The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in a while, thank those of you who were asking about me. As some of you know, I've made an attempt to work things out with my ex. The house was sold after the divorce, but the buyers backed out and we decided to try to stay and see if we could make thing work. I was waiting for her to get a new councilor for us to see. (The last 2 I picked she didn't like because they were both in recovery and didn't agree with them.) Anyway she told me that she broke it off with the other guy, and I really wanted to believe her. In the meantime, even though she was coming home at night, she's still staying out til 2 or 4 in the morning on weekends and several nights during the week. Not exactly a great roll model for 2 teenage kids. Several weeks ago, she didn't come home at all and I drove past 'his' place at 6:30 and her car was there. I called her cell and she lied, saying that she fell asleep on a girlfriends couch. In the meantime, I saw her cell phone call log... she had been in almost daily contact with this guy for the past 6 months. She got very upset when I told her "the house needs to be sold - I'm done." In her words I "dropped a bombshell" on her. What did she expect? I told her that I had made it clear that I would not do this if he was in the picture at all. Am I being unreasonable here? She told me that they are just friends now and she was over there that morning because he called her sick and may have needed to go to the hospital for his appendix. Like she's the only one he can call. Anyway our house is on the market again. This past weekend she told me she had a talk with one of her new girlfriends who said "I think he's really been trying and you haven't given him a chance. You really haven't been trying hard enough. You built wall around you and won't let him in, yada yada yada" Same stuff I've been trying to tell her for the past 2 years. After this talk, she tells me she want to try. So she's upset that I'm 'giving up just when she's ready to try.' Go figure. She said she would break off all contact with him and go back to Alanon if I would do the things she wants. Sound familiar? But I think it's usually the A not ready to recover who tries to bargain like this. This is not a healthy person I've been trying to deal with and I refuse to be jerked around and mistreated any longer. I really wanted to see if we could work things out for the sake of our kids, and to be honest, because of the guilt I feel about what I put her through all those years of drinking. But if her heart is not in it, and she can't grasp the concept of calling it off COMPLETELY with the other guy, there's nothing on earth I could do that would be good enough for her. So I actually feel emotionally healthy enough now to start dating, something I've been avoiding during this whole mess. At least my side of the street is clean; my heart has been in the right place and I have been honorable and honest throughout it all. Thank you God for giving me the gift of sobriety through AA.
((((((((((((unclelou)))))))))) sorry you are going through this but wow what a way to work your program set your boundries and CONGRATS on your soberity!!! Hang in there and keep posting!!!
(((UncleLou)))) so glad you've posted again. You've been on my mind :) Nice to feel the freedom of knowing you're side of the street needs no sweeper huh? Hope your serenity stays in tack. Keep working it and keep coming back. Your perspective is invaluable to all of us.
Welcome back, we've missed you. You sound strong and great. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. But you absolutely deserve to happy. You've worked hard for your sobriety and make amends to your family. Whatever decision you make we're behind you 150%. Somewhere out there is a loving, kind, caring woman who will be lucky to have you in her life. Keep us posted. Don't be a stranger. I miss your insights, and wisdom.
Love and blessings to you my friend.
Live strong, Karilynn
P.S. Hugs to the kids too!
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Glad you brought us up to date on what's happening with you. I too have recently been in this same situation and I do not think you are being unreasonable by requesting the other guy be completely out of the picture. I confronted the other woman and my A and said the same thing. If reconciliation is to happen, you can't have contact with this person for any reason. I asked him to make the decision and I too have been checking the phone records and unfamiliar numbers to feel secure for myself. So far (knock on wood) he has remained true to his word. It has been a struggle ironing out our differences and healing from the past wounds. This program and AA has helped me to keep my side of the street clean as well. I am honest with him and try not to hide my actions or feelings. If he is not able to receive them at that time, I let it go and revisit the subject again later. Your wife must make the decision, and I hope she will choose the right one for her and you will choose the right decision for you. Take care and stay strong.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hi Uncle Lou. Good to "see" you again. As Jeannie says, keep your side of the street clean, and keep on going just as you have been. I believe you are on the right path.
Good luck and best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I don't think there is actually anyone who is harder to have a boundary with than an A. Maybe a narcissist. A lot of A's definitely have those narcissitic traits. I have recently had to look at a friend who is a recovery A lies a lot. I really invested a lot in that friendship. At some point she did a lot of betrayal to me and did the normal AA amends of saying the right things but really not sticking around to hear how hurt I was. She ducked and ran. Maybe for some A's their understanding of betrayal comes late after a considerable amount of work and their understanding of truth may never come.
My younger sister is an A and I often feel that talking to her is like going through a voice distorter. I feel for you but I think you are doing a real admirable effort with boundaries. I try to eat, sleep and think boundary all through the day. That is a far cry for me from being boundary less or walled off in rage and resentment.
