The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning. Guess I woke in a bad spot today. My son is barking at everyone this morning with a vengeance and I just have no patience for it. Calling everyone a retard or telling them to shut up so he can lord over the living room and play video games, because God forbid he should get up off his lazy bum to do a darn thing. Sometimes I feel like he is just such a cancer in this family. Which of course is a less than loving and motherly thing to feel. So then of course I feel guilty for feeling this way.
I had the fleeting thought that maybe then I should just tell him, you want to just be a lump on the couch barking nasty things to people, fine, but don't ask me to give you a ride to work, don't ask me to do your laundry for you (we don't have a washer in the house right now, so we go to the laundromat and it's just plain easier to NOT take him) etc. But years of experience tell me that he'd be fine with that - he'd just say he can't go to work then. And of course it would be all my fault. He used to play that game with school, too.
I just wish he would turn 21 (2+ years to do..) and I could just make him leave. I can't believe how ugly my thoughts are toward him this morning - actually quite a bit lately. I just want him to go away. I almost wish sometimes that he'd go out drinking because at least he wouldn't be in the house here making everyone's lives miserable.
He goes to work in the morning and is home by noon. And then he eats, plays video/computer games and torments. Leaves his crap laying around, which of course I can't stand because I like to have a clean house. Won't lift a finger to do a single thing around the house - "I don't have to, I work!" he says. Well, what does he think I do all day Monday through Friday? "I don't have to, I pay rent" he says. Um...excuse me, but 25/week is not rent - it's a token responsibility. I pay the 750/mo it takes to live here. I pay the heat and the groceries and the phone and the cable (so he can have his beloved television).
Of course then I get more guilts, like, if only I had prepared him better for life, etc...
I don't know, I'm just in a bad spot today. So...turn it over, Karen. Can't change him, Karen. But I have to say I'm just getting kind of sick of looking at it every day.
I hate what our relationship has fallen to. Constant friction. It's hard not to say something when he's being nasty to his sisters, because there's the part of me that says well, I'm their mom too, so I have the responsibility to protect them.
For several years now this has been the pattern, and I've done everything I know how...we've done counseling, he went for a diagnostic stay in a home far from home for 3 months. I've gotten him every help a mom can do for their kid. So what am I doing wrong? When can I ever have peace in the house?
Of COURSE I have resentments there. BIG ones. And every time this crops up, it's the same old same old. And nothing changes if nothing changes. But what is it I need to change? I work a good program, so of course I start feeling like I'm failing with my program, as well, because I'm not happy about this.
I don't know...I guess I just needed to spout some of this today.
Hello, karen, This is a tough one. Do you remember the movie, "The Magic Garden?" There's a wonderful moment in that movie when the governess complains to the father about the children and how they are acting. She has been quite mean to them. The father says: "who's the adult?" That seems to be true for all of us in recovery in Alanon. We have to learn to be the adult. And that is not easy. It's the hardest work there is. So my heart goes out to you. I hope the day gets better, Karen. Blessings, kjbem
I can definitely identify with this issue. I struggle with the A with feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him and over doing for him and then resenting his self absorption. I also struggle tremendously with deep deep resentment about what it costs to live how much I pay towards the expenses and what I have to do (work at jobs I do not like) to pay for things.
I have had to look at deeply how my own codependence really hurts me. I have had to look at my own expectations. I recently had a birthday where I kept my expectations really hugely low. I had a better time because of it. I have huge fantasies about being rescued about being loved about being cared for and I project them out. I now have had to retrieve them and keep on owning them. I also have huge fantasies about being known by my family of origin that I have also had to re-own and know.
Your son may never get what effort it takes to live. Right now he is totally absorbed in himself. In time maybe decades he may get what effort it took for you to get what you have and keep it together. I struggle a lot with what to ask the A to do and how to ask. I have had to work really hard on cooperation with him and making requests without letting tremendous resentment get in the way.
Working on and letting go of my resentments has been very very difficult. I come across pocket s in my life from years ago where I still have resentments and I have to wade in and look at them and work them through.
I am sure your resentments go beyond your son and towards many many people who do not suppport you and love you and care for you. Where is his father for example?
I think that this is very very hard work to do to keep looking and being willing to let go of resentments and also to examine the fantasies that go with the resentment. Fantasies are and can be destructive and they also can be healing. Resentments are the same a double edged sword, an indicator that boundaries are being broken but also a toxic source that can totally swallow one up.
Kiss the vidoe games goodby along with the television set and the telephone. Keep a private cell for yourself. No laundry...no food...no rides...no nothing. For the life of me I cannot imagine a son of mine behaving like that. His behind would be on the curb. Twenty one or not. Here in the good ole USA it's eighteen. There nothing tough about this at all...No respect, kindness, and decency = no home. Good luck, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
