The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking about something my mother said to me.She said that she loved my dad ( an A),but it was the man he used to be.Before the alcohol.Years later after the alcohol had taken over and much verbal and physical abuse,she said,when my dad walked in it was not the man she loved at all.She still felt that man was 'out there somewhere' and she loved and missed him.But my dad was not him.
This is exactly how I feel about my husband.I still love the man I used to know.But the man who stands before me now is not him.This man is mean,he hurts me, he does not love me at all.I KNOW the other one loved me. I have been married to this 'body' for 36 years.The other man would never have hurt me intentionally.( I'm not talking about physically,it's emotionally and verbally now) He loved me very much. I am as sure of that as I can be.I miss him.He was honest,dependable,and kind.I am convinced that he is gone forever.I keep looking for him,sometimes I forget he's gone until this one opens his mouth and I don't recognize him.But he has not shown up for years.I thought sobriety would bring him back.It didn't.He's been sober 16 years.He didn't come back.
This is what the disease does,my friends.It changes them.I am afraid the change may be permanent.Maybe not in all of them.But it happened to my dad and now to my husband.
I realize now this is why I have cried and grieved over the end of the marriage.I am grieving the death of my husband.This is why everyone who knows us is shocked at his behavior lately.It is just so not him.Something snapped and my husband died leaving this other person.
Awareness....acceptance.....action. I'm moving on.
I relate dru. My life is your life's reflection. I know exactly what you mean.
My A is in jail, not something the man I married or fell in love with when we were teens would have happen to him.
I was thinking the same thing you said. He will probably get out, after six months of sobriety, and maybe even on a program, but still not be him.
The difference in you and me is I cannot find that love feeling anymore. I cannot remember how he felt anymore or what made him so nice.
I don't remember why I married him.
Feeling so sorry for what you both have been thru. And what you are going thru. glad you found alanon though.
I know what you mean watching them die. My A appreciates nothing. Does not see the sunset, does not care about good food. Can never find anything to be happy about.
My A is dying from cirrhosis. Not eminent but he has it and without sobriety he will eventually succumb. Weird thing is he is still the sweetest man I have ever known and to this day appreciates life and its beauties. He keeps trying for sobriety but always relapses in short order. Maybe the fact that there is still a light in his life there is still hope for him I don't know. It really is an awful disease. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Your post scared me. It makes me wonder if I will go through the same thing. It sounds very painful and I don't want that for myself or my daughter. I struggle all the time with being able to care for others while still caring for myself.
How strange it is that you posted this Drucilla b/c I was just thinking the same thing this morning. My AH has been "missing since last Wed (1 week and a day). No communication w/me at all. He did text his mom Mon & Tues though. Tues' text said that he was too ashamed and embarrassed by his behavior to call or come home. We are all worried to death about him. I am worried believe it or not....but scared of him coming home. He is using crack and I have no clue what temperment he will be in when I next see him.
I am planning on talking to a lawyer tomorrow to get the steps to separation & divorce & finding out what I can do for my situation. But b/c my world seems to be crumbling so quickly now I found myself wondering what I saw in my husband that made me fall so deeply in love.
His smile. Wow what a wonderful, melt you on the spot smile.
His laugh - totally contagious and absolutely adorable.
The way he used to turn his baseball cap backwards when he was playing (riding atv's etc).
His charming personality - literally charmed the pants off of me when I we were teenagers.
The way he worked so hard at everything he did - nothing less than 110%.
The way he used to hold me & make me feel safe & protected & loved.
All of these and plenty other things were what made me look past the drinking, the cheating, the lies. I focus on the wonderfully amazing qualities. But over the years as the drinking progressed, all of that started to fade away. Now that he is using crack, I cannot find any of those qualities in him any more. I miss the man I used to know. And I know I will never get him back. Even if he manages to get clean, I will always see that dark side that has taken over. I am no longer in love with my AH. I love him but I am not "In Love" w/him. I have forgiven so much in the past but never forgotten. Now I find there isn't any forgiveness left in me. Love moved out & fear moved in. Isn't that the saddest thing? How can a person allow a chemical (alcohol or drugs) take over and completely ruin everything they ever worked hard for and drown out all of the dreams for themselves and their families. The life I had planned for us is gone, completely out of reach now. I can never get that back.
Sorry - got a bit carried away in thought. Thanks for listening.
I left my A 2 or 3 months ago (depending how you count)--I know it's for good--and am grieving the loss. I miss her every day. Your posts reminded me 1) that it's natural and OK to feel this way, and 2) that there's no contradiction--one can still love someone and have to get himself and his children away from that person. And 3)--the painful, painful way in which alcoholism and other illness "twists" a person, almost unrecognizably.
I can relate as well drucilla. I have been married for almost 5 years and I have been with my husband for 10. I grew up in an A home with my father being the active A. My parents divorced for the same reasons your mom said to you. And, after reading your post, I can feel your pain of a love lost because I have been there too. My husband who is still active says that he does not have a problem with his drinking because he likes to drink. It wasnt until I was able to work the 12 steps and separate the man from the disease that I was able to see him in another light. I have come to realize that in his sharp criticism, mood swing, etc., deep down inside I can still see that there is a good man before me that makes really poor decisions. Prior to working the steps, I felt betrayal for the love and romance lost. I was angry all the time particularly when he walked in the door I felt like I was ready for a fight. Now, somehow with the help of my HP, he can walk through the front door and I can give him a hug and a kiss hello, tell him I love him, and mean it. To me, that is a miracle because of the intense hatred, anger, and fear I had for him in my fourth step. In August my husband almost died as a result of being assulted while drinking. He was in ICU for 9 days with a brain injury. Perhaps without that wake up call, I may not have realized how precious life really is. It was God's gift to me to put me in so much pain to send me a free ticket to Al-anon to realize how sick I truly was. As we all know, our best thinking got us here.
I guess even though there have been countless ups and downs in the marriage and with his active drinking, someone said something in my home group that really struck a chord with me. It was, "It is not about wanting what you don't have, it's about wanting what you've got." It took me a long time to get that message. But I have no doubt that given the near death of my spouse, there was no other way for God to get my attention and show me how precious we all are. I am so grateful to Al-Anon.
