The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading, the author reflects on their past efforts to change people to suit their own desires and needs. The author often thought of the problem as being with the other person if the author's needs weren't met. They wanted someone to be present, but not overly imposing. Upon further reflection, the author realized that they almost wanted a pet, not a relationship with a person.
Thanks to Alanon, the author learned the difference between what they expected and that they needed. No one person can meet all of another person's needs. They also reflected on their expectations and whether those expectations were realistic, whether they respected the other person's individuality, and whether the author was able to appreciate what they did receive.
Today's Reminder: Trying to change other people is futile, foolish, and certainly not loving. Today, instead of assuming that they are the problem, I can look at myself to see what needs changing within.
Today's Quote: "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image." Thomas Merton
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Today's reading is a great reflection for me. My AW has often talked about how I expect her to change, and how I do not accept her for who she is. I the past, I can say that this was certainly true, I expected her to want to spend more time at home, to stay away from alcohol, and stay away from the bars. To my mind, I didn't want to change who she was, I didn't want the disease of alcoholism in the driver's seat. Lately, I've come to reflect on that a bit more, as it is still a topic of conversation. I think I'm setting my boundaries and vocalizing what I will and will not tolerate, but I don't think I have an expectation for her to change. It's my intent to share what I cannot accept or tolerate, and let her make the decision of what to do with that information. I've been trying to be more thoughtful about how I express those boundaries so that they can be heard as boundaries, and not demands for change. It's a journey of growth for me, for sure.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you for this. When I read the post yesterday, suddenly I realized that for the last couple of months, I had been feeling APATHY. It was easy work to not try to change others because frankly, I didn't give a damn. Thankfully I still cared enough to check this board and each day I got a helpful message.
I hope everyone experiences a miracle on this 1st day of September.
Thanks Skorpi and everyone else for your shares.. I particularly like the quote at the end of this reading because it reminds me that I can still love people who aren't a part of my life anymore precisely because allowing others to be who they are means accepting that that might mean we don't have a role in each other's lives. I find that comforting when stuck in the "if only I had" kinds of thoughts regarding past relationships/ friendships and especially in coming to terms with regrets over a dear friend I lost last year to depression. This quote reminds me that my thoughts of "If only I had said the right thing", "If only I had made her feel heard/ appreciated/important" aren't respectful to her because it isn't my place to make someone feel anything at all really. Or that's my takeaway from this reading anyway.
