The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I have helped my son financially on more time. Only this time, I told him that, that night was an eye opener for me. I told him he needs to learn to be self-supportive and not lean on me for financial support. I told him this is the last time I help him financially. He said he does not know how let himself gamble and drink the other night. I told him that his horrible childhood did not give him straight thinking. I told him that he cannot just wish for straight thinking; he has to work for it. There is an awesome self-help books store near by. He bought the subject back up again yesterday. I have purchased off the Internet and shipped to him a copy of the “The Games People Play”. If he reads it will be small step in learning to get thinking/help outside his own mind. He has written a post dated check for the money I loaned him this time. I have done this once before and the check was good then. I suspect it will be good now. It is not that I have been enabling him to do drugs like alcohol and pot as he has not been doing them much at all if any, except for the other night with alcohol. I have been enabling him in not leading a more efficient lifestyle.
I much thank all of you for your welcome backs and support.
Richard, in my experience I know it was hard not to hand my A a twenty. But I stopped doing that a loooooong time ago when I realized, thru alanon, it was enabling.
It was very hard to face, "anything" I did for him was helping the disease, period. I used to feel bad becuz he had a horrendous childhood, he had a brain tumor removed, he lost his license.
But I know "for sure" the only way an A can possibly get well is, to leave them alone. Let them stew in their own juice. Allow them the integrity to go down alone.
Allow them to get so sick, so poor, so down, so homeless, driveless, foodless, shoeless, loveless, healthless, that they will have the "power" to say, "Oh my God I cannot live like this anymore!" And hopefully the A then will admit they need help and get to the real help of AA.
A's I have known do not drink a little bit. If they are drinking they are in trouble, period.
I do not give my A anything. In fact I am hesitating going to visit my A in jail today. But I am doing it for me and his mom.
I am not leaving him money either. I don't have any anyway.
After I gave and gave and he did not pay back took more and more, and did not give back and actually destroyed things in my home, and actually hurt me, that was that.
How many times did I "help" him that he might of gotten so sick and gone to AA did I take the chance away from him.
The disease is cunning. It makes us think, "Oh it is ok." NO it is NOT. This is MY experience. I would rather give him the chance to get sick and hopefully get well. Than to keep the disease maintananced, Keep him right above going done and be dead, becuz I was enabling the disease.
This is MY view. Love is NOT helping a disease to kill our loved ones. Love,debilyn
I do remember you Debilyn. I do not forget great people very often . I does seem people either do two things mostly-- regress or grow, hardly ever just stagnate... so I think. It seems to me you have grown much to the benefit of you... so good for you. I have grown too. In my older age now, I have come to appreciate living in the 'grey' area of life. It just might be that my son is not chemically addicted; that he can do 'one' or a bit of a drug, alcohol or pot and not fall into the "one is too many and a thousand is not enough' syndrome. What he most certainly does have is the dysfunctional thinking that gets passed down through the dysfunctional and addicted family. It is that thinking that allowed him blow it the other night. If he leaarns from that mistake then it will not be a mistake, just a teacher. My son never had a parent in his life... only super screwed up ill infantile adults and peers. It seems I have been the first parent for him, what he needed for a bit, now it is time to cut the apron strings as I have slowly been doing, but as you indicated I need to let him flounder a bit now, till he finds his confidence that he can swim on his own. I know all I can do is watch and when the student is ready and comes asking only then can I offer suggestions or tell my story and this has happened. The more I let him be... and the opportunity does pesent itself... he really listens and changes. He has grown a lot since he came to me a few yeas ago. If I were not witnessing the growth... I would not have been so supportive. There is grey area of help and enabling... I do my best... so I guess what I need from others as with you, is to be reminded of my place in all this and that is what you have done (and others will)... much thanks.
Boundaries and "Detaching with Love" Hmmmmmm.... found them to not be so easy at first. but as I follow (each day) the Alanon programs steps, attend my meetings along with a lot of reading...(lol) here on the boards and my books. as I share.... as I listen and as i witness growth of others through the program ... i find that they've really been thru such similiar situations as my own. AND as i do this i see that they have found this type of action is the best for everyone involved. be it family, relative, friend. it IS very healthy and IS very positive lifestyle change.
i love my A. but I hate this terrible disease. i have learned and am still learning I can live with my "A" but I do nothave to accept unacceptable behaviour. I can still be loving and caring. i have to take and am going to take care of myself first. My serenity. My peace of mind with me and my HP. I deserve this much. I'm gonna WORK IT!! This is a support system in its own way. My support system. THE SET (Boundaries) THE (Detaching with Love.) I do this because I love my "A." because I know my "A" loves me wether sober or drunk. it did take some time. but it gets better (more acceptable to me) as time passes. the boundaries are the same. they are not changed. they are are no exceptions to them. i stand my ground. i can do that. for me. i deserve this. i know I am a loving and caring person. i will not be taken advantage of because of it. and especially not because of the effects of a drug/alcohol. There is a different kind of respect now. more adult and more reasonable for the both of us. more right. 2 birds lol.
Keep Coming Back Work It because Your Worth It!! Keep Sharing and learning from others (es&h) experience strength and hope. I have! I do! Iam so grateful.
(((BIGHUG))) So Glad your Here!!! (((RICHARD)))<<<Hugs!
. I does seem people either do two things mostly-- regress or grow, hardly ever just stagnate... so I think. It seems to me you have grown much to the benefit of you... so good for you. I have grown too. In my older age now, I have come to appreciate living in the 'grey' area of life. It just might be that my son is not chemically addicted; that he can do 'one' or a bit of a drug, alcohol or pot and not fall into the "one is too many and a thousand is not enough' syndrome. What he most certainly does have is the dysfunctional thinking that gets passed down through the dysfunctional and addicted family. It is that thinking that allowed him blow it the other night. If he leaarns from that mistake then it will not be a mistake, just a teacher. My son never had a parent in his life... only super screwed up ill infantile adults and peers. It seems I have been the first parent for him, what he needed for a bit, now it is time to cut the apron strings as I have slowly been doing, but as you indicated I need to let him flounder a bit now, till he finds his confidence that he can swim on his own. I know all I can do is watch and when the student is ready and comes asking only then can I offer suggestions or tell my story and this has happened. The more I let him be... and the opportunity does pesent itself... he really listens and changes. He has grown a lot since he came to me a few yeas ago. If I were not witnessing the growth... I would not have been so supportive. There is grey area of help and enabling... I do my best... so I guess what I need from others as with you, is to be reminded of my place in all this and that is what you have done (and others will)... much thanks.
at first. but as I follow (each day) 
the Alanon programs steps, attend my meetings along with a lot of reading...(lol) here on the boards 
and my books. as I share.... as I listen and as i witness growth of others through the program ... i find that they've really been thru such similiar situations as my own. AND as i do this i see that they have found this type of action is the best for everyone involved. be it family, relative, friend. it IS very healthy and IS very
positive lifestyle change. 
My peace of mind with me and my HP. I deserve this much. I'm gonna WORK IT!! 
This is a support system in its own way. My support system. THE SET (Boundaries) THE (Detaching with Love.) I do this because I love my "A." because I know my "A" loves me wether sober or drunk. it did take some time. but it gets better (more acceptable to me) as time passes. the boundaries are the same. they are not changed. they are are no exceptions to them. i stand my ground. i can do that. for me. 
i deserve this. i know I am a loving and caring person. i will not be taken advantage of because of it. and especially not because of the effects of a drug/alcohol. There is a different kind of respect now. more adult and more reasonable for the both of us. more right. 2 birds lol. 
Keep Sharing and learning from others (es&h) experience strength and hope. I have! I do! 
Iam so grateful. 
HUG))) So Glad your Here!!! 
(((RICHARD)))<<<Hugs!