The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why is it that flaws stand out so profoundly? I am talking about my own--I see others too, but mine hurt so much. I really asm having a good week, except I keep seeing all these things in me that I don't like. Which I know in and of itself isn't a bad thing--it's just that they seem to be standing out so much I don't see positives. And I want to work on my flaws, but when it gets to be that that's all I see, then it gets overwhelming and I just have no idea where to begin to work on me. I have been looking back at the past year (since school is coming to and end) and just thinking how I want to do things next year. Well I feel like this year has been a mess at school, home, everywhere. I see failures as far as being a teacher, mentor, friend, mom, and wife. I feel like I have lost me this year! (Maybe it didn't happen this year, maybe I have been lost and just realized it.) It's just that today sitting in a workshop talking about how things need to improve and what makes a good teacher--all I could think was, well I need to work on that and that and that, since I taught my own son this year then thoughts transferred to home I thought well I didn't do good this year there either. And I just wanted to cry!! I know there is nothing I can do about it now except. Pick myself up, dust myself off and start to work on what needs to be improved, but when I look at it all it is soooooooo overwhleming.
I just keep trying to tell myself, one step at a time. Acknowledge it, but don't let the thoughts beat you. I am o.k., I will be better and come up with a definite plan. Right now I just feel like shutting the door and curling up. I don't want to feel this way!!!!
I posted yesterday I think about telling my husbands (past and present) how I felt. One of the responses really hit me. I think it was Jerry said "Wow, I saw no fear here". I realized that most of my decisions as an adult (18-and up) have been made from fear. Actually even younger than that! Fear of rejection and the unknown mostly! Why?? I had a great supportive family and still fear ruled most of my life even does today. I don't want to live like that anymore!!! That is the biggest flaw I want to change!!!!!!
I understand your feelings. I spent the last year in a fog, not doing my best at any one place in my life. I eventually realised I did the best I could with what I had. And made the decision to do as best I can in the future with the tools and experience I recieve along the way. Don't get too down on yourself. It's about practice not perfection.
