatroom. And take this time to talk, learn, and read everything you can on alcoholism. "Getting Them Sober" helped me. There is also a Getting Them Sober website, with lots of reading there too. That helped me feel better, some, that I was learning everything I could during my alone time. It helped me to chat, before I was strong enough for a f2f meeting.

The people here loved me when I was alone, and could not love myself. This disease is so devastating. I think something that helped me too was the expression "what is good for you is good for the alcoholic/addict".

Detachment is good for both of you, and for your kids. It's hard at first, very hard to comprehend, but it gets a little easier with time. I still struggle with it at times, but practicing it whenever I can.

I will keep you in my prayers. Please keep coming back. You (and your children) are worth it.

Becky1

justme · Member

I have to admit, Jen that I dont know the closeness you had with your A as me and mine have never really been friends. Began with the drinking problem and disfunctional problems since day 1.

But I think that when you are without someone you shared so much with, you have had a part of you ripped off. And that is painful. We just have to remember that the healing takes time and to substitute other activities (as much as we really dont want to )in place of the ones we did routinely with our A.

Did you ever want to take a class? Travel somewhere? Have you lost touch with most of your friends?

Invite some friends over, or out to dinner, or lunch. I find other stuff to do in place of the ones I would like my A to share with me. And I have a life outside of him/

It helps. Be encouraged. Nothing lasts forever if we let the change come.

justme

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