The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's contributor shares the lessons learned in Alanon about boundaries: their flexibility allows customized settings of accepted behavior from ourselves and others, based upon situation and desired exposure level. This encourages a preset perspective that allows us to say 'no' with love rather than panic and hostility.
Lessons learned came from observing the guidance in Alanon's 12 Traditions and applying in personal relationships. Using boundaries allows for setting healthy limits without surrounding self with walls that will block out the good along with the undesirable.
Reminder - Are my defenses keeping me safe or isolated? Today I can consider healthier ways to protect myself.
"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges". - Joseph F Newton ---------------------------- I owe so much to Alanon for what I've learned about my relationships with others, including how to address (more importantly, often not addressing) others when I disagree with what they say or do. I learned this from attending meetings and study of Alanon.
Before Alanon I set boundaries by determining what I would not accept from others, then demanding they change their behavior to observe the boundaries I had set.
Alanon helped me see that healthy boundaries are set by determining what steps I will take to maintain the environment I have chosen. I can express my preference, if it is not recognized I can take the steps necessary to bring me to my desired state, circumstance, or environment. My options are endless, even if my circumstances are not.
I continue to work on Live and Let Live, allowing others to express different views without feeling I have to address, attack, and change them. At times it is necessary for me to physically leave the situation to avoid breaching that concept, and that's much better than the alternative.
Grateful for the continued progress and reminders of the program
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul for your service and for all above ESH. Of course early in program, the boundaries I set were how my A would get help. LOL no way that worked, and it just left me depressed and frustrated. Learning to set the boundaries for myself, that bring me peace of mind and contentment, has been a whole lot of work. But it is all worth it. Spending my time trying to get others to change is a big waste of time. Looking to see what I need to change--now that's progress!
Thanks Paul.
Disengaging has been the one new al-anon skill I feel I have become an expert at, haha. As you say, where I used to try to demand change from others, now, if I don't like it, I walk away. Often a little too soon, leaving people asking me- wth, why didn't you talk to me about this if you were unhappy? lol. I might have learned it a little too well and need to dial it down. I may tend to skip the "express my preference" part and just leg it when I feel threatened. That doesn't allow others a chance to share their views.
Work in progress!
