The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to his house yesterday at noon to get my things, before I left he followed me out to my car and kissed me, told me he does love me and told me to please come back at 2:30 when he was sure the electrician and cable guy would be gone.
I went back. His first words, "Jennifer, I just think we need to take a break from each other." So I told him I loved him, one of these days something is going to bring him to the end of himself and he is going to wonder "where is Jennifer?" and by then he may have just really lost me forever, then he said well, I just need a few days or a few weeks (he is banking on me putting my life on hold until he decides he wants to allow me in his life again) we will see each other again soon...I said well, maybe, and kissed him and said goodbye.
At 7:30 he was calling me. "Jennifer, I am so sorry. I dont want to break up, I really do love you girl, I am so stressed right now and I dont know I guess I just needed a few days with my friends. Can we please go to the Euchre tournament together tomorrow?" I was elated, I want to believe everything is going to work out, so of course I happily agreed.
Today, he calls me, "Jennifer, I dont think I am going to make it to Euchre tonight. I guess I am just not in the mood." when I asked what we are going to do instead, he replied he is not sure what HE is going to do, but he is not in the mood to see me.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I tried not to lose it, but I did.
I asked him what is in his life that is so great that he can discard me? what is wrong with him? is he nuts? how can he stand to do this to me?
He said he wont call me again, got angry, and said he is done playing games with my head.
I think he has more issues than alcohol.
I have erased all his voice mails, all his text messages and his number from my phone.
Al-anon is about ourselves, not the alcoholic. Recovery and healing begins whenever you are ready to start. God loves you and the fellowship of al-anon as a whole loves you.
"Let go and let God"
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Please realize that this has absoultely nothing to do with you, he is not discarding you as he is discarding his entire life for his addiction.
This is not personal, although it took me forever to figure that one out. It is just a plain and simple fact about addiction. The world of addiction sucks us right in the web of destruction.
I have no doubt that he loves you, as I have no doubt my hub loves me. Addiction has nothing to do with love. I always use to ask what is so great about the thrill of being hi. Never did get an answer for that one.
The reality of the situation is, it may always be this way. His addiction may always come before you. Or one day he may get clean and sober.
The decision whether to stay or not is all yours. Only you can decide what your future will be, because you have the power to live your very own life, your way.
Stay strog, one minute at a time.........You have the power to create a wonderful life...Life should be lived each day to the fullest.
Oh Jen, the disease is talking not the man. This is very typical A behavior. He is so afraid of losing you, yet the disease wants you to stay away so he can drink.
I know it is confusing. It gets even worse if you cont. to see them.
Jennifer, My A will be abusive, say awful things, stay away for months then ask me, "do I still have a chance with you?" He is my husband. sigh. I always say,not today.
I feel for you so much. I would invite you to remember how this relief feels. Is it better than being tossed around like a yo yo?
I know my A loves me. I know he needs me. I have NO doubt. But it is not in a way I want to live with. Not being on his program, he is selfish, I am always an afterthought.
I hope you can take care of you. Have fun with others. Build you back up. Do what you like, be creative, do you work?
His behavior reminds me so much of my husband years ago when he wanted to drink. He would push me away like crazy. We were married!!!! But he would come home and tell me he hated me and that I disgusted him and was going out with some other girl and wanted a divorce. Then he would go get drunk and eventually end up at a motel drinking for days...I would be devestated until I eventually learned to mostly detach and tell him I loved him and he was welcome to come home when he was sober. He always did. My sponsor told me that its really hard to get rid of an alcoholic and in "Getting them Sober" it talks about that too. In AA they have a saying: "an alcoholic will fall in love with a parking meterif its nice to him/her" Its kind of true honestly, about the active alcoholics.
Now he is more in a stage where he actually wants to quit drinking, but only after he moved out and I left him Completely Alone for about 6 months and he drank All he Wanted!!! unfortunately for our marriage relapse is sometimes part of recovery but thats a different story.
Just wanted to relay my experience in the same situation. He just wants to drink, or start a fight so he can drink. My sponsor always said "Keep it light and polite" and "picture a bottle of Vodka talking to you whenever he opens his mouth." Hope thats helpful a little bit.
