The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my father is dying. he and i had a crazy day yesterday. he tried to leave his house in his underware. he has been just wanting so badly to just die and it isn't happening in our time frame. i think he thought if he left the house we could go somewhere and then he'd be safe and could die. it was truly awful. we wound up at his business and he asked me to call the ambulance and he wanted to goto the hospital. he has been very paranoid and thinking that the friend taking care of him and his sister are either trying to keep him alive with the meds or kill him.i understand that this behavior is all pretty common. we have hospice comming in and his wish has always been to die at home. he is so close. i told him last week that he could let go anytime he wanted to. but his body, ravaged with cancer, just isn't quitting. his heart is strong.everything else is shutting down. it is the most awful thing i've ever witnessed. so i am here with him at his house (hospital wouldn't admit him) and i just sit and pray. i was praying for this to end, for god to take him. but then i realized that it is god's time not ours. so now i'm back to "your will, not mine". he is like a child. and full of love. and not scared of dying just sick of the pain and the confusion. his friend has been here full time and thank god he has. what an incredible man he is. then out of the blue my ah called yesterday- hadn't heard from him in a week. he asks how i'm doing and i say awful. my father is dying and things have gotten crazy. i ask how he is and he says" well, not good but better than you. my father isn't dying" just kind of mean. but i can't even try to figure out where he is comming from with the attitude. just one more reason that i've let go and am going for the divorce. love has nothing to do with it now. just simple respect for me as a human being on this planet. but he doesn't know how to do that.i guess i'm learning that life is precious and should be lived by me not thru him. these are some hard learned lessons. and i feel sad and i think that maybe i shouldn't. but ya know what? anyone in this situation would be sad. anyone would be angry and i am worth having those emotions. they are mine and it is where i am. i can't be anywhere other than where i am. and i honestly wouldn't want to be. please send some prayers. thanks
My dear, you have all the prayers I can send your way. You are on an emotional roller coaster, not only are you having the pain of watching you father waste away right in front of your very eyes..........you are still dealing with the pain of the ah......honey, let go and just let God......If you want to be sad and angry just go right ahead and let your feelings fall where they may.
How can the ah have any respect for you when he can't even respect himself. This is our l ife, it is precous. things will come the way God has ment for them to be......
I'm sorry for all you are going thru. I am mourning the end of my marriage and that alone has been very difficult. I can't imagine your pain. But you must give yourself the freedom to feel your feelings. Please get some grief counseling when this is over. I work in an Assisted Living center and see death and it's impact on the family. Hospice is wonderful and they are there to help you too. Ask the Hospice people if they can give him something for his anxiety. He shouldn't have to be having that problem and once he calms down maybe he can let go. It is all so hard!
Please know you are in our prayers. Be strong and take all the hugs you can get!
Gee, I didn't even touch on the A in your life. Maybe because he just isn't important right now. Focus on your Dad right now, celebrate Fathers Day early going over some old photos.
keep coming here to share your sadness. we understand. allow yourself to feel the feelings cause that will help you deal with them and then heal through them.
keep coming,
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I am just so sorry for your suffering and grieving. You absolutely do have the right to feel sad, be grieving or any other emotions you are feeling. I'm so happy your are being true to yourself. Please know that I am praying for you and your dear father. HP will love you through this and give you the peace you so richly deserve.
